Women that raise insecurely attached people are possibly raising the future criminals that will victimize responsible women’s children. Those children not lead astray are none the less set upon life as a very lonely and painful experience. They are behind in school, personal relationships, and the joy they should be experiences out of everyday life. The research into Adverse Childhood Experiences support this.

The first 20,000 strange situation procedures: A meta-analytic review. (apa.org)

How Many Children Are Securely Attached to Their Parents? | Psychology Today United Kingdom

• Children “attach” to their parents in one of four styles: secure, avoidant, resistant, or disorganized.
• A new meta-analysis investigated how common these attachment styles were across the globe.
• More than half of children (51.6%) showed secure attachment.
• Yet insecure attachment was common; 23.5% were disorganized, 14.7% avoidant, and 10.2% resistant.

As we can see from the chart below in about 50 years secure attachment has dropped from 66% to 50%. Any decline at all is a travesty. Any honest improvement in secure attachment is grounds for rejoicing.

Secure Attachment and a Trauma Informed Society

A primary motivation of this blog is to influence society to become more trauma informed. The biggest problem we turn a blind eye to is maternal neglect and abuse. To address this trauma, I turn to trauma the United States Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration. SAMSHA developed the Informed Care Trauma Informed Care framework. This framework has four “R”s that they believe a trauma informed organization tries to implement.  I have adjusted it slightly to address maternal abuse and neglect.

• Realize the widespread impact of maternal Abuse and neglect and understand potential paths for recovery;
• Recognizes the signs and symptoms of maternal abuse and neglect in clients, families, staf and others involved with the system;
• Responds by fully integrating knowledge about maternal abuse and neglect into policies, procedures and practices and seeks to actively
• Resist traumatization.

It should go without saying that an attachment disorder counts as an outcome of maternal abuse and neglect.  We cannot be an emotionally intelligent and trauma informed society if we don’t take a mature approach to addressing concerns with attachment disorder.

Secure attachment and the Adverse Childhood Experiences Survey

Foundational to both this blog and SAMSHA’s approach is to have people become more trauma informed.  Addressing maternal Neglect and attachment disorder ties directly into lowering children’s adverse childhood experiences.

This blog anchors its understanding of just how damaging neglectful and abusive motherhood is on the Adverse Childhood Experiences Survey.  Insecure attachment is directly linked to Question 4 of Adverse Childhood Experience.  Recall that each ACES is by itself co-equal.  Which means growing up feeling that no one your family loved you or thought you were important OR your family didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support one another is on par with witnessing domestic violence, the death of someone in the family, or being subjected to sexual abuse.

One of the goals of this blog is also to have as many men and women possible committed to society raising Children with a Adverse Childhood Experiences Survey score of Zero. Society should reach this goal without cunning and manipulative efforts to make the circumstances appear better than they truly are. In other words, no gaming the data or playing with definitions to make things look better or worse than they truly are.

How to nurture secure attachment

A primary source of secure attachment is created by both high quality and high quantity of maternal engagement.  A cold and dispassionate mother who is physically present fails her children as much as a mother who appears to be warm and engaged for the short time she is present.  Therefore it is a prospective mother’s duty before her child is even born to make sure she has the ability to be warm and present in her future child’s life.  Anything else is to be sociopathically  or narcissistically irresponsible.

This means that a prospective mother needs to be prepared to be a stay at home mother that does not provide an excessive amount of daycare. The threshold is incredibly low. For example, signs of an attachment disorder can be observed with as little as 10 hours a week of daycare for 15 month year old

This requires finical responsibility, picking a good father of her child(ren) and avoiding live events that would strip her warmth away.

Emotional Intelligence and Secure Attachment

This blog anchors its understanding of Emotional Intelligence with the work of Daniel Goldman’s Working with Emotional Intelligence, which has an emotional intelligence framework.  Most people use the term emotional intelligence in almost a careless way, without any deep understanding of the concepts at play.  A emotionally intelligent person acts in the best interests of legitimate the long term goals of an organization.

For our use, the legitimate interests are creating a generation of children with an ACES score of zero. The organization we are focusing on is the family unit.  We cannot have a generation of chidlren with an ACES of zero if we don’t address attachment disorder. Since the family unit does not exist in a void we are also focusing on the societal forces that act upon people that justify high risk behavior that contribute to ACES.

Emotional intelligence is roughly separated into the personal skills (how we manage ourselves) and the social skills (how we manage others). These two skill domains help people make the decisions that contribute to being a beneficial member of an organization.  This blog compares and contrasts the emotional intelligence framework with the traits of psychopaths and narcissists.  Without shame or reservation I believe that the modern woman acts as a sociopath and narcissistic when it comes to their responsibilities of mothers.  To voice that a mother does not have to be warm and present when a child is in the tender years is to be an enemy of children everywhere.

Emotional Intelligence Personal Skills to address Attachment Disorder

The three categories of personal skills are

• Self-Awareness, Knowing one’s internal states, preferences, resources and intuitions
• Self-regulation, Managing one’s internal impulses and resources and
• Motivation Emotional tendencies that guide or facilitate reaching goals

Self-Awareness

Self-Awareness is one of the most important Emotional Intelligence skills because it can help both those that think they are lacking in skills or those who are arrogant and believe they have skills they don’t really possess.  An accurate self-awareness completely eliminates narcissistic or sociopathic tendencies towards grandiosity or elitism.  Once a prospective mother has stripped away their pretentiousness and uniqueness they can work on being an actually loving and caring mother.

One the reason accurate self-assessment is important is people with poor social skills are unaware how they cause their own problems.  They engage in narcissistic splitting so believe the problems of the world exist outside of them. As such, they refuse to change for the better.  Their lack of accurate self-assessment is a cause of their own misery.  Failure to accurately self-asses can lend to parents finding websites like rejected parents once their kids estrange from them due to the parents unwillingness to change their narcissistic or sociopathic behavior.

Self-Regulation

Self regulation is what stops people from taking normal and healthy desires and motivations to a dangerous level.  Everyone wants attention, to be loved or respected. But when that desire becomes harmful the person becomes narcissistic.  When they are willing or excited to lie or enjoy reactive anger then the narcissistic is almost guaranteed.

Self-Regulation is what helps women develop their self-awareness.  If women hear about the behaviors that cause maternal neglect and abuse and their emotions run wild with shame or anger then they begin to lie or rage rather than work on themselves.  Without the proper self-regulation they can never adapt to being a loving and caring stay-at-home mother that does not use excessive daycare. If they don’t control the impulse to lie or rage then they will never develop trustworthiness or conscientiousness.  These negative emotions destroy the personality trait of openness and crush a woman’s emotional intelligence skills of adaptability and innovation.

A woman that lacks self-regulation also lacks the adaptability to transition to being a stay at home mother to her young child.  She lacked the foresight to plan a head and figure out what social network or activities she would need to be happy as she adapts to her new lifestyle.  The modern woman is almost completely lacking in the ability to make friends organically outside of work or school and so suffers intensely as she transitions into motherhood.  Often her pretentiousness and grandiosity stop her from enjoying routine activities that engage happy stay at home mothers. Without the proper quality and quantity of care her child becomes a likely sufferer of an attachment disorder.

Self-Motivation

The emotionally intelligent woman is 100% on board (commitment alignment) with the goal of society raising children with an ACES score of Zero.  This means she takes deliberate steps before her child is born to not engage in high risk behaviors. She likewise decided to avoid all intimate relationships with men that are at a high risk of being a bad fathers.

Her commitment is to her family, her children and her husband. She spends her initiative with optimism in building her family into the most resilient structure that she can

Social Skills (how we mange relationships)

Perhaps the most important social skill the modern woman needs to learn is how to not devalue the men in her life.  We cannot address maternal abuse and neglect without addressing how women treat the men in their lives. It is a common feminist refrain that the modern woman needs a man like a fish need a bicycle.

Having divorced or separated parents before the age of 18 gives a child an ACES score that could be avoided with a more emotionally intelligent woman. Any regenerate woman knows that we can address adverse childhood experiences by strengthening the family.

But there is a macro trend in women to devalue and discard men.  The chose of those words is intentional because it is part of the Narcissistic relationship cycle of Idealize->Devalue->Discard->Hover.

