Sometimes someone gives their opinion you can tell that they have no clue about the darker side of human nature.  Research has come out saying marriages are at risk for divorce if the man is happier than his wife. This is true even if the wife is herself happy.  The more that she perceives that he is unhappier than her the more stable the marriage is.  The researchers revealing this this relationship wondered why women behave like that.  They seem incapable of contemplating that some women want a psychopathic parasitic relationship. When they see the happiness gap was not in their favor they destroyed the relationship through divorce.

In 2009 a research article threw me out a big piece of bait with this hook title: You Can’t Be Happier than Your Wife. Happiness Gaps and Divorce.[1] The article was provoking on several levels. A news site summed it up.  [B]ased on data from tens of thousands of marriages in Britain, Australia and Germany – found that a wife is much more likely to divorce a husband she thinks is happier than her; and that if her partner is less happy than her, she is much more likely to stay with him.

Psychopathy, the parasitic lifestyle & the Mask of Sanity

Having or wanting a parasitic lifestyle is one of the hallmarks of psychopathy.  Due to modern social norms about traditional relationships many psychopathic women go unidentified.  Usually on numbered lists of psychopathic traits is “glibness or superficial charm”.  Psychopaths wear a “mask of sanity” is their superficial charm that hides their negative traits from the rest of the world.  From time to time that mask skips.  Psychopathic women mask of sanity publicly says “I want a supportive man” when beneath the mask in private they a parasite looking for a host.  They won’t stop at just being parasitic to the men in their lives, they will use every family member and relationship they can.  We could view all other psychopathic traits in this article but for length we are just going to address two: callous lack of empathy and sexuality.

Callous Lack of Empathy

Glibness and a parasitic lifestyle also combine with a callous lack of empathy.  When parasitic women sees a man is happier than her in any way she becomes envious and feels compelled to attack his happiness. She wants him to support her happiness to the point his happiness is ruined. If he does not she will attack his happiness until what she sees as the proper balance is restored. Her deeply ingrained anti-social expectations see her abusive behavior as an act of self-righteous justice.

If the psychopathic woman perceives an activity she does with her husband brings him “too much” happiness she finds ways to sabotage that activity.  She will sabotage birthdays, anniversaries, any holiday he enjoys if she perceives that he enjoys the event more than her.  She will passive-aggressively put in less effort into things that he enjoys until he no longer enjoys them. Or she will become abusive during those events until she has conditioned him to not enjoy them anymore.

Sexuality

A parasitic woman may sacrifice her sex life with her husband if she perceives he enjoys sex more than her.  She enjoys sex herself, especially when she is making sure she is getting parasitically attached to her new hosts.  Eventually sex becomes another aspect of the relationship to toy with (sexuality thinking error).  She will demand greater and greater concessions to engage in an activity she enjoys but she will do less and less when she does have sex with her partner.  She will crush his advances with an approach designed to cause the most emotional damage. Later she then mocks him for the pain of rejection. 

After doing so, she may gossip and slander him saying he isn’t being romantic anymore.  She portrays herself completely as the victim when she does this.  It is all justified due to the happiness gap in sex. If called to account, she will make a false confession. While doing so she hides behind confusion that men would even be hurt by this pattern of behavior.

This manipulation becomes apparent when she is single again.  She has sex with her exes that is once again reenergized, and she is again giving and generous.  All of a sudden, she seems to remember that the more you give the more you get in the bedroom.  Or she has a string of shallow sexual relationships so she can enjoy sex.

Visual Representation of the research

For the visual leaners, below is an of a happiness gap against the woman’s favor. The man is perceived as happier than the wife.

Below is an example of a happiness gap in the wife’s favor when the wife isn’t even happy.

The woman in situation one is actually happier than the woman in situation two. If she is parasitic she is willing to destroy a relationship that makes her the happiest so she can get into a relationship where she feels she is winning.

The Costs of Parasitic Woman’s Behaviors

Adverse Childhood Experiences and Divorce

Everyone that is being honest knows how bad divorce is for children.  Remember, it is an Adverse Childhood Experience for a child to be raised with divorce or separated parents.  Having a reckless attitude to raising children without a father is similar to deciding to physically or sexually abuse them. It is as bad as a sober person deciding to get on some street drugs.

Below is a chart that shows co-occurrence of specific ACES from respondents with serious mood disorders. Kinship/foster care scores the highest for mean cooccurring events but foster care happens after other ACES have happened. The two highest primary ACES are having a mentally ill parent or having parents separated or divorced.

Two of the highest covariant of ACES (those that predict other ACES scores) are the mental health of the mother and divorce. Having a psychopathic/sociopathic mother is certainly having a mother with a mental disorder.

