In order to understand the enemies of sound research into daycare we have to look at the dark side of personality.  We have to be comfortable with discussing psychopathy, sociopathy, narcissism, and the negative traits and behaviors within those diagnosis. Narcissistic people have this fantasy version of the world and themselves in it. Any facts that correct this fantasy creates enemies out of those that hold on to the delusions. The fantasy that many women have is they can ticbe physically or emotionally distant from their children and still be “good mothers.” If that fantasy falls apart they have to admit they are “bad mothers.” Emotional deadbeats. Unwilling to step up to their responsibilities they develop and improve a impressive host of defense mechanisms. These defense mechanisms leave them off as worse parents than wild animals. A upcoming post will explain how feminist institutionalized maternal narcissism.

One has to remember that many “defense mechanisms” that narcissists use are criminal thinking errors or tactics to avoid change. When a woman has built up the image of themselves as a good person and someone points out that they chose to neglect their children almost daily you see a host of narcissistic behavior. This behavior ranges from reactive anger, dismissing the harm done, lack of empathy, envy of men or women without children, and a pervasive state of self-perceived victimhood at assuming the responsibilities of motherhood. In short, the exact opposite of what a caring and loving mother would do.

What else do emotionally deadbeat women with these delusions do when faced with reality? Quite frankly they lie or play stupid. They are in a state of arrested development. They use the skills that the learned in elementary school and are unwilling to learn or practice consistently more adult ways of behaving. Since they are older they can use these childish skills at a higher level than when they were in kindergarten. However, they are still emotional children because they have refused to grow up and accept adult responsibilities.

One we understand narcissism we can understand the enemies of sound research into excessive daycare. Part of this understanding comes with the horror of just how widespread maternal narcissism has become.

Understanding Narcissism

Everyone has some areas were they could improve. Many of us have some serious faults. Bad habits. Bad traits can range from mild to severe and people with this trait can either be low functioning or high functioning individuals in the professional world.  Sometimes a fault in a personal relationship can make someone successful in a soulless bureaucracy. Christopher Lasch puts it well:

“For all his inner suffering, the narcissist has many traits that make for success in bureaucratic institutions, which put premium on the manipulation of interpersonal relations, discourage the formation of deep personal attachments, and at the same time provide the narcissist with the approval he needs in order to validate his self-esteem.”
― Christopher Lasch, The Culture of Narcissism: American Life in An Age of Diminishing Expectations

Obviously, in one’s personal life being manipulative and having a lack of deep personal attachments is a bad thing. Who wants a emotionally distant but manipulative mother? Who wants to be that kind of father? No one that is well adjusted.

Narcissistic traits:

• A grandiose sense of self-importance
• Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• Believing that they are “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
• Requiring excessive admiration
• A sense of entitlement (unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations)
• Being interpersonally exploitative (taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends)
• Lacking empathy (unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others)
• Often being envious of others or believing that others are envious of them
• Showing arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Narcissistic personality disorder – Wikipedia

Causes of narcissism range from genetic components, early childhood traumas, cultural or social reasons. Some people may just figure it out themselves. They get a rush when they lie and get away with it. All by themselves they discover the joy of taking their anger out on people. They learned at a young age to play the victim to blame shift their faults onto others. They learn to buy into their own lies and believe 100% that a lie told well enough is as good as the truth if not better. Getting out of their responsibilities is a game to them worth playing as is building up the lie that they are good people.

Psychologist define both psychopaths and narcissists by their grandiosity, inability to (honestly) accept responsibility for their actions, parasitic lifestyles, willingness to attack people that know and speak the truth, and so forth.  For people in tuned with sensing these traits there is an epidemic of narcissism.  Christopher Lasch published The Culture of Narcissism in 1979 and I dare say things have just gotten worse.  Narcissism has become more widespread and it occurs at more higher intensities. The idea that there is an epidemic of narcissism is still very common and accepted.  Dr Yeomans has over 40 years of experience in dealing with personality disorders:

Most people accept the notion of widespread or systemic narcissism so long as you are talking about another demographic’s behaviors.  Women easily see narcissism in men but not women, and vice versa.  Some nations are broadly culturally narcissistic as well but discussing that right now will get me bogged down.

People with different background and experiences are going to explain the key aspects of narcissism differently.  It comes with human nature and how individuals build models of understanding.  I focus on several key components that occur in a pattern of thoughts and behaviors.  Just because I cite some people does not mean they agree with my complete model.