The idea that women can exist without men is pure mental illness.  They certainly cannot exist financially. Women are net negative contributors to social programs, taking out way more than they put in. (This article author supposes that situation is justified, I do not. We differ on support for gender roles and the importance in income quality).  What happens when a abused boy stops his mother from beating him?  Men have to arrest the poor boy for defending himself and protect the neglectful and abusive mother. 

A woman that cannot maintain a relationship with her husband is at a complete lack to maintain a relationship with her children.  It is not like she can isolate her emotional intelligence to just the men in her life and not inflict the same abuses and neglects upon her children.  That is fantastical thinking. Without the willingness to securely attach to her husband the modern women shows her careless attitude to her future child’s potential attachment disorder.

Empathy

This atrocious behavior by modern woman is a violation and inversion of the Emotional Intelligence social skills of leveraging diversity and service orientation.  Few things are as diverse as man and woman, father and mother, and for women to devalue masculinity is as emotionally intelligent an act as one could imaging. Women trying to mimic the role of men shows the lack of empathy that creates a attachment disorder.

The emotional intelligent alternative to devaluing men is to develop others and leverage the diversity of men and women.  Women cannot do this without accurate self-assessment but also understanding others.  Whenever you see a woman not understanding why a man would want a caring and loving woman over any other achievement or characteristic you know that this woman does not understand how a good man wants a good woman as the father of his children.

Pray consider an application of Service Orientation.  What is the sociopathic or narcissistic opposite of a service orientation?  Having a parasitic lifestyle.  The emotional intelligence framework places service orientation within the social skills but there is also a financial component to this.  A woman that can raise a family that is a benefit to society emotionally and financially is more emotionally intelligent that a woman that raises children that are a burden to society emotionally or financially.

A woman that can have children in stable relationships that don’t need social support are superior into the emotional intelligence than a woman that has a instable relationship on public assistance.  The woman on public assistance with unstable relationships has no empathy or emotional awareness for the people that she parasitically lives off.  She is completely unwilling to admit that she could have made more prudent life decisions.  Her narcissistic entitlement and commitment to personal irresponsibility gets in the way of her empathy.

Somebody need to pay for my 15 kids – YouTube

Social Adeptness

Front and center to the issue of attachment disorder is the emotional adeptness skill of building bonds.  A mother that places her kids in excessive day care or provides low quality maternal care (not engaging the kids warmly) is not building bonds with her child.  Often women that are unwilling to bond with the fruit of their own womb are also deficient in bonding with the father of their children. They are often resentful of the conflict management skills required to be successful in a relationship, such as admitting when they are the abusive or neglectful party. 

Here is a hint: if you are a woman and think it is OK for a mother of a toddler to provide more than 20 hours of non-maternal daycare you are a neglectful and abusive woman.  You are an enemy to children everywhere .  You are an enemy to responsible men everywhere.  This is true whether you have children or not. To not oppose maternal neglect and abuse is to improperly use ones influence.  Narcissistic people are often the source of their own pain and struggles.  Due to narcissistic entitlement, irresponsible behavior and lack of guilt they  don’t understand why people don’t appreciate them as much as the narcissist thinks they deserve.

Modern Women and Accurate Self Assessment

There are hordes of women that think it is OK for women to neglect their children. These women are completely confused when men don’t appreciate them.  Or why after giving their children an attachment disorder they become estranged from them. These narcissistic women look at professional or educational achievements they think make them an elite partner or a catch and don’t realize what they are proud of is their red flags.  Emotionally intelligent men wonder “If she openly supports neglecting children how will she treat me.” These women lack the empathy to understand how accurately these men see into their hearts and souls. “Why did my mom give her best to her job and give me the scraps” is a question that plagues their children.

Because these women’s accurate self-assessment is off they are completely unable to have any social adeptness. These women wield their influence for the wrong things.  They display “leadership” in propagating neglect and abuse.  They have used their energy to be a change catalyst for evil instead of good.  Their team capabilities are developing neglectful and abusive women just like them.  Due to their reactive anger, they use a host of emotionally unintelligent communication techniques.

These include

• double binds
• deliberate misunderstanding (playing stupid)
• false confessions,
• the tactic of attack, and
• building up oneself as a good person.

These women somehow think they are effective communicators and in the moral right.

Conclusions and Hard Conversations

Let me be blunter than normal.  The average woman doesn’t really care that she neglects her children.  Her children are a source of narcissistic supply to her and nothing more.  She cares if she is found out and loses some public esteem.  She cares if her children don’t give her the attention she wants (but does not deserve).  The problem of insecure attachment would be so bad if the average woman gave a damn about her children.  The average woman plays stupid and pretends that the research into maternal neglect and abuse is too hard to understand.  She is repulsed by maternal role models that show intact marriages with stay at home mothers. Likewise she finds repugnant home school moms (no matter how polite she superfically seems).  She sees responsibility to her children and a husband as oppression.

Men

Men, you have to understand that if you see a woman that thinks it is OK for a woman to be a working mother in the child tender years she isn’t even pretending to care about children.  She is in a state of arrested development.  A mother that can’t be a stay at home mother is less than a wild dog. Below we see a African wild dog that is a stay-at-home mother that, even though annoyed by her pups neediness, always remains nearby. No attchment disorders for these puppers.

African Wild Dog Mom Needs a Break from Pups – YouTube

Women

I hope you understand that as more time goes on more men see you for what you really are.  And as you get worse as a sex less men are willing to voluntarily put up with you.  And as your children get older they will be able to see you for what you are as well.  If you don’t rip the narcissism and sociopathy out of your soul you will end up exactly where you deserve. Many of you will be looking for websites like rejectedparents.com to provide your echo chamber. Or you will be looking for grief counseling due to the early death of your children.

Adult Children of toxic mothers

To the children of these narcissistic and sociopathic women I have some bad news.  The existing structures that would treat you are completely part of the maternal abuse and neglect industry. Men concerned about maternal abuse and neglect may be accused of wanting to control women’s bodies. This slander follows disclaimers by people alleding they oppose all forms of abuse and neglect.  Mental health professionals will slanderer you while you seek support due to the trauma you received at the hand of toxic women.  If you are a woman, you risk of being told you have internalized misogyny. Or you have been brainwashed into accepting toxic masculinity . This will come from professional woman you ask for knowledge on how to actually avoid giving your children an attachment disorder.

The post Six ways good mothers use Emotional Intelligence to not give children an attachment disorder appeared first on Against Maternal Abuse And Neglect.

One has to remember that many “defense mechanisms” that narcissists use are criminal thinking errors or tactics to avoid change. When a woman has built up the image of themselves as a good person and someone points out that they chose to neglect their children almost daily you see a host of narcissistic behavior. This behavior ranges from reactive anger, dismissing the harm done, lack of empathy, envy of men or women without children, and a pervasive state of self-perceived victimhood at assuming the responsibilities of motherhood. In short, the exact opposite of what a caring and loving mother would do.

What else do emotionally deadbeat women with these delusions do when faced with reality? Quite frankly they lie or play stupid. They are in a state of arrested development. They use the skills that the learned in elementary school and are unwilling to learn or practice consistently more adult ways of behaving. Since they are older they can use these childish skills at a higher level than when they were in kindergarten. However, they are still emotional children because they have refused to grow up and accept adult responsibilities.

One we understand narcissism we can understand the enemies of sound research into excessive daycare. Part of this understanding comes with the horror of just how widespread maternal narcissism has become.

Understanding Narcissism

Everyone has some areas were they could improve. Many of us have some serious faults. Bad habits. Bad traits can range from mild to severe and people with this trait can either be low functioning or high functioning individuals in the professional world.  Sometimes a fault in a personal relationship can make someone successful in a soulless bureaucracy. Christopher Lasch puts it well:

“For all his inner suffering, the narcissist has many traits that make for success in bureaucratic institutions, which put premium on the manipulation of interpersonal relations, discourage the formation of deep personal attachments, and at the same time provide the narcissist with the approval he needs in order to validate his self-esteem.”
― Christopher Lasch, The Culture of Narcissism: American Life in An Age of Diminishing Expectations

Obviously, in one’s personal life being manipulative and having a lack of deep personal attachments is a bad thing. Who wants a emotionally distant but manipulative mother? Who wants to be that kind of father? No one that is well adjusted.

