Building Myself Up By Putting Others Down

The Abusive and Neglectful Woman takes the offensive by putting others down before she can be put down. She feels a sense of triumph over people when she can get away with bullying them. She can uses sarcasm, attempts to make others look ignorant, or accuse others of being worse than she is rather than change herself for the better.

Feeding Other What I think they want to hear (being two-faced)

The Abusive and Neglectful Woman is very attentive to how she appears to others; especially people in positions of power. She sizes them up and appears how she thinks will best benefit her efforts to gain power over them. She uses a variety of deceptive tactics to appear warm, agreeable and conscientious in public while she hides her true Abusive and Neglectful self from the public.

Feeding Others what I think they Ought to know (controlling the narrative)

The Abusive and Neglectful Woman reveals information when it is useful to her and usually has a secret agenda only she knows about. She makes a habit of being intentionally vague. If pressed on a important question she deflects with “Its personal”, “drop it” or “I can’t deal with this now.” She also deflects when she is caught keeping secrets, saying they were too unimportant to tell. She uses this tactic while she maintains various personas so almost no one knows her true self.

Lying

The Abusive and Neglectful Woman is cautious in any interaction where she may be held accountable. She understand the truth will work against her interest when trying to avoid a penalty, receive privileges, or gain anything she values in the moment. She knows how to use lies of omission, exaggeration, minimization or just the right amount of the truth. Sometimes the Abusive and Neglectful Woman will make a “mistake” by telling the truth. She will then deny that truth and “admit” to lying.

Vagueness

Everyone may use a qualifying phrase like “to a degree” or “Maybe” or “sort of” or “I assume” the Abusive and Neglectful Woman uses these terms to hide wronging and avoid important conversations. When the Abusive and Neglectful Woman cannot get out of a conversation she use generalizations upon generalization and empty words

Attempting to Confuse

The Abusive and Neglectful Woman often creates confusion where she goes. She changes the emotional tones while retelling events, misquotes and shifts emphasis with each retelling. These women resort to anger or sadness after they have been confronted by a less confusing version of events. When a listener questions an abusive and neglectful woman they blame shifts any uncertainty onto a different person or blame people for not paying close attention. Often, she tries to change the subject of conversation as a way of confusing the conversation. She tries to appear “honestly” frustrated when any confusion occurs.

She tries to appear “honestly” frustrated when any confusion occurs.  When the Abusive and Neglectful woman faces with someone with a clear recollection of events she resorts to manipulative displays of anger or sadness that she people don’t believe her.

Minimization

When called to account for a violation, rather than denying it totally, The Abusive and neglectful Woman minimize it. This may not be part of the lying pattern-because they tend to see an offense as less serious than others do. They minimize it even to themselves. However, when confronted, the attempt to minimize is clearly to save their own skin. They try to conceal the harm they am doing by deliberate understatement. Another tactic is to make “joke” of unhealthy plans and say that, because they did not act on they, they are not worth discussing.

Diversion

The Abusive and neglectful woman is a master of diversion. A favorite form is to bring up irrelevant material and interest others enjoy rather than discuss her unhealthy acts. This is particularly useful in settings people view discussion about almost anything as a sign of cooperation. If pressured to stick to the point, they use more subtle forms of diversion. These include spending too much time on a point and spend too much time on it, labeling something as a problem so they can describe it at length, distracting others from more important issues, or bringing up previously settled arguments or debates. Another diversion is to recount their qualities and good deeds. In some programs the facilitator tries to increase one’s self-esteem by emphasizing the good in them. This allows the Abusive and Neglectful Woman to divert from discussing unhealthy patterns that are so destructive.

Bringing up racism or sexism as an excuse is another way of diverting. Clearly, there has been bigotry and discrimination by various races and sexism, but racism and sexism are irrelevant to the issue at hand. They know this is a sensitive issue and that is why they raise it. They may take the offensive with charges of racism or sexism when they have failed to gain agreement on some point.

False Assent

This is saying yes without really meaning it. I may use this to cut short a discussion or gain points. By assenting, I can mislead others into I made progress but I do not apply or practice the concepts in my daily living. Agreeing to a point and following through with action are not the same thing. The only way to tell genuine from tactical agreement is to observe me over time. If the assent is a deliberate tactic to gain points, this will be evident when observing the behaviors over time.

Silence

The obvious purpose of silence is to gain secrecy. I may try to control a meeting by refusing to talk. They don’t want others intruding into their psyche. Silence is often a form of my anger when others try to reach me. Other than pure silence, I may use I don’t know, no comment, I forgot, Nothing happened, sighing, shrugging, etc… I will use my refusal to open up with others as a means of ignoring all outside input. When I interact with others outside of the group, I will use the groups lack of knowledge about me as an excuse to discredit everything they share. However, the reason the group has so little knowledge is because I refuse to be honest about my current state. When challenged in this arena, I may shift the blame to the other party, telling them you aren’t safe, or I didn’t feel comfortable, ignoring the fact that I am in this environment to deal with my destructive behaviors, and the other members and facilitators are there to help in that.

Selective Attention

I ignore everything unrelated to my goal. With a closed mind, I hear only what agrees to my thinking. The overriding tendency is to assume others think as I do. I project my thinking onto others.

Total Inattention

If I am uninterested in what is being said, I allow my physical presence and a few nods of the head to show I am receptive while I turn my attention to more exciting (usually unhealthy) ideas. If caught off guard by a question I may try to shift the burden to the other person. “You didn’t make that clear.”

Tardiness and Missed Appointments

When The Abusive and Neglectful woman begins to take part in a relationship she often go through a honeymoon period. As the newness wears off, competing desires arise or she realizes that changes require work and long-term effort. So she stops making change or growth a priority. At this point, she may arrive late, leave early, or not show up at all, usually offering phony excuses. She will skip a session if anything more exciting comes along. She may intentionally double booker herself with “legitimate” appointments to skip important meetings. When doing this she does not point out her role in scheduling the double booking her ability to reschedule, or the low priority of the appointment. She does this because she thinks that others will be unable to challenge her in this. Such behavior shows she want to continue a dysfunctional lifestyle and does not want any input in her life that might dissuade her from it.

Tactical Confession

Abusive and neglectful women want a confession be interpreted by others as an intention to be responsible. Nothing could be further from the truth. She think that reporting her violations makes them acceptable. This is clearly seen when she is appalled if someone expects her to face the consequences of a confessed violation. She may claim that She should be immune from all penalties for the harm she has caused because she was honest. However, the confession often is only a small part of the truth. She may confess small infractions to help conceal major infractions.

Misunderstanding

When the Abusive and Neglectful woman says “he understands me” she means “he agrees with me”. When confronted by her failure to perform responsibly, she often claims that there was a misunderstanding between herself and the other party. Even when they have clearly set a time, date, and place for a meeting, if she did not show up, she may claim there was a misunderstanding.

Generalizing to the Point of Absurdity

When others ask The Abusive and Neglectful Woman to engage in responsible behaviors that are not to her liking, she exaggerates the request to such proportions so that it is impossible to achieve and use this as an excuse to not try it, and thus not change.

Example: Someone may point out that because she lacks a sense of responsibility she could work on her integrity. She would then accuse the person of trying to make her a push over and a slave for the rest of her life. She responds to the strict requirements for responsibility by claiming such changes are impossible and all who partake in them are puritans or robots, etc.… This reflects her unhealthy view of what responsibility entails. However, it is also a calculated tactic to generalize a mentors philosophy to absurdity, thereby discrediting them and offering an excuse to avoid change.

