One has to remember that many “defense mechanisms” that narcissists use are criminal thinking errors or tactics to avoid change. When a woman has built up the image of themselves as a good person and someone points out that they chose to neglect their children almost daily you see a host of narcissistic behavior. This behavior ranges from reactive anger, dismissing the harm done, lack of empathy, envy of men or women without children, and a pervasive state of self-perceived victimhood at assuming the responsibilities of motherhood. In short, the exact opposite of what a caring and loving mother would do.

What else do emotionally deadbeat women with these delusions do when faced with reality? Quite frankly they lie or play stupid. They are in a state of arrested development. They use the skills that the learned in elementary school and are unwilling to learn or practice consistently more adult ways of behaving. Since they are older they can use these childish skills at a higher level than when they were in kindergarten. However, they are still emotional children because they have refused to grow up and accept adult responsibilities.

One we understand narcissism we can understand the enemies of sound research into excessive daycare. Part of this understanding comes with the horror of just how widespread maternal narcissism has become.

Understanding Narcissism

Everyone has some areas were they could improve. Many of us have some serious faults. Bad habits. Bad traits can range from mild to severe and people with this trait can either be low functioning or high functioning individuals in the professional world.  Sometimes a fault in a personal relationship can make someone successful in a soulless bureaucracy. Christopher Lasch puts it well:

“For all his inner suffering, the narcissist has many traits that make for success in bureaucratic institutions, which put premium on the manipulation of interpersonal relations, discourage the formation of deep personal attachments, and at the same time provide the narcissist with the approval he needs in order to validate his self-esteem.”
― Christopher Lasch, The Culture of Narcissism: American Life in An Age of Diminishing Expectations

Obviously, in one’s personal life being manipulative and having a lack of deep personal attachments is a bad thing. Who wants a emotionally distant but manipulative mother? Who wants to be that kind of father? No one that is well adjusted.

Narcissistic traits:

• A grandiose sense of self-importance
• Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• Believing that they are “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
• Requiring excessive admiration
• A sense of entitlement (unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations)
• Being interpersonally exploitative (taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends)
• Lacking empathy (unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others)
• Often being envious of others or believing that others are envious of them
• Showing arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Narcissistic personality disorder – Wikipedia

Causes of narcissism range from genetic components, early childhood traumas, cultural or social reasons. Some people may just figure it out themselves. They get a rush when they lie and get away with it. All by themselves they discover the joy of taking their anger out on people. They learned at a young age to play the victim to blame shift their faults onto others. They learn to buy into their own lies and believe 100% that a lie told well enough is as good as the truth if not better. Getting out of their responsibilities is a game to them worth playing as is building up the lie that they are good people.

Psychologist define both psychopaths and narcissists by their grandiosity, inability to (honestly) accept responsibility for their actions, parasitic lifestyles, willingness to attack people that know and speak the truth, and so forth.  For people in tuned with sensing these traits there is an epidemic of narcissism.  Christopher Lasch published The Culture of Narcissism in 1979 and I dare say things have just gotten worse.  Narcissism has become more widespread and it occurs at more higher intensities. The idea that there is an epidemic of narcissism is still very common and accepted.  Dr Yeomans has over 40 years of experience in dealing with personality disorders:

Most people accept the notion of widespread or systemic narcissism so long as you are talking about another demographic’s behaviors.  Women easily see narcissism in men but not women, and vice versa.  Some nations are broadly culturally narcissistic as well but discussing that right now will get me bogged down.

People with different background and experiences are going to explain the key aspects of narcissism differently.  It comes with human nature and how individuals build models of understanding.  I focus on several key components that occur in a pattern of thoughts and behaviors.  Just because I cite some people does not mean they agree with my complete model.

Narcissistic Behaviors

Traits and thought patterns lead people to showing behaviors. Behaviors that are harmful are called maladaptive. Someone that has a lot of assertiveness or attention seeking behaviors could test highly on some narcissism tests. But what makes narcissistic behavior hurtful or maladaptive is when it causes pain to others or the narcissist. Things that can really damage relationships are the dismissiveness that comes from a lack of empathy, or the mental gymnastics they use to justify their reactive anger. Everyone may feel some jealousy or envy from time to time but it becomes maladaptive when the negative emotions lead to bullying or slander.

Time and time again when the experts discuss narcissism they mention the following:

Splitting: Internal Goodness Versus External Badness justifies Violence

Narcissists tend to view everything that is good with them as being internal to them and everything that is bad is external to them.  “Thick-skinned” narcissists are often very dismissive of legitimate or insightful criticism that so there is really no getting to them. On the other hand, “thin-skinned” narcissists take great offence to any criticism no matter how gentle, fair, and balanced.