Narcissistic traits:

• A grandiose sense of self-importance
• Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• Believing that they are “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
• Requiring excessive admiration
• A sense of entitlement (unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations)
• Being interpersonally exploitative (taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends)
• Lacking empathy (unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others)
• Often being envious of others or believing that others are envious of them
• Showing arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Narcissistic personality disorder – Wikipedia

Causes of narcissism range from genetic components, early childhood traumas, cultural or social reasons. Some people may just figure it out themselves. They get a rush when they lie and get away with it. All by themselves they discover the joy of taking their anger out on people. They learned at a young age to play the victim to blame shift their faults onto others. They learn to buy into their own lies and believe 100% that a lie told well enough is as good as the truth if not better. Getting out of their responsibilities is a game to them worth playing as is building up the lie that they are good people.

Psychologist define both psychopaths and narcissists by their grandiosity, inability to (honestly) accept responsibility for their actions, parasitic lifestyles, willingness to attack people that know and speak the truth, and so forth.  For people in tuned with sensing these traits there is an epidemic of narcissism.  Christopher Lasch published The Culture of Narcissism in 1979 and I dare say things have just gotten worse.  Narcissism has become more widespread and it occurs at more higher intensities. The idea that there is an epidemic of narcissism is still very common and accepted.  Dr Yeomans has over 40 years of experience in dealing with personality disorders:

Most people accept the notion of widespread or systemic narcissism so long as you are talking about another demographic’s behaviors.  Women easily see narcissism in men but not women, and vice versa.  Some nations are broadly culturally narcissistic as well but discussing that right now will get me bogged down.

People with different background and experiences are going to explain the key aspects of narcissism differently.  It comes with human nature and how individuals build models of understanding.  I focus on several key components that occur in a pattern of thoughts and behaviors.  Just because I cite some people does not mean they agree with my complete model.

Narcissistic Behaviors

Traits and thought patterns lead people to showing behaviors. Behaviors that are harmful are called maladaptive. Someone that has a lot of assertiveness or attention seeking behaviors could test highly on some narcissism tests. But what makes narcissistic behavior hurtful or maladaptive is when it causes pain to others or the narcissist. Things that can really damage relationships are the dismissiveness that comes from a lack of empathy, or the mental gymnastics they use to justify their reactive anger. Everyone may feel some jealousy or envy from time to time but it becomes maladaptive when the negative emotions lead to bullying or slander.

Time and time again when the experts discuss narcissism they mention the following:

Splitting: Internal Goodness Versus External Badness justifies Violence

Narcissists tend to view everything that is good with them as being internal to them and everything that is bad is external to them.  “Thick-skinned” narcissists are often very dismissive of legitimate or insightful criticism that so there is really no getting to them. On the other hand, “thin-skinned” narcissists take great offence to any criticism no matter how gentle, fair, and balanced.

Narcissism has a specific psychological structure:

Narcissism is about personal narratives:

Since narcissist views themselves as “good” every time someone tries to point out how they could improve or be better in some way they view that as a vicious attach. Anything that is not “good” is “bad” and what is “bad” is external to them. The narcissistic has a grandiose sense of their own goodness and anything that criticizes that is deeply degrading to them. As such, the narcissist views their intense counterattack as justified. The notion “the average person is average; and they are average” is violence to them.

They Morally Mandates Lies

Narcissistic people have a strange way of viewing the truth and the role that lying play in maintaining the psychological structure of their grandiose thinking.  Broadly thinking, truths are an aggression to the narcissist.

Narcissist often lies because the truth is offensive to them.  They believe the truth a greater injustice than the lie they tell.  If they have not achieved great things then the world is wrong for not giving them what they desire.  Their lack of glory is a greater injustice than their lie.  The lie is “what should be” and so it is acceptable and morally required.  To tell the truth is a version of self harm to narcissist.  It is ok to destroy or attack truths that go against the narcissist self image

Due to the narcissist willingness or excitement to be abusive it is easier to go along with the lies than to tell them the truth.  In other words, the narcissist tries to create a situation where is easier to be gaslight by them than struggle against the all the different kind of lies and anger they use.

Narcissists are in a state of arrested development

They use anger, tantrums and lies like a child.  They are not above playing the adult version of playground bully while also being the teachers pet while in the classroom.  This really limits their ability to develop in mature and holistic ways.   Since they are so childish transfer any faults or blame from themselves onto others. 

Much like psychopath; narcissist wear a mask of sanity.  They have one set of behaviors they use in public and a completely different set they reveal to people in private.  Or, in relationships they use one face they in the beginning of relationships when they childishly idealize the other person and later they use a different face to devalued and discard what they use to idealize.  Narcissistic Abuse Cycle: Stages, Impact, and Coping (verywellmind.com)

They are in the basement when considering Kohlberg’s Stages of Moral Development. Kohlberg’s  stages of moral development is itself a deeply flawed structure that I must needs address later but even within that flawed structure narcissists moral reasoning is childish.

Since they see themselves as “good” they want you to be overly cautious with their emotions but they have no need to be cautious about your emotions.  They can emotionally be a bull in a china shop with others but want others to walk on egg shells around them. They will try to convince you that y ou are the one that is childish if you don’t see how right they are.  This apparent emotional fragility is often dismissed as stemming from trauma. But there are a host of traumatized people that are more empathetic towards people, not less, due to their trauma. So that excuses is destroyed when we consider appropriate role models.

They set up “double binds” to make sure you are always wrong and they are always right

Double-binds are classic “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situations that narcissists set up almost without thinking about it.  If a narcissist is doing something wrong and you tell them calmly they will later blame you for not telling them clearly enough, they didn’t know how important it was too you.  When you are clear with them, they will blame you for being to careless with their emotions.  If you don’ tell them anything at all you are at fault for not trying to inform or support them.

Narcissist lie to themselves by rewriting their memories as needed to redefine normal actions as abusive by using the double bind.  In the beginning of a relationship when you are setting healthy limits they idolize your clear communication. They love how you have given them a clear path to a successful relationship with you.  Later, when they devalue you they come back with the double bind.  All the expectations and boundaries you set in the beginning of the relationship were now toxic, unrealistic, and abusive.  Narcissist attempt to convince you that they are not a deceitful monster for violating the foundational agreements of the relationship. Rather, you are the monster for wanting to maintain your boundaries.

The post The Narcissistic Enemies of Research into Excessive Non-Maternal Daycare appeared first on Against Maternal Abuse And Neglect.

Deciding how much daycare to use is a complicated issue due to all of the factors involved. But really, it simplifies down to how good or bad the daycare is relative to the mom. Another complication is a lot of bad advice out there because of bad research into the matter.  There is a political interest for researchers to pander to working mothers that want to be told it is ok to use full time daycare.  Also, research departments are filled with biased women. They do not want to do quality research into what makes up a neglectful amount of daycare. They don’t want to morally convict themselves.  “Liberated” women outside of academia don’t want to read about what responsible motherhood is either.

How Excessive Daycare can lead to Trauma

Excessive daycare is something that I return to repeatedly in this blog. Due to how easily some parents make the decision my focus may seem strange. But the quality-of-care children receive is incredibly important for their long-term happiness. The framework I use to evaluate abusive and neglectful behavior is the Adverse Childhood Experiences Survey. At first glance people may think what does daycare have to do with ACES? Some of the items on there are really bad, like being sexually assaulted or having a parent addicted to street drugs. Of course, having a mentally ill parent would be a traumatic experience. But daycare? Yes, actually.

People have a emotional response to things that are acutely stressful and we easily see abuse for what it is. It is a lot harder for society to properly judge people or situations that are chronically neglectful because each single day doesn’t seem so bad. ACES show the daily stress of chronic neglect can be build up and be equal to the harm caused by a intense abusive experience.

It is not strange to come across someone that has a “good life” and they wonder why they seem to not be happy. Their job is going well, their finances are in order and they have a good homelife. Why do they seem so unexcited or resentful about things? Often, they have no idea about ACES and after a few questions you find out they have an ACES score of 5 or 7 off of what they thought was a normal, unremarkable upbringing.

The stress of ACES on society is fantastically expensive in terms of human suffering and financially. Almost every fashionable social issue society faces today is affected in some way by ACES. One of the largest negative outcomes that could be addressed is depressive disorders.

Below are two questions from the ACES survey. If someone receives a high quantity of daycare they are more likely to answer “yes” to question 4. If they have low quality of parental care are more likely to answer “yes” to questions 4 and 5. Both of those are easily avoided ACES that many people in western societies pick up from the neglect of their mothers. They could easily be avoided. The goal of parents should be to have ACES 0 children. The goal of a trauma informed woman is to have ACE 0 Children. A trauma informed society wants ACES Zero citizens. I am going to cover ACES in detail in a upcoming article.