Deliberate postponement

When the Abusive and Neglectful Woman has little intention of doing what is needed, she will deliberately put things off indefinitely. This means an ultimate refusal. “I’m not ready yet.” “I can’t do it overnight.” “I have to do things one at a time.” “Let me figure out some things first.” and other excuses buy time when she is actually refusing. She then blames others person for expecting too much instead of confronting her own lack of effort. Behind this is her doubt that she truly desires the life of a Caring and Loving Woman a different kind of life.

Putting others on the defensive; the tactic of attach

The Abuse and Neglectful woman is learning skills and concepts. Rather than improving herself she tries to assume the role of teacher and convert others to her point of view. She may become combative and attacks in a variety of ways. She may be hypercritical, sarcastic, abusive, etc.

Anger is the habitual way in which she tries to achieve control. She knows there is nothing to be gained from engaging in discussion with an angry, abusive person so she uses this as a way to avoid contact. In programs in which participants are encouraged to “vent” and “open up with their feelings”, she will use this as an opportunity to abusively attack others and verbally assault, claiming that this is a form of “dealing with her anger problem”.

This simply propagates her anger problem. It allows her to continue irresponsibility and disrespect for others, as well as attempting to gain power and control.

Claiming they have changed enough

 When the Abusive and Neglectful woman is bored, restless, or seeking excitement, she says “I have changed enough already.” Or “I can do the rest by myself.” She want to be a success without sustained effort. She claims she changed because she corrected a behavior one time, in one situation, after a lifetime of repeated unhealthy behavior. Overconfident, she will use this success as an excuse to act on impulses that are questionable. She does not consider the fact that she spent a lifetime of acting suggest she has a high chance of relapse into Abusive and Neglectful behaviors.

The post 19 Tactics to Avoid Change Abusive and Neglectful People Use appeared first on Against Maternal Abuse And Neglect.

1. People should avoid psychopathic and sociopathic behavior.
2. Society should work directly and energetically to oppose anti-social values and anti-social expectations that normalize psychopathic or sociopathic behavior.

This blog makes often mention of anti-social values or anti-social expectations. I cannot think of a better way to define anti-social values or expectations expect for those that lead to psychopathic or sociopathic behaviors.   There are some 20 items on most psychopathy checklists.  Sometimes researchers have developed shorter lists for efficiency or to target a specific population different instrument have been developed.   Research is neat.

The psychopathy checklist has been subjected to fancy statistical analysis that shows how closely items on the list are related together.  Again, research is neat.  Below is an example of one of those analysis that shows how different items clump together on four different factors. In theory, if you target one of those factors it will affect all other items in the category but not the other factors.  For example, if you have interventions for interpersonal factors and treat them you would still have to treat the other three factors of lifestyle, affective and anti-social.  So addressing anti-social expectations and values in woman requires a multi-pronged approach

The checklists show behaviors that people should avoided, minimized, or eliminate.  I go on repetitively about perverse incentives, moral hazard, the principal-agent problem and how that can lead to agency capture.  Why?  Because public institutions can be manipulated to bring about psychopathic or sociopathic behavior.

I have a lot of thoughts on this issue that I am going to develop over time I am going to use this article as a jumping off point for articles looking at anti-social values and expectations that tend to high risk predictors to ACES at the hands of a child’s mother.  As I write them I am going to update this page with links to the articles.  I have kept the section below the table of contents clean so people can copy and paste it as they see fit for their own use.

The psychopathy checklist is one of the blogs fundamental frameworks to understand behavior.  Other models for negative behavior are Thinking Errors and Tactics to Avoid Change.  Positive models are Emotional Intelligence, Marine Corps Leadership Principles and Marine Corps Traits.

Glibness/superficial charm

Psychopaths learn they have to pretend to be normal or adopt a “mask of sanity“. Many psychopaths can construct defend personas for defend groups of people.   Many psychopaths come across as charming and friendly at first, seemingly very personable and easy to get along with.

This can manifest in a number of ways:

• A superficial warmth, charm or charisma that can easily reel people in. The air can seem to buzz around them sometimes. Psychopaths can be charismatic.
• An ability to make it seem you have known them for years, even if they have only just met you.
• An ability to seem engaged and engaging, to seem interested and interesting.
• A smooth talking disposition. Psychopaths can hold court and be great story tellers. Many of these stories will seem outlandish and they will always paint them in a good light.
• Seemingly having great in depth knowledge on every single topic you can mention (Dig into this further though and you see they only ever have a great two sentence intro to any topic, and never any more than that).
• A brazen kind of confidence and brashness.
• A desire to constantly speak and be the center of attention (never shuts up).
• A lack of reflectiveness or introspection. Their life is a constant search for entertainment and stimulation with no deeper reflection.
• Extreme hedonism and aversion to suffering. 

Grandiose sense of self-worth

Here are some other ways this egocentricity and grandiosity may show itself in real world psychopaths:

• An obsession with status and importance in the workplace or wider life. An exaggerated sense of importance regarding their own life, history and status.
• A general sense that the world revolves around them and that the needs of others do not matter.
• A general pattern of looking out for number one, happily screwing over others to advance their own position in life.
• A rageful reaction whenever their status in questioned, challenged or undermined in any way. “How dare you!” would be the general catch-all way of describing their response.
• A dissatisfaction with being in the lower ranks in the workplace. A desire to smooch their way up the ladder by any means necessary and get more status and more power over more people.
• You may find this leaking out in comments here and there – “I was hoping for a bigger office than that” – before the psychopath catches themself, and puts the charming mask back up. The ego and entitlement will show up more often once they have some power and influence.

Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom

Here are some ways this relentless need for excitement can manifest in psychopaths:

• A relentless need to party, drink and do recreational drugs.
• A need to remain immersed in the “crowd”, in shallow human interactions, with no introspective or reflective abilities at all. A need for constant external stimulation.
• A relentless need for sex.
• Some psychopaths are drawn to dangerous sports to feel alive.
• Others are drawn to risky crime, again to get that “high” or rush.
• Psychopaths will often get bored quickly in relationships and cheat on their partners, again needing constantly new excitement and novelty. They drop people cold once they get bored with them.
• Non violent psychopaths are also driven to constantly provoke others and create conflict and drama in relationships in order to relieve their boredom and feel alive.

Pathological lying

Watch out for:

• You ask them the same question about their past two or three times and get a different answer each time.
• Look for a pattern of regular or increasing lying and deception. Everyone is prone to lying occasionally but the frequency and scale of lying will stand out with psychopaths.
• They talk about grandiose achievements in their past with no witnesses around to back their stories up.
• They talk about people from their past, particularly ex partners, in constantly negative terms, comparing you favorably to them. Again none of these people are around the speak for themselves.
• Different things they are telling you about their past aren’t “squaring up” or making sense. Something doesn’t seem right about the picture they are painting of their past. Again trust your intuiton on this.
• They quickly gloss over or change the subject about a specific area of their life or history.
• Watch for their response when actual or potential dishonesty is confronted or exposed. Blame shifting, projection and unreasonable denial are red flags.
• Gas-lighting – where they repeatedly try and deny your perception of reality and turn things on their head – is a huge red flag. If you find yourself exposing lies but leaving conversations feeling like you are the one in the wrong then you are likely dealing with a psychopath.
• They have a tendency for confusing answers or “word salad” nonsense when confronted on certain things.