Hostage Taking

If the parasitic woman has children, she is implicitly engaging in hostage taking. When she attacks her husband’s happiness the children are automatically taken hostage.  Depending on his religious views towards divorce she can also take him hostage on that front as well. She is playing a game of “chicken” when it comes to the blame game for the divorce to see what she can get away with

Codependent Sabotage

The process of beating someone down so you can be happier than them is part of codependent sabotage. The relationship is now stable at a deep personal cost to the husband. Since she has had so much practice on her husband at this point there is no stopping her into codependently sabotaging the lives of all of her children. Should they ever become estranged from her she can enter a victim stance on that account.

Even worse, now that the codependent sabotage is complete the marriage has undergone a lot of harm. The parasitic woman is unlikely to have the relational attention she wants so she has primed herself for further abuses. She has laid the groundwork to engage in affairs, sexual abuses out of the family or emotional incest or literal incest to get her wants met within the family.

She has also basically pushed her husband into the arms of another woman. Pushing the other partner away is a recognized pattern of behavior during emotional incest. A very perverse win-win for her. She has set up a double bind for her husband: A loveless marriage till death or adultery or divorce. If he wants any affection he has to cheat or divorce her to get it. She then tries to win the “blame game” for the divorce, ignoring perhaps decades of her parasitic behavior. If the court system works in her favor, it helps isolate the chosen child for more enmeshment.

Sexual Abuse

There is a wealth of research proposing women are underrepresented as sexual offenders in the legal system. My own experience working with both traumatized boys and under-prosecuted girls confirmes this for me. They have been for decades. Even more confounding is a lot of the assaults perpetrated by women fall short of categories like “forced to penetrate.” There is a wide range of behavior in between emotional incest and literal incest that is hard to capture in the research.

Women staff are over-represented in violations of the Prison Rape Elimination Act (PREA). They engage in a variety of abuses of the Act involving “abuse of power, trading in favors, offers of special privileges and protection, and offers of alcohol and drugs, which co-occurs with female staff sexual misconduct.”  (Staff Sexual Misconduct: Implications of PREA for Women Working in Corrections – Allen J. Beck, 2015 sagepub.com).  One of the leading events around female staff misconduct is personal relationship problems.

Recommendations Based off of Key Concepts & fundamental Frameworks

Birds of a Feather Flock together

When rating someone for psychopathy on the Hare Checklist someone either scores a 0, with the behavior not present, or a 1, mixed findings, or a 2, with the behavior clearly present.  Women that are mildly parasitic will defend these anti-social values and behaviors as a first line of defense of their own atrocious values and behaviors.  There are other large portions of the female population that think this behavior is wrong but fear the backlash of advocating for a less psychopathic version of femininity.

Recommendations for women

Intentionally separate yourself from the Flock.

Women wanting a stable marriage will guard who they engage with in person or via media.  They separate themselves from women that have parasitic values and behaviors and especially anyone that brags about winning arguments for the sake of winning arguments.  These women also avoid women or media that advocates for using sexuality as control.  They do not watch media that normalize conflict within a relationship and especially media that normalizes being upset that someone is happier than you.

This also means not watching media that normalizes envy or jealousy towards people that are successful in prudent ways.  Efforts to rebrand certain levels of successes as bad just because everyone can’t reach them is toxic.  There is always going to be a top 1 percent of any class (income, happiness, etc.) and hating them for being at the top even though they have not done anything abusive or neglectful means you are in the flock.

Recommendations for men

First, don’t consume trash media.  Second, avoid women that consume or produce trash media.  Third, avoid women that have friends that have not separated themselves from the flock. 4. Trust your gut if you think she is wearing a mask of sanity and create distance quickly

The Anger Thinking Error

The psychopathic person uses the Anger Thinking Error and has a lot off neurotic irritability other negative emotions that contribute to their struggles to control their emotions and anger in this way. Like the narcissist they wear their mask of sanity very well in shallow relationships but when faced who is beginning to know them their mask of sanity begins to slip.

Signs the mask of sanity is slipping

• Psychopaths become emotionally vicious they cannot control themselves when they are ask to stop being parasitic.  For example, to follow a budget and stop running up debt.
• They become dysregulated at the idea they are not the primary beneficiary of a relationship.
• They also create conflict very easily as a way to deal with their boredom.  The very fact that someone might be happier than them is all the excuse they need to target them.
• They can be extremely confrontational and aggressive characters, seemingly turning on a dime.
• They can be hyper-sensitive, and suddenly fly off the handle with little or no provocation.
• Psychopathic women will often “test the waters” to see just how physically or emotionally abusive they can be and will constantly seek to erode whatever boundaries they find. (they can’t help causing trouble).