The major factors researchers explored are the quantity non-maternal day care, the quality of maternal care versus non-maternal care, and the educational outcomes of the children. Researchers have focused on separation or attachment disorders but have not couched the neglect in the term of ACES. I find that is a very big missing piece.

One main source of confusion is many people do not know what comprises good research.  In short, the research showing non-maternal daycare is more valid than than research supporting daycare’s beneficial outcomes. This post will describe what we know about how bad daycare is. Another upcoming post will review the shoddy research that supports daycare.

Stress hormones: How we know Non-maternal Daycare is bad in itself

Babies should form a deep and healthy bond with their mothers in the tender years.  It is great for their physical and mental health.  That bond provides the baseline security for children to have the confidence to take on the world. Low quality and quantity of maternal care can damage that maternal bond. The motherhood bond is vital for children because it drives stress over the course of someone’s whole life.

The research has been in for almost a generation: non-maternal daycare raises children’s stress hormones. The article is a meta-analysis that controlled for quality of daycare provider and found all things being equal, even high quality of care daycares stress children out.  The article blames the group setting as the reason why stress hormones rise but how they controlled for maternal separation anxiety to reach that conclusion I don’t know. Prolonged use of non-maternal daycare leads to children’s brains being awash in stress hormones due to normal separation anxiety.  This is especially true for children less than three years old and even worse for children that go to a low-quality daycare. 

This article shows that you can see that children in daycare’s stress levels go up even higher when they go to low quality daycare. It stands to reason that cortisol would also be higher homes with lower quality maternal care. Also, the longer the child is in daycare per day the more exhausting it is for them and it seems to add up over the week. So picking them up early is great for their energy levels and moods. Remember, the parents are at fault if a child is tired and cranky.

Daycare and Falling IQs?

For generations the worlds average IQ went up as society developed.  Now, society is continuing to develop but IQ is decreasing.  I think one reason IQ is going down is the daily stress of neglectful and abusive women on their children. Excessive daycare plays a large role in that neglect.  Every day of daycare is a day that exposes a child’s developing brain to potentially toxic levels of separation anxiety.  There are all of the other degenerate influences of modern society, like lack of proper sleep or low-quality parents putting their children on screens as a way of doing crowd control rather than engaging their children.

Understanding the confusion about daycare and maternal neglect

It is deeply irresponsible to separate the conversation on non-maternal daycare by looking at educational outcomes and ignoring mental health outcomes.  What is the point of damaging someone’s mental health so they can learn differential calculus by age 15? So they can be the most highly educated person their therapist sees this week?

There is often attempts to confuse the issues at hand when discussing pre-school, after-school activities, and nonmaternal day, et cetera.  Another problem comes when shoddy researchers use implicit biases to justify non-maternal care. The emphasis on mental health versus education allows people to be two faced and speak “honestly” to different audiences.  Researchers can talk about daycare, trauma informed care or abuse and neglect to one audience. They put on another face when talking to other stakeholders and talk about daycares academic benefits.

Assuming Going to College is better than other life decisions

Being aware of one’s biases when conduction research is one of the first things they teach you in a research methods class. If a researcher is not aware of their implicit and explicit biases their research runs the risk of not being meaningful. Even worse, it can be outright harmful to society. Research into daycare or maternal neglect is no different.

A lot of researchers are implicitly or explicitly biased in favor of the college track. With their baggage, the researchers assume that college is the is better than a host of other life paths.  I assume it’s a bias that over-educated people want others to be overeducated as well.  They cannot see pass their pretentions and probably have no idea how condescending they appear.  There are plenty of high achieving people without college degrees and low functioning people with college degrees. Researchers should not place desire for in classroom learning over other methods. Considering that the mental health of college students is getting worse we could argue that many people are successful despite going to college rather than because they went to college.

It is common to read about long term research into daycare, preschool and aftercare that reports higher hours are better because the kids, now they are teenagers, want to go to college. The research does not report on vocational ambitions like wanting to enter a trade school or joining the military. The researchers are completely disinterested in women that want to be caring and loving mothers.

Their narrow-minded pretentiousness stunts their analysis[1] because they assume well adjusted people want to go to college.  What is wrong with wanting to go to a trade school,  wanting a trade in general, joining the military, or getting a job with a good health care and retirement plan? Or what is wrong if a woman prioritizes her family over her career and her education?

Well-structured research would look at

• Daycare
  • The age it began
  • How Many hours per week by age
• Wellbeing
  • ACES interview & other mental health assessments
  • Physical health
• Academic success (only in high school)
  • Beyond the degree, what did they actually learn
• Vocational success
• Criminal history/attitudes
• Substance use

and it would do so with a more robust awareness of biases than the current researchers do.

Understanding Quality of Care: Engaging the kids

Part of quality care is what is done with the kiddos.  Quality of care isn’t just keeping a superficial warmth affect with your children while you put them in front of the TV and serve them a microwavable dinner.  Quality care is warmly engaging the children with:

• reading

• arts and crafts

• household chores

• routines

• naps

Every one of these activities is a chance to positively engage children. Or, in the case of naps, ensure that activities stay positive.

Understanding Quality of Care: Maternal Warmth

Society has known for a long time that the bond between a mother and child is one of the most important things to guarantee the child’s long-term success.  People did not debate the idea that a mother should warmly and continuously engage her children. This knowledge was the foundation of the tender years doctrine as society understood children needed access to warm mothers. Once women decided to dedicate themselves to more materialistic and status-based pursuits then it became controversial.  Feminist now resent the tender years doctrine for the responsibility it brings.

Warmth Research in the 1950

In the 1950s researchers didn’t have enough data and computer power to run the statistics to show how bad certain amounts of non-maternal daycare.  The results need to be broken down by age daycare began and many hours a week children were exposed to it.  They also had to collect and account for demographic or socio-economic factors.  What makes excessive daycare more damaging? What makes it less damaging?  Just how bad is day care for newborns?  For toddlers?  It takes a lot of data to have valid research and be able to speak on authority on the matter.

The focus on children’s mental health and the role of motherhood in society isn’t new.  In the 1950s John Bowlby argued that a mother’s love in infancy and childhood was just as important for mental health as vitamins were for physical health.  As more and more women moved into the workforce people “forgot” how important this bond was.

This research isn’t popular. Especially with feminist.  They despise warmly attached mothers and attack them on multiple fronts.  Betty Friedan, who is credited with starting the Third wave of feminism, told mothers it was their responsibility to neglect their children so they could get jobs taking care of even more neglected children.  Simone de Bouvier, who is credited with kicking off the Second Wave of Feminism make it clear that women should not “authorized” to be stay at home mothers.  Authoritarian psychopaths. Choice feminism has always been a lie.

Warmth Research in the 1980s

I commonly mention the phenomenon that Birds of A Feather Flock Together.  Mildly abusive and neglectful people defend severely abusive and neglectful people as their first line of defense in defending themselves.  Look at the difference In the quote above in offending from families with affectionate women versus contentious women.  Contentious women are a health disaster and a crime disaster. But so many women flock together while these contentious women create the next generation of depressed and anxious people. Also, the next generation of criminals.

Modern Research into Warmth

We have had the ability to shift through the data now for a couple of decades.  Turns out our traditional assumptions were true, non-maternal daycare is bad.  As little as 10 hours a week causes notable damage to toddlers relationship with the mother if the mother is cold (get anchor).  Women, rounding up, still chose to be neglectful and abusive. 

Youth Level Survey/Case Management Inventory

My organization uses the Youth Level Survey/Case Management Instrument (YLS/CMI) to determine its case management and interventions for juvenile delinquents.  The research shows that a lot of the “old fashioned” ways of thinking about a child’s upbringing and criminality have been true all along.  Since the system is proprietary I don’t know how much of it I can speak to without violating some kind of copywrite.  Despite what the Fabians and Socialist may tell you, crime isn’t truly tied to socioeconomic status, poverty or personal distress.  It is tied to poor parent child relationships (particularly the mothers), educational achievement, and anti-social attitudes and associates.

Non-Maternal Daycare Modern Research

Before we dig into some research some notes.  Non-Maternal Day Care is any daycare not done by the mother.  Quite simply, whenever the mother isn’t readily available the child is either receiving non-maternal daycare or they are receiving no care at all.  For maternal daycare Mommy and child do not need to be in the same room or engaging in the same activity. Children just need to know they can rely on Mommy very quickly.  The older the kids are the further they can be and still be cared for by their mother. It is also a bit different if the kid decides to happily go outside or is unhappily pushed outside.