Conning/manipulative

Here are just a few of endless different ways this can manifest:

• Lying in relationships about all details, small and large, from what they had for breakfast to where they were this afternoon, to their current or past finances, to whether they cheated on someone.
• Lying to law enforcement to get out of trouble.
• Lying on job applications and in interviews (often brazenly so, not just little white lies).
• Lying in the workplace to avoid punishment, or to smear others.
• A brazen two-facedness in the workplace – able to be warm and charming to person’s face and smear them behind their back literally seconds later.
• Lying about their past, either to cover up wrongdoing or to make themselves seem more important and successful than they are.
• Committing fraud in any context (financial, identity fraud, lying on forms etc).
• Lying by omission – a huge one in relationships and the workplace, where the psychopath misleads and deceives, not by what they say, but by what they don’t say, what they leave out. See our article on omission lying for more on this.

Lack of remorse or guilt

Here are some ways this can manifest:

• Using and manipulating human emotions like love and trust to build powerful but fake bonds and relationships with people, which they walk out of in an instant when they get bored, with no remorse for the damage this causes to the people who they leave.
• Emotionally manipulating and abusing people in relationships, causing damage that can take years for victims to fully recover from, purely for their own entertainment.
• Destroying the reputation and careers of others in the workplace, smearing and scheming against others all to advance their own position. See our article on the smear tactics they often use.
• Psychopathic managers can also often be brought in to “restructure” a company, firing people left, right and center without a second thought for the damage to their lives or families. Psychopaths are often brought in to do this precisely because they don’t have the same emotional hangups other people do.
• Constantly rationalizing and justifying all this behavior with any number of excuses: “I felt like it”, “Collateral damage”, “It’s just business”, “I got bored with them”, and so on.

Shallow affect

Emotional poverty

Limited range of feelings

Internal coldness despite gregarious behavior (Lonerism)

Psychopaths do not feel emotions as deeply as normal people. Though they are not completely unemotional, their emotions are so shallow that some clinicians have described them as mere “proto-emotions: primitive responses to immediate needs.”[37]

Psychopaths do not feel fear as deeply as normal people and do not manifest any of the normal physical responses to threatening stimuli. For instance, if a normal person were accosted in the street by a gun-wielding mugger, he might sweat, tremble, lose control of his bowels or vomit. A psychopath would feel no such sensations, and are often perplexed when they observe them in others.[38] Psychopaths’ lack of fear make them often reckless risk-takers. This is not to say they are oblivious to the potential consequences of their actions. Rather, the thought of pain and punishment does not provoke an emotional reaction in them and thus has a weak restraining effect.

Callous/lack of empathy

Here are some ways this lack of empathy can manifest in psychopaths:

• Lack of empathy can be developed by continually suppressing ones empathetic emotions to focus on one’s materialistic or status based goals.
• Some soldiers can become “psychopathized” by having to kill so often – they have been shut off from their own empathy, and no longer respect the humanity of others.
• In the later stages of a relationships, a psychopath or narcissist may seem strangely “tuned out” to the needs of other people. They will seem self centred and inconsiderate, though they often try to mask this early on.
• Psychopaths often ramp up their abuse in toxic relationships, destroying a person’s boundaries more and more, without stopping, because they cannot empathize with the person they are abusing.
• Psychopaths can scheme, connive and push others out of jobs for their own ends, without any remorse or feeling for the suffering caused by this.
• A good way of putting this general traits is “They have feelings, but they have no feelings for your feelings”

Parasitic lifestyle

• Refuses to get a job and lives off your earnings
• Won’t help around the house with chores
• Takes credit for doing household chores
• Has to be the centre of attention at all times
• They sulk for days if they don’t get their way
• You give in to their demands because it is easier
• They show no concern over your feelings
• An over-the-top reaction of aggression if you question their behaviour
• They have no qualms about suddenly ending the relationship and moving on
• You feel drained in their presence

How a parasitic approach to happiness leads to divorce

Poor behavioral controls

The psychopath struggles to control their behavior in this way. Here are some common consequences of this:

• Psychopaths often get into bar fights and other scuffles, because they cannot control themselves in the face of any conflict or provocation.
• They can be extremely confrontational and aggressive characters, seemingly turning on a dime.
• They can be hyper-sensitive, and suddenly fly off the handle with little or no provocation.
• Some psychopaths can brutally assault other people, and then very quickly return to normal as though nothing has happened.
• In the case of non violent psychopaths, this lack of control is often shifted into sexual impulsivity, or to the emotional abuse of others (they can’t help causing trouble).
• They also create conflict very easily. As well as being easily provoked, they also very often provoke others in order to get themselves “fired up” and deliver some excitement to their day.

Promiscuous sexual behavior[4]

The psychopath frequently engages in promiscuous sexual behavior or has many short-term marital relationships.

• Sex is never a mutually emotional experience (pillow princess)
• Motivated by power or reward
• Multiple partners at one time
• Adultery
• Great pride in sexual exploits
• Uses coercion
• Finding victims when they’re lonely, depressed, or emotionally lost.
• Disposing of sexual or romantic partners as if they’re unnecessary objects.

Early behavior problems

Other items on the checklist occurring before puberty.

• Lying
• Cheating
• Bullying
• firesetting

Lack of realistic long-term goals

Look out for

• nomadic lifestyle
• Shifting responsibilities for planning into other people
• Frustration when following a plan that success isn’t quick enough
• Resentment of responsibility/consistency in following plan
• Trying get out of planned  responsibilities
• Thinks they can continually get away with abusive and neglectful behaviors in a relationship.  If they can’t then the relationship is disposable.

Impulsivity

The results of this impulsivity can be damaging to others and sometimes very bizarre. Here are some examples:

• Does not plan out abuse or neglect, just does them.
• Inability to resist temptation, frustration and urges
• More generally, psychopaths tend to live a chaotic, day to day existence, not able to plan ahead in their lives and lying and manipulating their way out of any problems that do come up.
• They’ll often rationalize this impulsive lifestyle with cliches like “Live for the moment”, “Seize the day” etc etc.

Irresponsibility

Here are some ways this trait can manifest in psychopaths:

• A total lack of interest in fulfilling reasonable commitments or obligations.
• For example, collecting child support from psychopath fathers can be almost impossible.
• They will cheat on partners and abandon children without a second thought.
• Some psychopaths will readily neglect and abuse their children without any remorse or guilt, refusing to properly care for them or leaving them on their own for extended periods.
• Frequent unreliability, absences and breaking of rules at work. Often commit fraud and misuse company resources.
• When caught breaking rules or being irresponsible, will often produce seemingly heartfelt apologies of how they’ll “never do it again”, which are routinely broken.
• Psychopaths often run away from debts and/or have declared bankruptcy multiple times in their lives, which they often keep from their future partners.
• Will often knowingly infect those they sleep with with STIs.
• Will often use the resources of friends and family to get them out of trouble, borrowing money which is seldom paid back.
• When any financial problems do arise, instead of displaying some discipline to correct the problem, they will instead increase their irresponsible lifestyle and run from the problem even more, worsening it (extreme hedonism).