The anger corrective targets this neurotic anger and helps people use the Emotional Intelligence personal skill of Emotional Regulation.  It is literally impossible to be an angry person and a emotionally intelligent person.

CORRECTIVE:  You must eliminate Anger, not just control it.   Remember that anger is never necessary to resolve a problem.  Find Thinking Errors that lead to anger and use their correctives.   Recognize the short and long term costs of anger.  Apply rational thinking and reasoning. Learn to accept that frustration (not getting want one wants) is common to everyone and does not have to lead automatically to anger.

Recommendation for Women

Use the corrective, obviously and do it without exception.  Every time and place you feel anger work on using the corrective. If you have to prioritize where to feel the least amount of anger go it first with your husband and children. Realize it is never ok to take your anger out one someone, it makes you look like a total psycho. You cannot use this thinking error without a robust self-awareness into your other thinking errors.

Recommendation for Men

Avoid angry women no longer how reasonable their excuse seems.  This is doubly true in your personal life. Lots of angry women look for excuses to be angry, causes to champion so they can take their anger out on someone. Eventually, out of convenience they will turn that anger on you.  As such, you should avoid anyone that is a part of outrage culture and most feminist.

The Sexuality Thinking Error

Sex is a fundamental part of human existence and a happiness gap there becomes another plaything. Women that want stable marriages are also going to want to make sure they don’t harm their relationships with the sexuality thinking error.

Recommendations for Women

Simply use the corrective. Very likely following the other four recommendations will make working on this recommendation much easier.

CORRECTIVE:  Eliminate power, control, conquest, and exploitation and replace with mutual, dignified, respectful, loyal, interpersonal relationships. Eliminate stereotypes and learn to view others as whole human beings instead of just a way to get what you want.  Consider feelings and rights of others in all interactions.  Develop sensitivity to needs of others.  Look for mutual fulfillment instead of exploitation and short-term excitement.

Recommendations for Men

Be sensitive to a woman that appears to use her sexuality in a parasitic way, even if it is just for attention. Look out for the woman that dress provocatively but then plays the victim when she gets extra attention. Small versions of this include women revel in having the upper hand in the dating scene and are dismissive to how exploitive dating can be for men.

Emotional Competency of Service Orientation

The Emotional Competencies of Emotional Intelligence are the competencies that help thrive in organizations so they can have successful careers.  A marriage is a relationship most people want to thrive in.  The social skill of service orientation is the exact opposite of a parasitic lifestyle.  Interestingly, most people are happier when they are doing good acts for others.

Recommendations For Women

Women wanting a thriving marriage will continually develop their service orientations skills within the marriage.  They can decide to be lazy and smart or hardworking and smart when it comes to service orientation.  Any gap in willingness to use their service orientation in a relationship versus their personal life is a sign of a lack of integrity. (get anchor).

Remember the 12:1 ratio for maintaining positive relationships and be excited to use that within your marriage.  Find ways to work on the altruism personality trait What Is Altruism? Definition, Types, and How to Cultivate It (verywellmind.com)

Recommendations For Men

Men, you obviously want a woman that is high in service orientation.  But you should make sure that they have this orientation towards their families above all else, and not their job.  The skills and lessons they learn working should make them better with their service orientation and not be an excuse to slack off.  The mask of sanity psychopathic women wear enjoys the game of trapping men and then slowly eroding their expectations and boundaries to see what they cannot get out of.  This is grooming you for future abuse and neglect.  Look for drops off in service orientation as she tries to take the relationship to the next level or if she gets less responsive after a personal success.  Those are black flags in a relationship.

And as always, don’t be a hypocrite.  Set the standard and work to improve your altruism within the relationship.

Increase Positive Emotions Generally

It stands to reason that perhaps one reason women are not happy in general is their personality traits for happiness are underdeveloped.  Basic personality theory understands there is a biological component to personality, but people can work on their own mindsets and adjust their personality with enough work.

Recommendations for Women

A central refrain for this blog is unilateral self-improvement.  Women can undertake by themselves actions that will make them feel more positive emotions more frequently with a little bit of effort.  It is hard to feel resentment at someone else’s happiness when you have worked on driving down your negative emotions while improving your negative emotions.

Part of this will mean removing any anti-social values and expectations you have that create a false sense of victimhood. Improving your dependability and integrity mean you have less reasons to feel a false sense of victimhood when you justly asked to improve.

Here are some recommendations for nurses to avoid burn out

Central among them are improving their ability feel positive emotions. If this works for nurses under their stress level it can work for everyday women.