If mommy is inside and the kids are playing happily in the yard or with some friends across the street then they know exactly where mommy is. She can attend to any emotional or physical needs that could emerge.  Eventually as I liked above, stress hormones rise and separation anxiety kicks in.

If children are with alone with Daddy or at preschool even through and are doing the exact same activities they are increasing their hours of non-maternal daycare.  The amount of hours is a quantity issue.  The need for a mother with a warm affect is a quality issue.  Children in their tender years need both. As they get older they need less quantity but they still need quality.

The research I cite is typical; meaning there are a lot more research that confirms the general findings of what I am citing.  If you want a more exhaustive literature review please, feel free, empowered, and encouraged to go to the articles I cite and go through their literature reviews.  I am confident you will find that non-maternal daycare is bad, the earlier it starts the worse it is.  The only seeming benefit I have found is kids in daycare do somewhat better on language acquisition.  If you find that compelling reason to advocate for non-maternal day care just imagine how articulate children will be when they talk about how neglectful and abusive their mothers are.

A hard copy of the book I reference the most is here. Quite frankly I haven’t bought it myself.  I would beggar myself if I bought all the source materials I desired. A summary is here. Much of the research is behind academic paywalls but there are news articles that do a fair job of summarizing the work. If an article is available for free I will link to it.  If an article is behind a paywall but the abstract is useful I will link to the abstract.

10 hours of Non-Maternal Daycare a Week for 15-month year old

10 hours of nonmaternal child care a week is linked to a weaker attachment, or bond, with the mother at 15 months old. But that is only if the mother also is highly insensitive, or unresponsive, to her child’s needs.

How Much Child Care Is Too Much? Coming Research Offers Some Answers

That is a quote from research from the 2005.  The modern woman reads that and cannot properly process what she has read.  She does not know how harmful the weak attachment is. Or, she thinks that most women are not highly insensitive to their children’s needs. Her mind comes up with all sorts of mental gymnastics to justify the current state of motherhood and the fact that the vast majority of toddlers are in more than 10 hours of daycare.   The section below shows that at 20 hours of daycare most women were insensitive enough to have attachment issues.

Having viewed many mothers in action or hearing them talk about their day I can tell you many modern women are quite unresponsive. 

The modern woman also looks at the low 10-hour threshold with horror.  It goes against her anti-social expectations.  Modern women have been fed a fantasy life where they be away from their children while still being a “good mother”.  They were angry at people that did not pander to their Suggestibility.  The lie simply isn’t the case. The world groans with the reality of maternal abuse and neglect and how anti-social modern women are.

20+ Hours a and 35+ Hours a Week for 13 Month Old’s

Analysis of data obtained during Strange Situation assessments conducted when infants were 12 and 13 months of age revealed that infants exposed to 20 or more hours of care per week displayed more avoidance of mother on reunion and were more likely to be classified as insecurely attached to her than infants with less than 20 hours of care per week.

Sons whose mothers were employed on a full-time basis (greater than 35 hours per week) were more likely to be classified as insecure in their attachments to their fathers than all other boys, and, as a result, sons with 20 or more hours of nonmaternal care per week were more likely to be insecurely attached to both parents and less likely to be securely attached to both parents than other boys. [paragraph break and emphasis for readability]

Nonmaternal care in the first year of life and the security of infant-parent attachment – PubMed (nih.gov)

This older research is important for several reasons.  First, it shows how long we have known that non-maternal daycare leads to attachment issues at a young age.  It also shows that for many kids negative results happen at 20 hours a week.  The above section shows that as low as 10 hours can be bad if the mother is not responsive.  This article shows that at 20 hours half the kids get insecurely attached with their moms & Dads. A lot of the research seems to forget the importance of attachments to fathers.   If you never really bonded with your father it may be because your mother didn’t want to provide the care of a mother.

60 Hours of Non-Maternal Day Care for infants

Findings suggest that during a sensitive period of attachment formation, infants who spend more than 60 hr/week in nonmaternal care may be at an increased risk of forming a disorganized attachment.

Very extensive nonmaternal care predicts mother-infant attachment disorganization: Convergent evidence from two samples

At 60 hours of non-maternal daycare children get full blown attachment disorders.  A lot of concerns about mother-child bond occur on a spectrum and a attachment disorder is about as bad as it gets.  In this modern age that amount of nonmaternal daycare is easily reached if mommy is doing shift work and the kid is shuffled between daycare and family care.

30-45 hours of Non-Maternal Daycare a week for 4 ½ year old

The risk threshold goes up to 45 hours of childcare a week by the time children reach 4½ years old. Children who averaged 30 to 45 hours in child care a week scored just slightly above the mean on a scale of behavior problems.

How Much Child Care Is Too Much? Coming Research Offers Some Answers

Imagine a day in  modern commuter home for a day-care or pre-school aged kids. No one wakes up naturally they all get woken up by an alarm clock or someone else rousing them.  They have a quick breakfast, probably not at the table and dad takes the kids to daycare or pre-school, and then mom picks the kids up from daycare.  She gets home and puts the kid in front of the TV so she can make something resembling a dinner.  She does most of the cooking and cleaning by herself because to include her child would take even more time and effort.  They eat dinner and then there may be some book reading before bed, or there could be more electronics.  Maybe depending on the time of year there is some soccer or basketball lessons or other activity for the kids a couple of times a week. 

That is a fraction of the both the quality and quantity of care children should be having with their mothers.

45 hours of Non-Maternal Daycare a week for 4 ½ year Olds

At 45 hours a week, though, the increase in scores became noteworthy, with children in that much child care posting a score of 53.1, indicating more behavior problems than would be found in the population as a whole.

How Much Child Care Is Too Much? Coming Research Offers Some Answers

Pray consider a professional woman (Nurse, doctors, mental health providers ) doing shift work so she has to work weekends, swings or grave shift.  Many professional women will put their children in pre-school or daycare because mommy wants to focus on her children’s academic outcomes so she could deflect from mental health issues stemming from her neglect. This allows her to build herself up as a good person. 

Excuses for Emotionally Unintelligent (narcissistic/psychopathic) mothers

There is a tendency or desire in people to over-diagnose other people and of course, I want to avoid that myself. But having a mentally ill parent is an Adverse Childhood Experiences. So looking at psychopathic or narcissistic behavior or reasoning is very useful and on point for this blog. There are many ways a potential mother could review the available research, get confused, and just decide to do what they see everyone else doing. Later, when they have more information, they later regret their decision because there is no taking it back. But there are “mothers” that are looking for excuses to get out of what they don’t want to do. They have a desire to have children but being a mother gets in the way of their materialistic or status-based goals.

So they come up with the same excuses an absolute psychopath would. Or they have the same motivations as a narcissist. I am not going to go over the whole psychopathy checklist, but some things jump to mind. Any one of these excuses is an atrocious reason for mothers to not care for their children.

Short List of psychopathic excuses for excessive non-maternal daycare

• Need for stimulation – caring for your own children is boring
• Grandiose self-worth – They have too much potential to be a stay-at-home mom
• Irresponsibility – Let someone else provide the care only mothers can
• Manipulative – Passive aggressively does not learn how to be an emotionally intelligent mother
• Lack of Responsibility – To care their own child as a mother
• Lack of long term goals – they didn’t properly plan to be a caring mother
• Lying – about their true motivations, being unaware of the harm or their ability to be caring.
• Callous Lack of Empathy – children’s separation anxiety, stress hormones, ACES, falling IQ don’t matter
• Lack of Remorse – They may say they feel remorse but any remorse they feel is weak enough to suppress and continue their neglect.

There are also narcissistic women that have women to trap men or to feed their own egos.

Kristy Lee Hochenberger Ph.D. writes:

Narcissists will only engage in relationships for the benefits. For example, narcissistic women may latch on to a new partner and get married to take advantage of benefits, money, status, or prestige.

Pregnancy and childrearing are also important and profitable bargaining tools in a relationship and breakup/divorce. In most states, child support is increased per child of the union, and mothers are overwhelmingly granted majority custody, thus resulting in higher child support awards. This makes for an easy payout for narcissistic mothers

Narcissistic Women May Use Pregnancy as Power | Psychology Today

What do these women do instead of being good people? Often, they have decided to conveniently overwork themselves at their jobs. They argue they quite simply don’t have the time or patience to develop their emotional competencies as mothers.  As a result, the same child that fusses with frustration or anxiety with their mother thrives under the (un-psychotic) care of the professionals. 