Failure to accept responsibility for own actions

• Low in conscientiousness
• Absence of a sense of duty
• Antagonistic manipulation
• Denial of responsibility
• Manipulate others through denial

Many short-term marital relationships

Or marriage like relationships.  When in relationships they do a lot of high risk behaviors for break up or estrangement

• Undependable
• unreliable

Juvenile delinquency

Engages in abusive and neglectful behavior prior to the age of 13Here are some things commonly found with Conduct Disorder in:

• Misbehavior and truancy at school.
• Lying even in childhood.
• Stealing
• Vandalism & starting fires.
• Cheating
• Violence towards other children early on.
• Violence and cruelty towards animals 

Revocation of conditional release

They have a lot of break ups and will get back together with someone, agreeing to get better.  When they do they begin anew the identified behaviors they promised to end.

Criminal versatility

• Commits a wide array of moral crimes, not necessarily legal crimes. 
• They are proud of the abuse and neglect they can get away with

Images

[1] https://www.researchgate.net/figure/PCL-R-Items-Classified-According-to-Factors-and-Facets-Hare-2003_tbl1_270886721

[2] I am indebted to the authors at https://psychopathsinlife.com/psychopath-checklist-traits/ due to what they have published on their cite.  Many of these bullet points for the 20 traits either come from their work or from hare’s summation in the image section.

[3] https://www.learning-mind.com/parasitic-lifestyle-psychopath-narcissist/#:~:text=So%20here%20are%2010%20signs%20you%20may%20be,show%20no%20concern%20over%20your%20feelings%20More%20items

[4] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201410/sex-and-the-psychopath#:~:text=The%20psychopath%20frequently%20engages%20in%20promiscuous%20sexual%20behavior,was%20linked%20to%20more%20promiscuity%20and%20less%20commitment.

The post How To Avoid 20 Sociopathic & Psychopathic Behaviors to Be a Caring and Loving Person appeared first on Against Maternal Abuse And Neglect.

Leaders are not born: they are made.  This work assumes that parents lead the family and handle their children’s development just like a sergeant is responsible for the development of his Marines.  Below is the fourteen Marine Corps Leadership Traits as they occur in the original.  I have added them into the glossary as being modified for parents.  These traits can guide parents in their self-improvement as leaders of their families. As I develop blog posts focused on each trait, I will update this page with the top articles for review.

These complement the Marine Corps Leadership Principles and are used to supplement our articles on Emotional Intelligence. Another major focus of the blog will be considering the Thinking Errors & Tactics to Avoid Change that stop people from developing their leadership traits.

The acronym to recall the traits is: JJ DID TIE BUCKLE

Justice

Definition: Justice is defined as the practice of being fair and consistent. A just person gives consideration to each side of a situation and bases rewards or punishments on merit.

Suggestions for Improvement: Be honest with yourself about why you make a particular decision. Avoid favoritism. Try to be fair at all times and treat all things and people in an equal manner.

Judgement

Definition: Judgment is your ability to think about things clearly, calmly, and in an orderly fashion so that you can make good decisions.

Suggestions for Improvement: You can improve your judgment if you avoid making rash decisions. Approach problems with a common sense attitude.

Dependability

Definition: Dependability means that you can be relied upon to perform your duties properly. It means that you can be trusted to complete a job. It is the willing and voluntary support of the policies and orders of the chain of command. Dependability also means consistently putting forth your best effort in an attempt to achieve the highest standards of performance.

Suggestions for Improvement You can increase your dependability by forming the habit of being where you’re supposed to be on time, by not making excuses and by carrying out every task to the best of your ability regardless of whether you like it or agree with it.

Initiative

Definition: Initiative is taking action even though you haven’t been given orders. It means meeting new and unexpected situations with prompt action. It includes using resourcefulness to get something done without the normal material or methods being available to you.

Suggestions for Improvement: To improve your initiative, work on staying mentally and physically alert. Be aware of things that need to be done and then to do them without having to be told.

Decisiveness

Definition: Decisiveness means that you are able to make good decisions without delay. Get all the facts and weight them against each other. By acting calmly and quickly, you should arrive at a sound decision. You announce your decisions in a clear, firm, professional manner.

Suggestions for Improvement: Practice being positive in your actions instead of acting half-heartedly or changing your mind on an issue.

Tact

Definition: Tact means that you can deal with people in a manner that will maintain good relations and avoid problems. It means that you are polite, calm, and firm.

Suggestions for Improvement: Begin to develop your tact by trying to be courteous and cheerful at all times. Treat others as you would like to be treated.

Integrity

Definition: Integrity means that you are honest and truthful in what you say or do. You put honesty, sense of duty, and sound moral principles above all else.

Suggestions for Improvement: Be absolutely honest and truthful at all times. Stand up for what you believe to be right.

Enthusiasm

Definition: Enthusiasm is defined as a sincere interest and exuberance in the performance of your duties. If you are enthusiastic, you are optimistic, cheerful, and willing to accept the challenges.

Suggestions for Improvement: Understanding and belief in your mission will add to your enthusiasm for your job. Try to understand why even uninteresting jobs must be done.

Bearing

Definition: Bearing is the way you conduct and carry yourself. Your manner should reflect alertness, competence, confidence, and control.

Suggestions for Improvement: To develop bearing, you should hold yourself to the highest standards of personal conduct. Never be content with meeting only the minimum requirements.

Unselfishness

Definition: Unselfishness means that you avoid making yourself comfortable at the expense of others. Be considerate of others. Give credit to those who deserve it.

Suggestions for Improvement: Avoid using your position or rank for personal gain, safety, or pleasure at the expensive of others. Be considerate of others.

Courage

Definition: Courage is what allows you to remain calm while recognizing fear. Moral courage means having the inner strength to stand up for what is right and to accept blame when something is your fault. Physical courage means that you can continue to function effectively when there is physical danger present.

Suggestions for Improvement: You can begin to control fear by practicing self-discipline and calmness. If you fear doing certain things required in your daily life, force yourself to do them until you can control your reaction.

Knowledge

Definition: Knowledge is the understanding of a science or art. Knowledge means that you have acquired information and that you understand people. Your knowledge should be broad, and in addition to knowing your job, you should know your unit’s policies and keep up with current events.

Suggestions for Improvement: Suggestions for Improvement: Increase your knowledge by remaining alert. Listen, observe, and find out about things you don’t understand. Study field manuals and other military literature.

Loyalty

Definition: Loyalty means that you are devoted to your country, the Corps, and to your seniors, peers, and subordinates. The motto of our Corps is Semper Fidelis!, (Always Faithful). You owe unwavering loyalty up and down the chain of command, to seniors, subordinates, and peers.

Suggestions for Improvement: To improve your loyalty you should show your loyalty by never discussing the problems of the Marine Corps or your unit with outsiders. Never talk about seniors unfavorably in front of your subordinates. Once a decision is made and the order is given to execute it, carry out that order willingly as if it were your own.

Endurance

Definition: Endurance is the mental and physical stamina that is measured by your ability to withstand pain, fatigue, stress, and hardship. For example, enduring pain during a conditioning march in order to improve stamina is crucial in the development of leadership.

Suggestions for Improvement: Develop your endurance by engaging in physical training that will strengthen your body. Finish every task to the best of your ability by forcing yourself to continue when you are physically tired and your mind is sluggish.

The post United States Marine Corps Leadership Traits: How to use the 14 traits for Parenting appeared first on Against Maternal Abuse And Neglect.

Leaders are not born: they are made.  This work assumes that parents lead the family and handle their children’s development just like a sergeant is responsible for the development of his Marines.  In order to lead a family parents need some idea of what they should prioritize.  A lot of these principles seem obvious but a casual evaluation of modern parenthood, and especially motherhood, show that is not the case. The Marine Corps Leadership Principles can fill the gap to help parents be more caring and loving.