Narcissistic Behaviors

Traits and thought patterns lead people to showing behaviors. Behaviors that are harmful are called maladaptive. Someone that has a lot of assertiveness or attention seeking behaviors could test highly on some narcissism tests. But what makes narcissistic behavior hurtful or maladaptive is when it causes pain to others or the narcissist. Things that can really damage relationships are the dismissiveness that comes from a lack of empathy, or the mental gymnastics they use to justify their reactive anger. Everyone may feel some jealousy or envy from time to time but it becomes maladaptive when the negative emotions lead to bullying or slander.

Time and time again when the experts discuss narcissism they mention the following:

Splitting: Internal Goodness Versus External Badness justifies Violence

Narcissists tend to view everything that is good with them as being internal to them and everything that is bad is external to them.  “Thick-skinned” narcissists are often very dismissive of legitimate or insightful criticism that so there is really no getting to them. On the other hand, “thin-skinned” narcissists take great offence to any criticism no matter how gentle, fair, and balanced.

Narcissism has a specific psychological structure:

Narcissism is about personal narratives:

Since narcissist views themselves as “good” every time someone tries to point out how they could improve or be better in some way they view that as a vicious attach. Anything that is not “good” is “bad” and what is “bad” is external to them. The narcissistic has a grandiose sense of their own goodness and anything that criticizes that is deeply degrading to them. As such, the narcissist views their intense counterattack as justified. The notion “the average person is average; and they are average” is violence to them.

They Morally Mandates Lies

Narcissistic people have a strange way of viewing the truth and the role that lying play in maintaining the psychological structure of their grandiose thinking.  Broadly thinking, truths are an aggression to the narcissist.

Narcissist often lies because the truth is offensive to them.  They believe the truth a greater injustice than the lie they tell.  If they have not achieved great things then the world is wrong for not giving them what they desire.  Their lack of glory is a greater injustice than their lie.  The lie is “what should be” and so it is acceptable and morally required.  To tell the truth is a version of self harm to narcissist.  It is ok to destroy or attack truths that go against the narcissist self image

Due to the narcissist willingness or excitement to be abusive it is easier to go along with the lies than to tell them the truth.  In other words, the narcissist tries to create a situation where is easier to be gaslight by them than struggle against the all the different kind of lies and anger they use.

Narcissists are in a state of arrested development

They use anger, tantrums and lies like a child.  They are not above playing the adult version of playground bully while also being the teachers pet while in the classroom.  This really limits their ability to develop in mature and holistic ways.   Since they are so childish transfer any faults or blame from themselves onto others. 

Much like psychopath; narcissist wear a mask of sanity.  They have one set of behaviors they use in public and a completely different set they reveal to people in private.  Or, in relationships they use one face they in the beginning of relationships when they childishly idealize the other person and later they use a different face to devalued and discard what they use to idealize.  Narcissistic Abuse Cycle: Stages, Impact, and Coping (verywellmind.com)

They are in the basement when considering Kohlberg’s Stages of Moral Development. Kohlberg’s  stages of moral development is itself a deeply flawed structure that I must needs address later but even within that flawed structure narcissists moral reasoning is childish.

Since they see themselves as “good” they want you to be overly cautious with their emotions but they have no need to be cautious about your emotions.  They can emotionally be a bull in a china shop with others but want others to walk on egg shells around them. They will try to convince you that y ou are the one that is childish if you don’t see how right they are.  This apparent emotional fragility is often dismissed as stemming from trauma. But there are a host of traumatized people that are more empathetic towards people, not less, due to their trauma. So that excuses is destroyed when we consider appropriate role models.

They set up “double binds” to make sure you are always wrong and they are always right

Double-binds are classic “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situations that narcissists set up almost without thinking about it.  If a narcissist is doing something wrong and you tell them calmly they will later blame you for not telling them clearly enough, they didn’t know how important it was too you.  When you are clear with them, they will blame you for being to careless with their emotions.  If you don’ tell them anything at all you are at fault for not trying to inform or support them.

Narcissist lie to themselves by rewriting their memories as needed to redefine normal actions as abusive by using the double bind.  In the beginning of a relationship when you are setting healthy limits they idolize your clear communication. They love how you have given them a clear path to a successful relationship with you.  Later, when they devalue you they come back with the double bind.  All the expectations and boundaries you set in the beginning of the relationship were now toxic, unrealistic, and abusive.  Narcissist attempt to convince you that they are not a deceitful monster for violating the foundational agreements of the relationship. Rather, you are the monster for wanting to maintain your boundaries.