Narcissism has a specific psychological structure:

Narcissism is about personal narratives:

Since narcissist views themselves as “good” every time someone tries to point out how they could improve or be better in some way they view that as a vicious attach. Anything that is not “good” is “bad” and what is “bad” is external to them. The narcissistic has a grandiose sense of their own goodness and anything that criticizes that is deeply degrading to them. As such, the narcissist views their intense counterattack as justified. The notion “the average person is average; and they are average” is violence to them.

They Morally Mandates Lies

Narcissistic people have a strange way of viewing the truth and the role that lying play in maintaining the psychological structure of their grandiose thinking.  Broadly thinking, truths are an aggression to the narcissist.

Narcissist often lies because the truth is offensive to them.  They believe the truth a greater injustice than the lie they tell.  If they have not achieved great things then the world is wrong for not giving them what they desire.  Their lack of glory is a greater injustice than their lie.  The lie is “what should be” and so it is acceptable and morally required.  To tell the truth is a version of self harm to narcissist.  It is ok to destroy or attack truths that go against the narcissist self image

Due to the narcissist willingness or excitement to be abusive it is easier to go along with the lies than to tell them the truth.  In other words, the narcissist tries to create a situation where is easier to be gaslight by them than struggle against the all the different kind of lies and anger they use.

Narcissists are in a state of arrested development

They use anger, tantrums and lies like a child.  They are not above playing the adult version of playground bully while also being the teachers pet while in the classroom.  This really limits their ability to develop in mature and holistic ways.   Since they are so childish transfer any faults or blame from themselves onto others. 

Much like psychopath; narcissist wear a mask of sanity.  They have one set of behaviors they use in public and a completely different set they reveal to people in private.  Or, in relationships they use one face they in the beginning of relationships when they childishly idealize the other person and later they use a different face to devalued and discard what they use to idealize.  Narcissistic Abuse Cycle: Stages, Impact, and Coping (verywellmind.com)

They are in the basement when considering Kohlberg’s Stages of Moral Development. Kohlberg’s  stages of moral development is itself a deeply flawed structure that I must needs address later but even within that flawed structure narcissists moral reasoning is childish.

Since they see themselves as “good” they want you to be overly cautious with their emotions but they have no need to be cautious about your emotions.  They can emotionally be a bull in a china shop with others but want others to walk on egg shells around them. They will try to convince you that y ou are the one that is childish if you don’t see how right they are.  This apparent emotional fragility is often dismissed as stemming from trauma. But there are a host of traumatized people that are more empathetic towards people, not less, due to their trauma. So that excuses is destroyed when we consider appropriate role models.

They set up “double binds” to make sure you are always wrong and they are always right

Double-binds are classic “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situations that narcissists set up almost without thinking about it.  If a narcissist is doing something wrong and you tell them calmly they will later blame you for not telling them clearly enough, they didn’t know how important it was too you.  When you are clear with them, they will blame you for being to careless with their emotions.  If you don’ tell them anything at all you are at fault for not trying to inform or support them.

Narcissist lie to themselves by rewriting their memories as needed to redefine normal actions as abusive by using the double bind.  In the beginning of a relationship when you are setting healthy limits they idolize your clear communication. They love how you have given them a clear path to a successful relationship with you.  Later, when they devalue you they come back with the double bind.  All the expectations and boundaries you set in the beginning of the relationship were now toxic, unrealistic, and abusive.  Narcissist attempt to convince you that they are not a deceitful monster for violating the foundational agreements of the relationship. Rather, you are the monster for wanting to maintain your boundaries.

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I adapted the Emotional Intelligence framework from a summary of Daniel Goleman’s Working with Emotional Intelligence.  It is a great read for anyone interested in self-improvement and I strongly recommend it. Emotional Intelligence breaks down into personal skills and social skills.  Mr. Goleman wrote his works targeting people that want to improve their professional careers.  All of the skills articulated by Mr. Goleman are portable skill. They can be used in any profession and all personal relationships.

My blog is focused on improving happiness on a generational bases by addressing maternal abuse and neglect. I am focusing on maternal abuse and neglect due to its prevalence and how easy it can be to avoid. It takes zero point zero dollars for someone to become more emotionally intelligent and more caring and loving.

I do not consider someone emotionally intelligent if they don’t use all of the skills as portable skills.  If someone learns these skills and does not apply them to their personal life they are not emotionally intelligent.  More to the point, someone using their skills for work and not for their personal relationships is severely lacking integrity.  Someone excited to learn skills for their professional life but resentful to use them in their personal life lacking integrity.

Review the framework and consider the kinds of women that feel they cannot simply be a stay-at-home mother, home schooler parent or maintain a marriage.  These people lack the emotional intelligence to be Caring and Loving Mothers.  The following section is just to outline what a caring and loving woman can do with her emotional intelligence.  This over-view could be its own book with case studies into role models and mentors.