The Marine Corps Leadership Principles supplement the Emotional Intelligence Framework. They help us know according to the Hammerstein-Equord Leadership Model what a smart person focus on.

Below are the Marine Corps Leadership Principles in the original, I just have modified the formatting for readability.  I have modified the glossary to make them targeted on parenthood.  As I develop articles applying these concepts I am going to update this page with top articles for review.

Know Yourself and Seek Self Improvement

 This principle of leadership should be developed by the use of leadership traits. Evaluate yourself by using the leadership traits and determine your strengths and weaknesses. – You can improve yourself in many ways.

To develop the techniques of this principle:

• Make an honest evaluation of yourself to determine your strong and weak personal qualities
• Seek the honest opinions of your friends or superiors
• Learn by studying the causes for the success and failures of others
• Develop a genuine interest in people
• Master the art of effective writing and speech – Have a definite plan to achieve your goal

Be Technically And Tactically Proficient

A person who knows their job thoroughly and possesses a wide field of knowledge. Before you can lead, you must be able to do the job. Tactical and technical competence can be learned from books and from on the job training.

To develop this leadership principle of being technically and tactically proficient, you should:

• Know what is expected of you then expend time and energy on becoming proficient at those things – Form an attitude early on of seeking to learn more than is necessary
• Observe and study the actions of capable leaders
• Spend time with those people who are recognized as technically and tactically proficient at those things
• Prepare yourself for the job of the leader at the next higher rank – Seek feedback from superiors, peers and subordinates

Know Your People And Look Out For Their Welfare –

 This is one of the most important of the leadership principles. A leader must make a conscientious effort to observe his Marines and how they react to different situations. A Marine who is nervous and lacks self-confidence should never be put in a situation where an important decision must be made. This knowledge will enable you as the leader to determine when close supervision is required.

To put this principle in to practice successfully you should: –

• Put your Marines welfare before you own 
• Be approachable
• Encourage individual development
• Know your unit’s mental attitude; keep in touch with their thoughts
• Ensure fair and equal distribution of rewards
• Provide sufficient recreational time and insist on participation

Keep Your Personnel Informed

Marines by nature are inquisitive. To promote efficiency and morale, a leader should inform the Marines in his unit of all happenings and give reasons why things are to be done. This is accomplished only if time and security permits. Informing your Marines of the situation makes them feel that they are a part of the team and not just a cog in a wheel. Informed Marines perform better.  The key to giving out information is to be sure that the Marines have enough information to do their job intelligently and to inspire their initiative, enthusiasm, loyalty, and convictions .

Techniques to apply this principle are:

• Whenever possible, explain why tasks must be done and the plan to accomplish a task
• Be alert to detect the spread of rumors. Stop rumors by replacing them with the truth
• Build morale and espirit de corps by publicizing information concerning successes of your unit
• Keep your unit informed about current legislation and regulations affecting their pay, promotion, privileges, and other benefits

Set The Example  

A leader who shows professional competence, courage and integrity sets high personal standards for himself before he can rightfully demand it from others. Your appearance, attitude, physical fitness and personal example are all on display daily for the Marines and Sailors in your unit. Remember, your Marines and Sailors reflect your image!

Techniques for setting the example are to:

• Show your subordinates that you are willing to do the same things you ask them to do
• Maintain an optimistic outlook
• Conduct yourself so that your personal habits are not open to criticism
• Avoid showing favoritism to any subordinate
• Delegate authority and avoid over supervision, in order to develop leadership among subordinates
• Leadership is taught by example

Ensure That The Task Is Understood, Supervised, and Accomplished

Leaders must give clear, concise orders that cannot be misunderstood, and then by close supervision, ensure that these orders are properly executed. Before you can expect your men to perform, they must know what is expected of them. – The most important part of this principle is the accomplishment of the mission.

In order to develop this principle you should:

• -Issue every order as if it were your own
• Use the established chain of command
• Encourage subordinates to ask questions concerning any point in your orders or directives they do not understand
• Question subordinates to determine if there is any doubt or misunderstanding in regard to the task to be accomplished
• Supervise the execution of your orders – Exercise care and thought in supervision; over supervision will hurt initiative and create resentment, while under supervision will not get the job done

Train Your Marines And Sailors As A Team

Teamwork is the key to successful operations. Teamwork is essential from the smallest unit to the entire Marine Corps. As a leader, you must insist on teamwork from your Marines. Train, play and operate as a team. Be sure that each Marine knows his/her position and responsibilities within the team framework.

To develop the techniques of this principle you should:

• Stay sharp by continuously studying and training
• Encourage unit participation in recreational and military events
• Do not publicly blame an individual for the team’s failure or praise just an individual for the team’s success – Ensure that training is meaningful, and that the purpose is clear to all members of the command
• Train your team based on realistic conditions
• Insist that every person understands the functions of the other members of the team and the function of the team as part of the unit

Make Sound And Timely Decisions

 – The leader must be able to rapidly estimate a situation and make a sound decision based on that estimation. Hesitation or a reluctance to make a decision leads subordinates to lose confidence in your abilities as a leader. Loss of confidence in turn creates confusion and hesitation within the unit.

Techniques to develop this principle include:

• Developing a logical and orderly thought process by practicing objective estimates of the situation
• When time and situation permit planning for every possible event that can reasonably be foreseen
• Considering the advice and suggestions of your subordinates before making decisions
• Considering the effects of your decisions on all members of your unit

Develop A Sense Of Responsibility Among Your Subordinates

 Another way to show your Marines you are interested in their welfare is to give them the opportunity for professional development. Assigning tasks and delegating authority promotes mutual confidence and respect between leader and subordinates. It also encourages subordinates to exercise initiative and to give wholehearted cooperation in accomplishment of unit tasks. When you properly delegate authority, you demonstrate faith in your Marines and increase authority, and increase their desire for greater responsibilities.

To develop this principle you should:

• Operate through the chain of command – Provide clear, well thought out directions
• Give your subordinates frequent opportunities to perform duties normally performed by senior personnel
• Be quick to recognize your subordinates’ accomplishments when they demonstrate initiative and resourcefulness
• Correct errors in judgment and initiative in a way which will encourage the individual to try harder
• Give advice and assistance freely when your subordinates request it
• Resist the urge to micro manage
• Be prompt and fair in backing subordinates
• Accept responsibility willingly and insist that your subordinates live by the same standard

Employ Your Command Within its Capabilities

 A leader must have a thorough knowledge of the tactical and technical capabilities of the command. Successful completion of a task depends upon how well you know your unit’s capabilities. If the task assigned is one that your unit has not been trained to do, failure is very likely to occur. Failures lower your unit’s morale and self esteem. Seek out challenging tasks for your unit, but be sure that your unit is prepared for and has the ability to successfully complete the mission

Techniques for development of this principle are to:

• Avoid volunteering your unit for tasks that are beyond their capabilities
• Be sure that tasks assigned to subordinates are reasonable
• Assign tasks equally among your subordinates –
• Use the full capabilities of your unit before requesting assistance

Seek Responsibilities And Take Responsibility

For professional development, you must actively seek out challenging assignments. You must use initiative and sound judgment when trying to accomplish jobs that are required by your grade. Seeking responsibilities also means that you take responsibility for your actions. Regardless of the actions of your subordinates, the responsibility for decisions and their application falls on you.