To Abusive and Neglectful women this creates a perverse incentive to not be better as mothers. They can claim it is better for their children that they, their mother, not take care of them. Textbook Passive Aggressive behavior to get out of responsibilities. It also gives them an excuse to be dramatic and abusive that their kid behaves better for other people.

Closing Thoughts

Non-Maternal Daycare is a serious problem due to separation anxiety and insecure attachments with children parents.  For the first year of a kid life as little as 10 hours is to much for many children.  A responsible mother wanting to have 2-3 kids should create a realistic plan to be a stay-at-home mother. This plan covers all of the years all of the children are under 4 ½ years old.  Whether she wants to group the kids together or spread them out is up to her and her husband.

A Trauma Informed Woman versus Modern Women

A Trauma Informed Woman wants to have children that are ACES 0. She also wants to avoid psychopathic reasoning, excuses, and behaviors in her life. Most modern women don’t want to function as trauma informed women. There is less excitement. It is harder to feel powerful by being abusive or the thrill of getting out of their responsibilities.

I want women who have issues with men think about non-maternal daycare. Think about the excuses that women use to get out of providing the care only a mother can provide. These women think like psychopaths and men know that. The wide swaths of the female population that consider motherhood or marriage oppression hold deeply anti-social views and anti-social expectations. But these women also think that men are the problem. They wonder why men won’t open up to them and feel vulnerable around them. They get angry at closed off men and the expectations they be good women.

In other words, modern women that use too much daycare cannot be trusted because they are not trauma informed.

Emotionally Intelligent versus Anti-Social

All Emotionally intelligent women are Trauma Informed but not all Trauma Informed Women are emotionally intelligent. Some skill development needs to happen to put the information into practice. The emotionally intelligent woman approaches information into being a caring and loving mother with excitement.  An anti-social woman responds to this information with hostility or irritability.  The emotional response of the body tells the truth of whether a woman is emotionally intelligent or not and that is why emotional awareness is so important to self-assessment.

The emotionally intelligent woman has empathy for men who want to avoid neglectful and abusive women.  She understands that a good man wants a good wife for the future mother of their children.  That means he wants a woman willing to use appropriate amounts of daycare.  The anti-social woman is hostile to these prudent men.  They often pretentiously think they are above both prudent men that want caring women as well as the women that prioritize being caring wives and mothers.

I have written at length about women wanting to be emotionally intelligent out of the home but are deeply resentful to being emotionally intelligent inside the home. In short, these women lack integrity and I argue we should gauge someone’s emotional intelligence by where they display the least emotional competencies, not the most. Please have a read.

Recommendations

Women

Women wanting to be caring and loving mothers would do best to separate themselves from anti-social men and women. This includes personalities on “anti” social media and especially comedy that normalizes woman’s misbehavior. The less time anyone spends with anti-social people the more time you have to build relationships emotionally intelligent people. 

A woman’s reaction to knowledge about maternal abuse and neglect can signal a lot.  She may decide for herself she needs to reassess herself and change into a truly caring and loving woman.  What she needs to do can vary greatly, from simple self-education to intensive therapy. 

Realize that well-adjusted men don’t want a woman that is even mildly psychopathic or narcissistic. If you read any of the excuses that a psychopathic woman would make to use excessive daycare and they make sense to you then functionally you are closer to a psychopath than most men want. And it isn’t ok to think that if you are mildly psychopathic or narcissistic you are still a catch. No: you are not.

There is a degree of self-creation when someone decides what kind of person they want to be. I remember reading the Psychopathy Checklist and easily thought that if that is bad then I want to do the opposite. For years I worked on self-correcting my thoughts and regulating my behavior while I was still in my teens. I am sure other people looked at the list and thought to make excuses for each behavior they wanted to do. Women, the longer you have gone making excuses for any item on the psychopathy checklist the more you have suppressed your own ability to be a good wife and mother.

I hope you have enough goodness to have the willingness to undo any damage you did to yourselves by justifying any anti-social thoughts and expectations you had.

Men

It is going to be hard to find a caring and loving woman to be the mother of your child. My mother wasn’t so I wanted a woman that would be good for my children. I found a woman that said she understood the research. She said she had the family values to be a good mom but she was lying to me. She agreed to stop working when our baby came but refused and then she got worse and worse. I hope you have better luck than I did.

I see other men who don’t care their wife put their kids in daycare after 4 week of maternity leave. Now the kids are speech delayed, behind in school, or have anxiety and depression issues. It is almost to the point that if a woman wants children in wedlock she should agree to quit working at the engagement because you cannot trust them to do it later. If she starts working before the kid are in kindergarten it should be grounds for a at-fault divorce.

It may be too late for you to have a caring and loving woman as the mother of your children. But hopefully you will be able to raise your sons and daughters with the information needed for them to be good parents with good spouses.

The post Excessive Daycare: All you need to know to end any confusion appeared first on Against Maternal Abuse And Neglect.

In 2009 a research article threw me out a big piece of bait with this hook title: You Can’t Be Happier than Your Wife. Happiness Gaps and Divorce.[1] The article was provoking on several levels. A news site summed it up.  [B]ased on data from tens of thousands of marriages in Britain, Australia and Germany – found that a wife is much more likely to divorce a husband she thinks is happier than her; and that if her partner is less happy than her, she is much more likely to stay with him.

Psychopathy, the parasitic lifestyle & the Mask of Sanity

Having or wanting a parasitic lifestyle is one of the hallmarks of psychopathy.  Due to modern social norms about traditional relationships many psychopathic women go unidentified.  Usually on numbered lists of psychopathic traits is “glibness or superficial charm”.  Psychopaths wear a “mask of sanity” is their superficial charm that hides their negative traits from the rest of the world.  From time to time that mask skips.  Psychopathic women mask of sanity publicly says “I want a supportive man” when beneath the mask in private they a parasite looking for a host.  They won’t stop at just being parasitic to the men in their lives, they will use every family member and relationship they can.  We could view all other psychopathic traits in this article but for length we are just going to address two: callous lack of empathy and sexuality.

Callous Lack of Empathy

Glibness and a parasitic lifestyle also combine with a callous lack of empathy.  When parasitic women sees a man is happier than her in any way she becomes envious and feels compelled to attack his happiness. She wants him to support her happiness to the point his happiness is ruined. If he does not she will attack his happiness until what she sees as the proper balance is restored. Her deeply ingrained anti-social expectations see her abusive behavior as an act of self-righteous justice.

If the psychopathic woman perceives an activity she does with her husband brings him “too much” happiness she finds ways to sabotage that activity.  She will sabotage birthdays, anniversaries, any holiday he enjoys if she perceives that he enjoys the event more than her.  She will passive-aggressively put in less effort into things that he enjoys until he no longer enjoys them. Or she will become abusive during those events until she has conditioned him to not enjoy them anymore.

Sexuality

A parasitic woman may sacrifice her sex life with her husband if she perceives he enjoys sex more than her.  She enjoys sex herself, especially when she is making sure she is getting parasitically attached to her new hosts.  Eventually sex becomes another aspect of the relationship to toy with (sexuality thinking error).  She will demand greater and greater concessions to engage in an activity she enjoys but she will do less and less when she does have sex with her partner.  She will crush his advances with an approach designed to cause the most emotional damage. Later she then mocks him for the pain of rejection. 

After doing so, she may gossip and slander him saying he isn’t being romantic anymore.  She portrays herself completely as the victim when she does this.  It is all justified due to the happiness gap in sex. If called to account, she will make a false confession. While doing so she hides behind confusion that men would even be hurt by this pattern of behavior.

This manipulation becomes apparent when she is single again.  She has sex with her exes that is once again reenergized, and she is again giving and generous.  All of a sudden, she seems to remember that the more you give the more you get in the bedroom.  Or she has a string of shallow sexual relationships so she can enjoy sex.

Visual Representation of the research

For the visual leaners, below is an of a happiness gap against the woman’s favor. The man is perceived as happier than the wife.

Below is an example of a happiness gap in the wife’s favor when the wife isn’t even happy.

The woman in situation one is actually happier than the woman in situation two. If she is parasitic she is willing to destroy a relationship that makes her the happiest so she can get into a relationship where she feels she is winning.