• Noticing Positive Events: Take time to savor everyday positive moments, such as celebrating a patient reaching a milestone toward recovery or appreciating meaningful interactions.
• Capitalizing: Amplify and extend the impact of positive events to strengthen the connection between the event and the emotions. This skill could include telling a friend about the event, sharing it on social media or writing about it in a journal.
• Gratitude: Nurture a sense of thankfulness and express gratitude to others.
• Positive Reappraisal: Reframe the significance of negative or stressful events in a more positive way.
• Mindfulness: Pay attention, focus on the present moment, in a nonjudgmental fashion, such as through formal meditation or informal activities that incorporate mindfulness into everyday workplace activities.
• Personal Strengths: Recognize and appreciate one’s unique set of strengths, skills and talents, and acknowledge those of colleagues.
• Attainable Goals: Establish and pursue personal and team goals for a greater sense of control in a sometimes hectic and often unpredictable work environment.
• Self-Compassion: Be kind and understanding toward oneself and help create a workplace culture where personal experiences with errors and feelings of inadequacy are openly shared and addressed.
• Compassion Toward Others: Help colleagues with seemingly small gestures that provide emotional support and build an overall culture of collaboration and teamwork.

Recommendations for Men

If you ever find yourself having to lower your positive emotions when a woman is around because she becomes hostile, you may be dealing with a psychopathic woman.  The anger, the shallow affect, the parasitic attack on your happiness are all you need to see.  You cannot change her.  Any effort to change her will give her what she sees as a valid excuse to get even worse.  Protect yourself at all times and consider your options.  Destroying the relationship is a game to her. Extracting what she can from you is also a game to her. 

Simple Strategies to Increase Positive Emotion Skills – AACN

Closing Thoughts

A simple thought experiment often used in Moral Reasoning exercises is a simple role reversal.  I have laid out the situation where divorced women report that a perceived happiness gap was a leading reason they got divorced.

Do a simple role reversal. 

Imagine if divorced men reported the reason for their divorce was a happiness gap and it was because their wives were happier than they were.  It would be instantly clear to the women men should improve his own happiness rather than risking his children having a higher ACE score due to men’s inability to regulate their negative emotions.  A man attacking his wives happiness would clearly be seen as psychopathic.  A man even attempting to have a parasitic lifestyle is seen as way more psychopathic than a woman doing the same.

Many women initiate more divorce than men in large part because of their parasitic attitudes toward happiness.  These women need to be seen as accurately as they are.

Societal Recommendations

Society, and by that I mean the legal institutions like the courts and police departments and the social institutions like Office of Children’s Welfare need to start taking a serious look at women displaying parasitic behavior.  There is a lot of debate between sociopathic and psychopathic behavior but if a woman is displaying these behaviors courts should not treat those women as acting in good faith.

A legal system that is trauma informed is going to understand the traumatic behaviors of  parasitic or psychopathic women as much as it the understand parasitic or psychopathic behavior of men.  Unfortunately Birds of a Feather Flock together and many of these organizations are filled with neglectful and abusive women that lack the moral standing to be in a position of public trust and authority.  They are filled with women that use excessive amounts of daycare, or they cannot maintain a relationship with a good man due to their own parasitic inclinations and other anti-social values and behaviors. As such, caring and loving parents of both sexes cannot look to existing institutions for solutions.

Research Quotes

“In general, the higher the degree of caring, the narrower will be the range of conflict”[3]

“there is no reason to expect that the remaining happiness gap should affect the likelihood of divorce. In terms of empirical investigation, controlling for the variables that capture the gains to marriage and the value of exiting the marriage for each spouse, and the total happiness of the couple, there should thus be no statistical association between happiness gaps and divorce….. This paper tests this prediction. It finds that on the contrary, ceteris paribus, happiness gaps are robustly associated with a higher likelihood of a future separation.”

“the effect of happiness gaps is asymmetric. Happiness gaps are associated to future divorce only when they are unfavorable to women, but not to men.”

This is consistent with the idea that some divorces are initiated by women, not only because they are unhappy, but because they are less happy than their husband.

Women also more often than men declare that “it is all right for a couple with an unhappy marriage to get a divorce, even if there are children”, or that “marriage is an outdated institution”, and less often agree that “marriage is a lifetime relationship and should never be ended” (all these differences are statistically significant). This suggests that the new generation of German women do not exclude exit (rather than voice or loyalty) as a possible solution in case of marital conflict.

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[1] (PDF) You Can’t Be Happier than Your Wife. Happiness Gaps and Divorce. (researchgate.net)

[2] Why you mustn’t be happier than your wife | Express Yourself | Comment | Express.co.uk

[3] ResearchGate