• Techniques in developing this principle are to:
• Learn the duties of your immediate senior, and be prepared to accept the responsibilities of these duties
• Seek a variety of leadership positions that will give you experience in accepting responsibility in different fields
• Take every opportunity that offers increased responsibility –
• Perform every task, no matter whether it is top secret or seemingly trivial, to the best of your ability
• Stand up for what you think is right. Have courage in your convictions
• Carefully evaluate a subordinate’s failure before taking action against that subordinate
• In the absence of orders, take the initiative to perform the actions you believe your senior would direct you to perform if present

The post Marine Corps Leadership Principles: Being a Caring and Loving Parent appeared first on Against Maternal Abuse And Neglect.

Thinking Errors and Correctives is one of the major frameworks this blog will use to dissect abusive and neglectful women’s thoughts and behaviors.  A lot of anti-social values are tied up into institutionalized patterns of thinking and they become really easy for regenerate people to understand and refute with the right vocabulary.

Thinking errors (aka distorted thought patterns) are the thoughts that make someone abusive or neglectful to themselves or others.  Each thinking error comes with an attendant corrective.  Thinking Errors and correctives make up the foundations of cognitive based treatment.  People will get the most benefit from this information by using it to improve their own thinking and behavior rather than using it to try and “fix” others. 

Very often, people with a lot of thinking errors do not realize when they are getting the consequences of their abusive and neglect behavior and lack of integrity.  When they improve their behavior by improving their thinking, they stop getting that painful feedback.  Likewise, as their behavior and integrity improve, they reap the benefits.

Whether it be an assault cycle, a neglect cycle, or a substance abuse relapse, thinking errors are foundational to understanding any relapse cycle. Using the correctives is vital to overcoming the Tactics to Avoid Change.  Overcoming the Tactics to Avoid Change is of primary concern for people that want to truly improve their emotional intelligence and leadership abilities.  In the terms of Hammerstein-Equord Leadership Model, using the Thinking Errors is stupid and using the correctives is smart.

Thinking Errors dovetail very well with tactics to avoid change. Those are collections of thinking errors that stop us from self-improvement. This blogs self-improvement recommendations are based on the emotional intelligence framework as well as the Marine Corps Leadership Traits and the Marine Corps Leadership Principles.

As the blog develops, I will write articles using each thinking error and place a link in each section. I used Yoast to make the thinking errors text SEO and readable for anyone that wants to steal the content for their site.

ENERGY

You are extremely energetic; want action, want to move when bored, and you have lots of ideas at what would make life more exciting.  You don’t know how to cope with boredom.

CORRECTIVE:  Redistribute your energy and fill all responsibilities first.  Apply effort to overcome boredom (anger + self-pity = fatigue).   Develop self-generated enthusiasm for healthy activities.

FEAR

Your fears are widespread, persistent, and intense, especially fear of being caught for something you did, fear of injury or death, and fear of being put down

CORRECTIVE:  Learn to use fear constructively as a guide for responsible living.   Fear stops you from injuring yourself and is a way to improve yourself.

ZERO STATE

You often feel like absolute nothing, a zero, feel absolute worthlessness, along with feeling hopelessness, and that nothing matters in the end. Your greatest fear is that you are a nothing and you compensate by attempting to prove you are everything.

CORRECTIVE:  Learn to see yourself as others do.  Lower your unrealistic expectations.  Continue to make rational decisions with a focus on the long term.  Learn to have faith that feelings of worthlessness are temporary.

ANGER

To work with you is like a war against anger.  You respond with anger to anything or anyone you use as opposing what you want for yourself.  Anger is a major way of controlling people and situations.

CORRECTIVE:  Anger must be eliminated; not just controlled.   Remember that anger is never necessary to resolve a problem.  Find Thinking Errors that lead to anger and use their correctives.   Recognize the short and long term costs of anger.  Apply rational thinking and reasoning. Learn to accept that frustration (not getting want one wants) is common to everyone and does not have to lead automatically to anger.

CRIMINAL PRIDE

Criminal Pride is having pride in one criminal’s acts.  Also, you think you are better than anyone else, even when this is clearly not the case. Criminal Pride preserves your rigid self-image as a powerful, totally self-determined person.   “If I bend, I break,” sums up the thinking of risking everything for a small issue.  Threats of consequences may mean nothing to you when you see yourself as having to choose between compromising (backing down) or maintaining your Criminal Pride. 

CORRECTIVE:  Revise definitions of adulthood or success.   See others’ points of view. Revise your self-image based on realistic accomplishments.  Develop trust and respect for other people’s rights.   Consider the effects of injuries on others.

POWER THRUSTING

You need power and control over others; especially to bring yourself out of a zero state.  You spend your life seeking power over others instead improving yourself.   Your greatest power and excitement is doing the forbidden and getting away with it.   You seek power, control, and dominance in all areas of your life.

CORRECTIVE:  Learn to put yourself in others’ place.  Know what you are doing and why.  Reduce pretensions.   Apply control to yourself instead of others.   Work towards legitimately acquire authority to benefit others. Learn to tolerate feeling bad and work through it with realistic expectations

SENTIMENTALITY

You may express a lot of sentimentality about mothers, old people, the weak, babies, animals, etc., but the sentiments are not backed up by responsible and caring behavior.  The people you “love” are often those you hurt most, and are often the people who are easiest for you to control and dominate.

CORRECTIVE:  Keep your commitments to those you say you care about instead of isolating (fragmenting) them.  Practice enduring care for others and show it by serving others.  Learn the difference substantial concern not just wishing someone well.

RELIGION

You may be very active in religion but are isolated on the inside —you don’t practice its principles in your daily behavior.  Like sentimentality, your religious beliefs do not stop you from Criminal Thinking actions. Your beliefs support your self-image as a “good and decent” person if you feel guilty in the moment, (but not enough to change).

CORRECTIVE:  Practice your religion in every day behaviors.  Do a daily moral inventory and use religious or spiritual beliefs to realistically judge yourself instead of others.  Recognize that church attendance and words do not make a person good; good actions are necessary.

CONCRETE THINKING

You focus on particular objects and events and don’t understand abstract principles or see larger patterns or general concepts.  Often, you miss the point of important conversations.  Not understanding deeper meanings to words; you misuse them. Terms like “love”, “friendship”, “trust”, etc. are beyond your understanding.  You pay attention to the surface appearance without looking for deeper meanings.    You use words like “love” and friendship” to get what you want without having to give back.

CORRECTIVE:  Learn to think conceptually.  Develop concepts of family life, money, morality, etc.  Learn to see the “big picture” instead of isolated events. For example, there are not ‘friends’ and ‘true friends’.  Look for the overall meaning or message in situations instead of just the detail alone.  Apply inner principles to thoughts and actions. 

FRAGMENTATION

xtreme changes in your mental state occur within short periods of time.  There is a pattern of starting something then changing your mind.  You go with whatever you’re thinking about at the moment, “forgetting” anything that might go against your current plan.   Fragmentation is used to ignore your sentimentality and religion when they don’t fit with current desires or plans.

CORRECTIVE:  Set values that can guide your whole life.  Stop and check out your current plans against higher principles before acting.  Integrate thoughts, words, and actions.  Learn to weigh out conflicts instead of dismissing facts.

UNIQUENESS

You consider yourself to be special, one-of-a-kind, and totally different from others, especially other criminals.  Although in reality you may be very predictable and very much like other criminals, you want to be “above” the rest and stress your “unique” set of circumstances.