The Costs of Parasitic Woman’s Behaviors

Adverse Childhood Experiences and Divorce

Everyone that is being honest knows how bad divorce is for children.  Remember, it is an Adverse Childhood Experience for a child to be raised with divorce or separated parents.  Having a reckless attitude to raising children without a father is similar to deciding to physically or sexually abuse them. It is as bad as a sober person deciding to get on some street drugs.

Below is a chart that shows co-occurrence of specific ACES from respondents with serious mood disorders. Kinship/foster care scores the highest for mean cooccurring events but foster care happens after other ACES have happened. The two highest primary ACES are having a mentally ill parent or having parents separated or divorced.

Two of the highest covariant of ACES (those that predict other ACES scores) are the mental health of the mother and divorce. Having a psychopathic/sociopathic mother is certainly having a mother with a mental disorder.

Hostage Taking

If the parasitic woman has children, she is implicitly engaging in hostage taking. When she attacks her husband’s happiness the children are automatically taken hostage.  Depending on his religious views towards divorce she can also take him hostage on that front as well. She is playing a game of “chicken” when it comes to the blame game for the divorce to see what she can get away with

Codependent Sabotage

The process of beating someone down so you can be happier than them is part of codependent sabotage. The relationship is now stable at a deep personal cost to the husband. Since she has had so much practice on her husband at this point there is no stopping her into codependently sabotaging the lives of all of her children. Should they ever become estranged from her she can enter a victim stance on that account.

Even worse, now that the codependent sabotage is complete the marriage has undergone a lot of harm. The parasitic woman is unlikely to have the relational attention she wants so she has primed herself for further abuses. She has laid the groundwork to engage in affairs, sexual abuses out of the family or emotional incest or literal incest to get her wants met within the family.

She has also basically pushed her husband into the arms of another woman. Pushing the other partner away is a recognized pattern of behavior during emotional incest. A very perverse win-win for her. She has set up a double bind for her husband: A loveless marriage till death or adultery or divorce. If he wants any affection he has to cheat or divorce her to get it. She then tries to win the “blame game” for the divorce, ignoring perhaps decades of her parasitic behavior. If the court system works in her favor, it helps isolate the chosen child for more enmeshment.

Sexual Abuse

There is a wealth of research proposing women are underrepresented as sexual offenders in the legal system. My own experience working with both traumatized boys and under-prosecuted girls confirmes this for me. They have been for decades. Even more confounding is a lot of the assaults perpetrated by women fall short of categories like “forced to penetrate.” There is a wide range of behavior in between emotional incest and literal incest that is hard to capture in the research.

Women staff are over-represented in violations of the Prison Rape Elimination Act (PREA). They engage in a variety of abuses of the Act involving “abuse of power, trading in favors, offers of special privileges and protection, and offers of alcohol and drugs, which co-occurs with female staff sexual misconduct.”  (Staff Sexual Misconduct: Implications of PREA for Women Working in Corrections – Allen J. Beck, 2015 sagepub.com).  One of the leading events around female staff misconduct is personal relationship problems.

Recommendations Based off of Key Concepts & fundamental Frameworks

Birds of a Feather Flock together

When rating someone for psychopathy on the Hare Checklist someone either scores a 0, with the behavior not present, or a 1, mixed findings, or a 2, with the behavior clearly present.  Women that are mildly parasitic will defend these anti-social values and behaviors as a first line of defense of their own atrocious values and behaviors.  There are other large portions of the female population that think this behavior is wrong but fear the backlash of advocating for a less psychopathic version of femininity.

Recommendations for women

Intentionally separate yourself from the Flock.

Women wanting a stable marriage will guard who they engage with in person or via media.  They separate themselves from women that have parasitic values and behaviors and especially anyone that brags about winning arguments for the sake of winning arguments.  These women also avoid women or media that advocates for using sexuality as control.  They do not watch media that normalize conflict within a relationship and especially media that normalizes being upset that someone is happier than you.

This also means not watching media that normalizes envy or jealousy towards people that are successful in prudent ways.  Efforts to rebrand certain levels of successes as bad just because everyone can’t reach them is toxic.  There is always going to be a top 1 percent of any class (income, happiness, etc.) and hating them for being at the top even though they have not done anything abusive or neglectful means you are in the flock.

Recommendations for men

First, don’t consume trash media.  Second, avoid women that consume or produce trash media.  Third, avoid women that have friends that have not separated themselves from the flock. 4. Trust your gut if you think she is wearing a mask of sanity and create distance quickly

The Anger Thinking Error

The psychopathic person uses the Anger Thinking Error and has a lot off neurotic irritability other negative emotions that contribute to their struggles to control their emotions and anger in this way. Like the narcissist they wear their mask of sanity very well in shallow relationships but when faced who is beginning to know them their mask of sanity begins to slip.

Signs the mask of sanity is slipping

• Psychopaths become emotionally vicious they cannot control themselves when they are ask to stop being parasitic.  For example, to follow a budget and stop running up debt.
• They become dysregulated at the idea they are not the primary beneficiary of a relationship.
• They also create conflict very easily as a way to deal with their boredom.  The very fact that someone might be happier than them is all the excuse they need to target them.
• They can be extremely confrontational and aggressive characters, seemingly turning on a dime.
• They can be hyper-sensitive, and suddenly fly off the handle with little or no provocation.
• Psychopathic women will often “test the waters” to see just how physically or emotionally abusive they can be and will constantly seek to erode whatever boundaries they find. (they can’t help causing trouble).

The anger corrective targets this neurotic anger and helps people use the Emotional Intelligence personal skill of Emotional Regulation.  It is literally impossible to be an angry person and a emotionally intelligent person.

CORRECTIVE:  You must eliminate Anger, not just control it.   Remember that anger is never necessary to resolve a problem.  Find Thinking Errors that lead to anger and use their correctives.   Recognize the short and long term costs of anger.  Apply rational thinking and reasoning. Learn to accept that frustration (not getting want one wants) is common to everyone and does not have to lead automatically to anger.

Recommendation for Women

Use the corrective, obviously and do it without exception.  Every time and place you feel anger work on using the corrective. If you have to prioritize where to feel the least amount of anger go it first with your husband and children. Realize it is never ok to take your anger out one someone, it makes you look like a total psycho. You cannot use this thinking error without a robust self-awareness into your other thinking errors.

Recommendation for Men

Avoid angry women no longer how reasonable their excuse seems.  This is doubly true in your personal life. Lots of angry women look for excuses to be angry, causes to champion so they can take their anger out on someone. Eventually, out of convenience they will turn that anger on you.  As such, you should avoid anyone that is a part of outrage culture and most feminist.

The Sexuality Thinking Error

Sex is a fundamental part of human existence and a happiness gap there becomes another plaything. Women that want stable marriages are also going to want to make sure they don’t harm their relationships with the sexuality thinking error.

Recommendations for Women

Simply use the corrective. Very likely following the other four recommendations will make working on this recommendation much easier.

CORRECTIVE:  Eliminate power, control, conquest, and exploitation and replace with mutual, dignified, respectful, loyal, interpersonal relationships. Eliminate stereotypes and learn to view others as whole human beings instead of just a way to get what you want.  Consider feelings and rights of others in all interactions.  Develop sensitivity to needs of others.  Look for mutual fulfillment instead of exploitation and short-term excitement.

Recommendations for Men

Be sensitive to a woman that appears to use her sexuality in a parasitic way, even if it is just for attention. Look out for the woman that dress provocatively but then plays the victim when she gets extra attention. Small versions of this include women revel in having the upper hand in the dating scene and are dismissive to how exploitive dating can be for men.

Emotional Competency of Service Orientation

The Emotional Competencies of Emotional Intelligence are the competencies that help thrive in organizations so they can have successful careers.  A marriage is a relationship most people want to thrive in.  The social skill of service orientation is the exact opposite of a parasitic lifestyle.  Interestingly, most people are happier when they are doing good acts for others.

Recommendations For Women

Women wanting a thriving marriage will continually develop their service orientations skills within the marriage.  They can decide to be lazy and smart or hardworking and smart when it comes to service orientation.  Any gap in willingness to use their service orientation in a relationship versus their personal life is a sign of a lack of integrity. (get anchor).

