Self-Assessment and Maternal Abuse and Neglect

It is simple common sense that a mother that commits abuse and neglect lacks integrity. Their ability to self-assess very likely has been skewed by their efforts to build themselves up by tearing others down and playing the victim when faced with the responsibilities of motherhood.

Since men and women are different they display different behaviors when they lack integrity.  It is important to remember that parenthood is gendered.  Mommies grow babies in their bellies. They have complex hormonal bonding reactions during natural birth and breast feeding that help them bond to their children. 

The bond mommy-baby bond is so vital that for decades researcher have shown and known about the negative effects of non-maternal day. (I have quite a lengthy post on that coming soon).  The vast majority of women elect to use excessive amounts of daycare for materialistic and status-based reasons.  Lack of proper breastfeeding and excessive daycare are integrity violations that only mothers are capable of committing.  A woman that elects to not breastfeed or use too much daycare is as much a deadbeat as a dad that avoids working an honest job so he won’t have to pay child support.

For sake of length I won’t go on about other neglects and abuses..  The best way to address such large integrity violations so to understand they occur as a wider patten of misconduct. Abusive and Neglectful women hold some deeply anti-social values and anti-social expectations that create their abusive behavior. 

Example 1: Deeply Resentful Vignette

Sandy had just received a promotion and had to do a lot of client management.  She was excited to take new trainings and learn new skills so she could thrive in her new position.  Management recognized and appreciated her work with a raise and a higher profile position within the organization. She was able to expand her department’s reach as she had taken her new collaboration skills and used them with enthusiasm.

A few months later she mentioned she was using her client management skills on her husband and her teenage kids. She was “deeply resentful” that the skills were working. My face was quizzical and I asked why that was? She responded: “I shouldn’t have to use these skills. They should just listen to me because I am their mom and he is my husband.”  Before I could respond my team lead Kris gave me a quick shake of the head to quiet me down before she  commiserated in with Sandy.

Example 2 An example of Altruistic Narcissism from jriedtherapy.com.

Sarah’s mother saw herself as a nurturing woman. She worked as a psychologist. In therapy, Sarah recalled her mother flying into rages whenever she left any toys out as a young child. As Sarah grew, her mother reacted to her as though all of her needs were ‘too much’. She insisted that Sarah always watch herself from taking ‘needed’ attention away from ‘those that needed it’ – like her younger brother. In one of the most searingly painful moments of Sarah’s childhood, Sarah was asking for her mother’s attention to a drawing she had made and her mother pulled her aside and contemptuously said, “You know Sarah, the world does NOT revolve around you!”.[5]

Example 3: Modern Women Plan on a lack of emotional intelligence and integrity

I remember having to take a mandatory woman’s study class in High School where the teacher read off a page or two from a book for young women recommended ways they could get along with their husband and children.  It was specifically teaching young women the emotional intelligence skills of social adeptness.  In other words it was teaching “client management” to the  high school women of yesteryear.

The tone from the female teacher and young ladies of the class was sheer condescension. They laughed at recommendations for a quick clean up before the husband got home.  The kids should be clean and changed if they were playing outside and any toys that they were playing with should by tidied up.  Everyone home should give the father a warm welcome home.

It was clear they looked down on the women of yesteryear who read books on how to be good wives and mothers.  They were going to have different relationships. One where they had the career and the upper hand.  When their husbands get home they are going to be given a to-do list.  They were almost one upping one another with amused banter of how bad they were going to be as wives and mothers.  The teacher laughed and encouraged them every step of the way. I remember thinking as a teenage boy own abusive and neglectful mother “oh, so that is how women get so bad” and being amazed at their shamelessness. 

Example Questions

There are many ways people show they value something, and actions speak louder than words. Below is a collection of different behaviors that someone can do with positive emotions like inspiration, joy and eagerness. Or they can experience negative emotions when they do them. Or they could refuse to do these actions. Someone excited and willing to do things on the list their for teammates or clients but find it a burden to do it with family is lacking integrity. They lack an interest in responsible performance to their family. The correction is to work on generating motivation within themselves for these responsibilities.

Imagine a psychologist or a social worker sitting across from you with a fair knowledge of you from collateral reports. These can be from your co-workers, family members, friends to give you an assessment to measure your integrity. The shrink is going to conversationally talk to you about the different spheres of your life. Sometimes it would be about work, sometimes family, and other times it would be about your social circle. If you work better under pressure, imagine you are in court being questioned by the opposing legal counsel.

Most honest women would answer these questions showing they treat their family the worse relative to anyone else. This is why honesty is only a small part of integrity. There are plenty of honest enough crooks out there.

• Deescalate arguments
• Generate motivation
• Compromise and agree
• Leave previous disputes in the past
• Make an effort to regulate personal negative emotion
• Support someone else goals
• put yourself in someone’s else’s position
• Provide emotional support for someone else’s negative emotions
• Let someone try and cheer you or make you happy
• Be patient teaching others
• Admit you were wrong/apologies
• Admit you have room to grow/improve
• Maintain respectful behavior during a disagreement
• Volunteer to learn new things
• Volunteer for important responsibilities
• Over to cover for someone when they seem overworked
• Do your responsibilities without being asked
• Avoid favoritism