CORRECTIVE: In group, find similarities with others.  When pointing out others’ problems or errors, follow up by examining how this relates to yourself also.  Observe ordinary (non-criminal) people solving life problems and apply to yourself.

PERFECTIONISM

You have extreme standards of perfection but do not apply them consistently.  You may apply your high standards to others to tear them down when they fall short of what you think is important.  Your perfectionism depends on what you value in the moment. You also use perfectionism to avoid a difficult task because you might not succeed perfectly.

CORRECTIVE:  Use high standards for self-improvement, but don’t improve yourself just to prove yourself to be better than everyone else. Try and be the best version “you” that you can be. Learn proper balance and proportion.  Check out standards to see if they are realistic.  Learn tolerance of others.

SUGGESTIBILITY

You are easily swayed toward any behavior you like, especially when you are bored and looking for action or excitement.  In order to get something, you want you may take huge risks with behavior.  You are not “suggestible” to responsible thinking and behavior and do not look towards responsible people for role models.  You do not want to be boring like them.

CORRECTIVE:  Change the direction of suggestibility away from crime and towards responsible conversation, legitimate success, entertainment, and peers.

LONERISM

You lead a secretive life: one against the world.  You feel you are apart from others even if you’re socially active.  Although you voice sentimentality, you are never so tight with anyone that you can’t get up and go on a moment’s notice if something more exciting comes along.  You are willing to jeopardize relationships by committing crimes and going to prison, etc.

CORRECTIVE:  Learn to become an active, complete part of a social groups or family. Learn the meaning of interdependence, making and keeping commitments, opening up and tolerating vulnerability.  Learn the meaning of intimacy and apply effort to overcome fears.

SEXUALITY

For you, sex or your sexuality is another way of gaining power over people.  Your sexuality is motivated by wanting to bend someone to your will or to obtain something you want. Getting what you want is essential and your “partner” is a merely a means to get what you want, be it status, money, drugs or physical things you value.  The rush of sexual attraction becomes its own addiction.

CORRECTIVE:  Eliminate power, control, conquest, and exploitation and replace with mutual, dignified, respectful, loyal, interpersonal relationships. Eliminate stereotypes and learn to view others as whole human beings instead of just a way to get what you want.  Consider feelings and rights of others in all interactions.  Develop sensitivity to needs of others.  Look for mutual fulfillment instead of exploitation and short-term excitement.

LYING

Lying is a way of life for you.  It’s another way to gain power and to save you from consequences.  More common than planned-out lying is automatic and habitual lying.  You lie by omitting important facts or distorting them.  Lying defines your reality and helps you maintain control by keeping control of information.  You know the best lies contain just enough truth to be believable.

CORRECTIVE:  Stick to facts. Imagine that a situation was videotaped and compare your version to one the viewer would see if she had access to the whole picture.  Learn to accept consequences as part of life and practice telling the truth even when it will put you in an unfavorable light or lead to negative consequences.  Establish honesty as a consistent value, not something to be thrown away when inconvenient.

CLOSED CHANNEL

You don’t give out information about yourself.  Secrecy = power. You have a closed mind and do not take in messages that contradict your way of thinking.  You are not receptive to challenges to your point of view, you ignore what you don’t want to hear.

CORRECTIVE:  Develop a wide-open channel of two-way communication.  Ask for self-criticism.  Look for help to correct thinking errors.   Be honest about inner thoughts and actions and ask for feedback, responses—then listen to them with an open mind.    Eliminate secrecy as a way of life.

 “I CAN’T”

The passive aggressive thinking erro.: You say “I can’t” when you mean, “I won’t,” when you are not willing to do something and do not want open and honest about your refusal.  You use this to escape responsibility, but at the same time you believe there is nothing you can’t do if you want to.

Recognize that this is really a statement of refusal rather than inability.  Remind yourself of willingness to go out of your way to get things you want, and apply this willingness to required tasks.   Implement free choice “I can” and “I do.”

VICTIM STANCE

When you are held accountable for your actions, you blame others and portray yourself as a victim.  Having no regard for the rights of others, you demand total respect for your rights and desires.  If you do get what you want, you see yourself as a poorly treated victim but you refuse to see that you have victimized others.  Importantly:  A criminal who refuses to give up the Victim Stance will not change.  According to Samenow and Yochelson (the original creators of Thinking Errors) this particular thinking error is the single best predictor regarding the change process.

CORRECTIVE:  Learn the difference between being held accountable for one’s own actions (receiving consequences) and being a victim (harmed or having rights violated with no control or choice in the matter).  Take responsibility for your decisions and actions.

LACK OF TIME PERSPECTIVE

You demand immediate success and ownership of what you want—and you want everything now.  You don’t use the past to learn from your mistakes, nor do you learn to make realistic plans for your future. 

CORRECTIVE:  Stop making the same mistakes over and over again. Get a realistic perspective of time by developing patience and delaying gratification.  Plan realistic goals and practice working slowly and steadily toward them.

FAILURE TO PUT ONESELF IN ANOTHER’S POSITION

The Lack of Empathy Thinking Error.  While you demand every break and consideration for yourself you don’t stop to think about what other people think, feel, or expect.  You may not only disregard another person’s point of view; you may even ignore another person exists when planning to get your way.  You don’t recognize how many people are affected by your actions, or how each is affected.

CORRECTIVE:  Stop and list all people possibly affected by an action before acting.   Imagine being in another person’s place, and then review the situation from their perspective.  Recognize that others’ rights and feelings are as important as your own. Develop empathy – the ability to actually feel what another is feeling by putting yourself in their situation mentally.  Practice being considerate and helpful to others.

FAILURE TO CONSIDER INJURY TO OTHERS

our life has caused a lot of injury to those around you, but you don’t view yourself as hurting others.  When held accountable you see yourself as the injured party.  You can witness tears, physical and verbal pain and even physical symptoms of injury and still deny that you have hurt someone.

CORRECTIVE: Develop empathy and sensistivity to the feelings of others.  Consider impact on all people.  Inventory the cost of your actions to others.  Develop and experience self-disgust for injuring others.

FAILURE TO ASSUME OBLIGATION

You have no sense of real obligation and use any excuse to not meet your obligations.  Obligations get in the way with what you want to do.  Being obligated to another person is to be seen as weaker or lesser than them.  Obligations are irritating to you and, if pushed, you will respond with resentment and anger.

CORRECTIVE:  Make a commitment to fulfill obligations—to do work, pay bills, obey laws, and develop moral sense inside self.  Recognize that everyone has obligations.  Carry out obligations to others, as you would want others’ to honor their obligations to you.

DEFERMENT

You are going to stop hurting other people and you’re going to do your hardest work—tomorrow.   But today you can’t.  You think that one day in the future it will be easier to change but that day never comes.

CORRECTIVE:  Learn to see things in stages.  Learn from the past.  Recognize that there are three options:

1. Continue to live without changing and continuing to hurt yourself or others;
2. CHANGE with no more half measures; 
3. Die.

Set responsible, realistic goals daily and carry out work required.  Do it now.  Eliminate excuses and “I can’t” attitude.

FAILURE TO ASSUME RESPONSIBLE INITIATIVES

You don’t want to assume responsible initiatives (planning and starting projects) because:

1. You don’t get the same rush as when you do forbidden activities.
2. You are not guaranteed success or attention.
3. You are often afraid that taking on responsibilities will expose your lack of knowledge or ability.

You are a get-by artist, expecting others to figure out everything that needs to be done, tell you how, and make it easy for you to accomplish.