Remember the 12:1 ratio for maintaining positive relationships and be excited to use that within your marriage.  Find ways to work on the altruism personality trait What Is Altruism? Definition, Types, and How to Cultivate It (verywellmind.com)

Recommendations For Men

Men, you obviously want a woman that is high in service orientation.  But you should make sure that they have this orientation towards their families above all else, and not their job.  The skills and lessons they learn working should make them better with their service orientation and not be an excuse to slack off.  The mask of sanity psychopathic women wear enjoys the game of trapping men and then slowly eroding their expectations and boundaries to see what they cannot get out of.  This is grooming you for future abuse and neglect.  Look for drops off in service orientation as she tries to take the relationship to the next level or if she gets less responsive after a personal success.  Those are black flags in a relationship.

And as always, don’t be a hypocrite.  Set the standard and work to improve your altruism within the relationship.

Increase Positive Emotions Generally

It stands to reason that perhaps one reason women are not happy in general is their personality traits for happiness are underdeveloped.  Basic personality theory understands there is a biological component to personality, but people can work on their own mindsets and adjust their personality with enough work.

Recommendations for Women

A central refrain for this blog is unilateral self-improvement.  Women can undertake by themselves actions that will make them feel more positive emotions more frequently with a little bit of effort.  It is hard to feel resentment at someone else’s happiness when you have worked on driving down your negative emotions while improving your negative emotions.

Part of this will mean removing any anti-social values and expectations you have that create a false sense of victimhood. Improving your dependability and integrity mean you have less reasons to feel a false sense of victimhood when you justly asked to improve.

Here are some recommendations for nurses to avoid burn out

Central among them are improving their ability feel positive emotions. If this works for nurses under their stress level it can work for everyday women.

• Noticing Positive Events: Take time to savor everyday positive moments, such as celebrating a patient reaching a milestone toward recovery or appreciating meaningful interactions.
• Capitalizing: Amplify and extend the impact of positive events to strengthen the connection between the event and the emotions. This skill could include telling a friend about the event, sharing it on social media or writing about it in a journal.
• Gratitude: Nurture a sense of thankfulness and express gratitude to others.
• Positive Reappraisal: Reframe the significance of negative or stressful events in a more positive way.
• Mindfulness: Pay attention, focus on the present moment, in a nonjudgmental fashion, such as through formal meditation or informal activities that incorporate mindfulness into everyday workplace activities.
• Personal Strengths: Recognize and appreciate one’s unique set of strengths, skills and talents, and acknowledge those of colleagues.
• Attainable Goals: Establish and pursue personal and team goals for a greater sense of control in a sometimes hectic and often unpredictable work environment.
• Self-Compassion: Be kind and understanding toward oneself and help create a workplace culture where personal experiences with errors and feelings of inadequacy are openly shared and addressed.
• Compassion Toward Others: Help colleagues with seemingly small gestures that provide emotional support and build an overall culture of collaboration and teamwork.

Recommendations for Men

If you ever find yourself having to lower your positive emotions when a woman is around because she becomes hostile, you may be dealing with a psychopathic woman.  The anger, the shallow affect, the parasitic attack on your happiness are all you need to see.  You cannot change her.  Any effort to change her will give her what she sees as a valid excuse to get even worse.  Protect yourself at all times and consider your options.  Destroying the relationship is a game to her. Extracting what she can from you is also a game to her. 

Simple Strategies to Increase Positive Emotion Skills – AACN

Closing Thoughts

A simple thought experiment often used in Moral Reasoning exercises is a simple role reversal.  I have laid out the situation where divorced women report that a perceived happiness gap was a leading reason they got divorced.

Do a simple role reversal. 

Imagine if divorced men reported the reason for their divorce was a happiness gap and it was because their wives were happier than they were.  It would be instantly clear to the women men should improve his own happiness rather than risking his children having a higher ACE score due to men’s inability to regulate their negative emotions.  A man attacking his wives happiness would clearly be seen as psychopathic.  A man even attempting to have a parasitic lifestyle is seen as way more psychopathic than a woman doing the same.

Many women initiate more divorce than men in large part because of their parasitic attitudes toward happiness.  These women need to be seen as accurately as they are.

Societal Recommendations

Society, and by that I mean the legal institutions like the courts and police departments and the social institutions like Office of Children’s Welfare need to start taking a serious look at women displaying parasitic behavior.  There is a lot of debate between sociopathic and psychopathic behavior but if a woman is displaying these behaviors courts should not treat those women as acting in good faith.

A legal system that is trauma informed is going to understand the traumatic behaviors of  parasitic or psychopathic women as much as it the understand parasitic or psychopathic behavior of men.  Unfortunately Birds of a Feather Flock together and many of these organizations are filled with neglectful and abusive women that lack the moral standing to be in a position of public trust and authority.  They are filled with women that use excessive amounts of daycare, or they cannot maintain a relationship with a good man due to their own parasitic inclinations and other anti-social values and behaviors. As such, caring and loving parents of both sexes cannot look to existing institutions for solutions.

Research Quotes

“In general, the higher the degree of caring, the narrower will be the range of conflict”[3]

“there is no reason to expect that the remaining happiness gap should affect the likelihood of divorce. In terms of empirical investigation, controlling for the variables that capture the gains to marriage and the value of exiting the marriage for each spouse, and the total happiness of the couple, there should thus be no statistical association between happiness gaps and divorce….. This paper tests this prediction. It finds that on the contrary, ceteris paribus, happiness gaps are robustly associated with a higher likelihood of a future separation.”

“the effect of happiness gaps is asymmetric. Happiness gaps are associated to future divorce only when they are unfavorable to women, but not to men.”

This is consistent with the idea that some divorces are initiated by women, not only because they are unhappy, but because they are less happy than their husband.

Women also more often than men declare that “it is all right for a couple with an unhappy marriage to get a divorce, even if there are children”, or that “marriage is an outdated institution”, and less often agree that “marriage is a lifetime relationship and should never be ended” (all these differences are statistically significant). This suggests that the new generation of German women do not exclude exit (rather than voice or loyalty) as a possible solution in case of marital conflict.

[1] (PDF) You Can’t Be Happier than Your Wife. Happiness Gaps and Divorce. (researchgate.net)

[2] Why you mustn’t be happier than your wife | Express Yourself | Comment | Express.co.uk

[3] ResearchGate

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Many women have been indoctrinated into believing providing the standard of care that newborns and toddlers need during their tender years is oppression. This has led to widespread anti-social values and anti-social behaviors at the hands of lots of women. Their values towards adult relationship and as mothers contribute to everyone else’s declining happiness. When the women end up sabotaging their own relationships their happiness declines as well.

Introducing Unused Tools: Adverse Childhood Experiences and Trauma informed Care?

I find it curious when I read articles about declining happiness that do no mention trauma informed care or adverse childhood experiences. The juvenile justice agency I work in made very concerted efforts to be recognized as “trauma informed.” I received extra training on Adverse Childhood Experiences and was a “TIC Champion” that helped review my unit’s policies and programing. Google trends show increasing search interest about Adverse Childhood Experiences and Trauma Informed Care so I know I am not the only one receiving this information.

Many of the questions to ACE survey are tied tightly to early maternal abuse and neglect. Why researchers have not spent more time and effort researching that connection is likewise beyond me. I wonder why so many organizations do not look at the quality of maternal care as being crucial to a child’s long-term happiness. We have known anecdotally for all of human history and researchers were getting descriptive statistics in the 1950s showing that the mother-child bond was crucial.

My worldview is, like many people, shaped by my upbringing and my work. My mother was abusive and neglectful. The teenagers I work with often have mothers well versed in co-dependent sabotage or are the main source of the juveniles ACE scores. Having Parents Seperated or Divorced is an item on the ACE Survey, just like being sexually assaulted or having a parent die. Where is discussion by government agencies to address broken homes?

Reduction In Negative Outcomes by Addressing ACES

The CDC estimated the reduction in negative outcomes if society addressed ACES. The image below shows the possible reductions in negative outcomes. The negative link between depression and happiness is obvious. We should assume that anything that improves health improves happiness.

Women’s abusive and neglectful behaviors do not occur in a vacuum. They occur because many women have deeply anti-social values and anti-social behaviors in their relationships with the father of their children and their children. All of the tools to address women’s widespread anti-social values and anti-social behaviors are already available. They just need to be applied to the problem.

The post Why Focus on Reducing Maternal Abuse and Neglect to Increase Happiness? appeared first on Against Maternal Abuse And Neglect.