Synthesis of the Four Behaviors & Understanding Neglectful Mothers and Researchers

The average person may have at time have grandiose thinking and fantasies of greatness.  But what about people that are obviously deeply flawed people? Sometimes their fantasy is that they are still a “good person”. They fantasize that their abuses and neglect really are not all that bad. Maternal Narcissists with delusions of averageness or mediocrity engage in the same defense mechanisms that grandiose narcissist use. Maternal narcissists think they are ok moms while grandiose narcissist think they are great. Both are delusional and hostile to correction.

• As part of splitting the blame for any “badness” within them must actually be external to them. When they chose to neglect their children, society or the husband is to blame. “You made me do this” is a common excuse.
• They perceive that any abuse or neglect they perform is for the children’s own benefit. This is “true” even if no one understands how this lie could be true. A common lie by maternal narcissist is abuse and neglect builds resiliency or “toughen them up”.
• As part of their grandiose self-concept anything they value or are skilled at is immediately of higher value than things they are not good at or don’t value.  So, if they are not really good at “this whole motherhood thing” it isn’t really important to be good. Role models of actually caring mothers are devalued or ignored.
• Any responsibilities that these emotional deadbeats do not want to meet are oppressive, so it is ok to lie about meeting those responsibilities. Or it is morally mandated to attack the people that set those responsibilities with narcissistic rage or social sabotage.
• If they decide to act out with tantrums or socially sabotage when held to account for their neglectful or abusive behavior it is not they who are childish, it is the people with the unrealistic expectations of them.
• Narcissists feel victimized if they themselves cannot be neglectful and abusive.  Since they have rewritten in their head by reversing what is good for bad and vice versa they actually want validation and praise for their acting out.  They see their struggle as a just struggle.

Mothers with anti-social values and expectations really don’t want to put in the time and effort to be a good mother.  Rather than seeing it as a worthwhile activity in and of itself they see it as a “sacrifice.”  In other words, they don’t “get to” be loving and caring mothers but they “have to” be caring and loving mothers because a oppressive society forces them to.  This burden is so egregious to the narcissistic mother that it is OK to lie about meeting the expectations but it is also morally mandated to lie about what these expectations are.  To do otherwise would be a form of self-harm for limiting the mother’s true potential and self-actualization.

These women think “If society has to progress through lies than lie I shall” or they think “this is a good lie that needs repeating.”  And of course, they are totally willing to lie about wanting to lie.

The stage is now set for researchers to do shoddy research and for it to be accepted and touted to wide acclaim.  The very same researcher that conducts outstanding research that finds that stress hormones rise daily in children in daycare and can link that stress to long term negative outcomes while doing one study feels no sense of shame or guilt when she turns around with a shoddy research design that shows that daycare isn’t that bad.  Both advance her needs in the moment.