CORRECTIVE:  Learn to create your own plans and jobs to help improve yourself or help others.  Remember motivation develops only after an initiative is taken.  Learn by doing.  Actively look for ways to improve yourself and situations then act on a responsible plan.

OWNERSHIP

You don’t really recognize that there is such a thing as “theft. You don’t recognize that other people own things. If you are looking at it and want it, it’s yours (including human beings). Considering yourself a decent person, you have the right to have anything that suits you—you “deserve” to have it.  You see people as pawns or checkers waiting to be dealt with as you wish.  You justify to yourself taking something from someone by saying they don’t need it as much as you do, they don’t deserve it, and they don’t care if I have it.

CORRECTIVE:  Earn everything you own through honest work. Learn to accept that you cannot have everything you want.  Respect the boundaries of others.  Refuse to excuse taking things by analyzing how or why someone else got them.

FEAR OF FEAR

You are afraid that fear will keep you from doing things.  Fear is your enemy and you are angry about it.  Sometimes you use drugs or alcohol to eliminate fear.  When you see fear in others you point it out, scorn it, and are ready to pounce. 

CORRECTIVE:  Use fear smartly and recognize its value as a guide to reconsider plans.  Discuss fears with others and see if a fear needs to be faced and overcome or if it is rational and needs to be obeyed.  Abstain from drugs or alcohol when making decisions or doing thing that may hurt yourself or others.  Recognize that fear of failure keeps you on your toes to make a good effort.  Develop empathy for fear in others.  Recognize doubt, concern, apprehension, and anxiety as helpful and normal.

LACK OF TRUST (Criminal Trust)

Trusting someone is a show of weakness to you. Although you refuse to trust others you demand that they trust you, even though your behavior clearly shows you are not trustworthy.  You believe in a ‘criminal’ trust, meaning that someone will back you up in a crime or keep silent when questioned.  “Trusting God” means that if you pray at the right time God will get you out of a tough spot.  You rely on power for control, not trust.  Your favorite victims are those who are most trusting, those you ha e manipulated to believe you have their best interests at heart while you actually exploit their trust.

CORRECTIVE:  Earn trust by responsible behavior over time, pay attention to how people treat you and others.  Recognize that trusting requires strength and ability to take risks, not weakness.  Recognize the harm to society that criminal trust causes.

REFUSAL TO BE [SEEN AS] DEPENDENT

Like anyone else, you have received help from others for some things in life.  But you don’t see yourself this way because to you dependence is weakness and that makes you vulnerable.  Therefore you downplay or deny the support you have received.  You do not understand the concept of interdependence.  You like others to depend on you even though you not dependable.

CORRECTIVE:  To build relationships, learn to experience Interdependence, the give and take of caring and nurturing.  Learn to share.  Make allowance for others’ faults.  Accept that everyone is vulnerable in some ways at some times.

LACK OF INTEREST IN RESPONSIBLE PERFORMANCE

You do not experience the feeling of satisfaction that comes from doing something responsibly or putting out long-term effort.  Responsible performance looks dull and boring because it does not guarantee immediate excitement.  If you do become interested in a responsible project, your interest is short-lived unless you can continually attention seek.

CORRECTIVE: Act responsibly to develop interest from the experience. Emphasize doing rather than feelings.  Learn to give self-credit where due instead of demanding recognition from others.

PRETENTIOUSNES

You think you are the best, will be the best, but not that you will do your best.  You may like to flash money, drive a big car, or appear superior to others, feeling you don’t need to put forth the same effort as others to be a success or get what you want. Your opinion of yourself is tremendously over-rated. You set unrealistic goals but are not willing to follow through with the real work involved in honest achievement.

CORRECTIVE:  Replace pretensions with reasonable expectations.  Responsibly earn what you get and be willing to start from the bottom and legitimately work your way up.  Learn patience, tolerance for tedious work.  Accept lower voltage excitement and enthusiasm.  Base your self-worth on inner qualities and good deeds instead of superficial standards.

FAILURE TO MAKE AN EFFORT OR ENDURE ADVERSITY

“Effort” means doing what you don’t want to do, or not doing what want to do.  You put out little effort in being responsible but you may put out a lot of energy doing things you do want to do.  Instead of putting up with the adversity of life, you escape into criminal fantasies and actions.  Adversity is anything that isn’t going your way, which you see as a failure to control, and you refuse to accept this.

CORRECTIVE:  Accept that there must be consequences to the failure to put forth effort.  Remind yourself of how much energy you have when you want to misbehave, and direct it toward responsible efforts instead.  Remember that everyone experiences adversity and work to find solutions instead of giving up.

POOR DECISION-MAKING FOR RESPONSIBLE LIVING

You don’t use sound reasoning, fact-finding, or consideration of costs, risks, or options.  You are reluctant to ask questions to learn facts before making decisions.   If your pretensions or desires are contradicted by the facts you don’t want to hear them.

CORRECTIVE:  Be cautious and careful in considering consequences.  Replace ‘cold blooded’ decision making with concern for others.  Use integrity, flexibility, open-mindedness, fact-finding, and time management.  Ask questions, get feedback from responsible people.  Consider impact of all options on others.

CORROSION AND CUT-OFF

You may stop yourself from a criminal activity because of your conscience, a sincere wish to change, sentimental or religious thinking, or fear of getting caught.  You overcome these inhibitions by the processes of corrosion and cut-off.  Corrosion is a mental process in which you gradually drown out the “conscience” by repeating and increasing thoughts of the crime, until your desire to commit the crime out-weighs the other thoughts which might have stopped you.  Cut-off is a mental process that gets rid of the “conscience” thoughts quickly and completely—you use fragmentation to block out the conscience and shift your entire focus onto the crime.  You block out thoughts of how bad you’ll feel later.

CORRECTIVE:  Experience self-disgust and use it as a tool to remind self of consequences of crime.  Recognize guilt and fear as useful tools to guide daily behavior.  Inventory the results of past crimes and weigh long-term consequences. Do not allow yourself to fantasize about the excitement of criminal acts.

BUILDING UP THE OPINION OF ONESELF AS A GOOD PERSON

You convince yourself that you are really a good and decent person and resent the idea that you are a criminal even though you clearly committed criminal acts which are not “good and decent.”  The false image of yourself as a good person gives you permission to continue committing crimes.  You minimize the harm you have caused and may refer to a planned, serious crime as “a mistake”.  Your crimes may lead to lifetimes of devastating pain or even death for victims, but you will view the fact that you have done some good deeds as “canceling out” the harm you’ve done.

CORRECTIVE:  Recognize how the harm done in a criminal lifestyle outweighs the good you have done.  Do a balance sheet of right and wrong acts.  Make a daily inventory of conscience.  Do the right thing for the right reasons.

SUPEROPTIMISM

If you decide you want to do something, you consider it as good as done.  As you approach a criminal activity you reach a state of absolute certainty that you won’t get caught, no matter how unrealistic your plan. You don’t listen to reasonable doubts about anything if you want it done.  If someone tells you “maybe” you regard it as “yes”.  If you decide to become a responsible person, you are sure of your success and consider the change to have already happened just because you want it that way.  You use super optimism to convince yourself that you don’t really have to do any work to make things turn out all right – this applies to release, future job, future relationships, etc.

CORRECTIVE:  Eliminate super optimism by fact-finding, researching, weighing alternatives, and asking for input and feedback from responsible people.

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