I have specialized the personal and social skills to write them reflecting a emotionally intelligent woman.  As such, she is a Trauma Informed Woman as well as regenerate woman.  As I write articles, I will add links beneath each skill for people to review.  This is going to be quite the work in progress. I am intentionally keeling the material below the table of contents clean and avoid of distractions. This will allow anyone that wants to copy, paste and print the material for their own use. I may refine some points as time goes on. The only additions I plan on making are the links to articles I mentions.

Personal Skills (how we manage ourselves)

Self-awareness Knowing one’s internal states, preferences, resources and intuitions

Emotional awareness Recognizing one’s emotions and their effects

A Caring and Loving Woman recognizes the impact of her positive and negative emotions and how they are contagious. She realizes how others can reflect her emotions back at her after she forgot about how she released upon others.

Accurate self-assessment Knowing one’s strengths and limits

A woman wanting to be Caring and Loving is willing to look for mentors that can help her improve. She is likewise able to assess her strengths and limits as a Caring and Loving wife. She accepts where she is average and does not use Thinking Errors like Building Herself up by Tearing Others Down.

Self-confidence A strong sense of one’s self-worth and capabilities

A Caring and Loving Woman finds a sense of self-worth from being Caring and Loving Wife and Mother. She still has an identity beyond that one role that she can engage in without being neglectful and abusive.

Self-regulation Managing one’s internal impulses and resources

Self-Control Keeping disruptive emotions and impulses in check

A Caring and Loving Woman remembers one negative interaction can destroy the effect of the last twelve positive interactions[1].  She can regulate her emotions without falling into the trap of bottling them up until she explodes.  She doesn’t compare life to a to a fantasy version what it could be if she was emotionally unintelligent.

Trustworthiness Maintaining standards of honesty and integrity

A Caring and Loving Woman engages in honest communication.  She does not twist words, take situations out of context, “play games” or “test” those in her life. She isn’t a gossip and things told in confidence stay in confidence and there are no “open secrets.”  Likewise, forgiveness is complete when granted. She would never say “tell me the truth and I won’t get angry” then fall back on that promise.

Conscientiousness Taking the responsibility for personal performance

A Caring and Loving Women is responsible for her behaviors. She does not blame her upbringing or society for her abusive and neglectful behaviors. Also, she is confident in her Caring and Loving Behaviors.  She makes an effort to reduce thought patterns that could led her children to having an ACE score of 1.

Adaptability Flexibility in handling change

She understands that live comes in phases.  In the olden days the stages of a woman’s life were Maid, Mother and Crone and while the modern area allows us to be more detailed in each stage of life the Caring and Loving woman conscientiously looks at being one step ahead of each stage of life and the various roles that each can bring.  She is as prepared to be a new mother as she is to deal with a “empty nest” or be a grandmother.

Innovation Being comfortable with novel ideas, approaches, and new information

The Caring and Loving Woman is constantly looking for ways to improve her ability to be wife and mother and engage her husband and children.  She knows the more ways she can be engaging inside the home the more skill she has to adapt to being outside the home.  Likewise, she is excited to use the social skills and soft skills she learns at work to improve her relationships with family.

Motivation Emotional tendencies that guide or facilitate reaching goals

Achievement drive Striving to improve or meet a standard of excellence

The Caring and Loving Mother knows takes every effort to driver her children’s potential ACES down to zero. She is also motivated to raise her positive interactions[2] with family as high as they can go.  Her achievements out of the home are not to the neglect of her family.  She shares in the successes of her husband and children without an unhealthy vicarious attachment to them and can teach her children to do the same.

Commitment Aligning with goals of the group or organization

The very idea of perfidy is sickening to a Caring and Loving Woman and not should not be the subject of base humor but rather honest and open conversation.  When she is looking for someone to be her husband to be the father of her children she does not have some hidden plot to mold or shape him beyond what he already is, she is aligned with his goals or she finds another.  She has a depth of understanding what it means to be part of a family and to use the terms “us” and “we” holistically when referring to members of her chosen family.

Initiative Readiness to act on opportunities

The Caring and Loving Woman does this for her own development but not at the expense of her children or husbands wellbeing.  Her willingness to act on opportunities without becoming abusive or neglectful is the main reason she is not stagnating while being a Stay-at-Home Mother during the children’s tender years.  One reason she acts on opportunities is she does not have any pretentions about certain opportunities being beneath her.  She realizes if she is bored it is her fault for not acting or developing healthy opportunities to pursue.

Optimism Persistence in pursuing goals despite obstacles and setbacks

The Caring and Loving mother knows that life has obstacles and setbacks and has the maturity to remain committed to her chosen family despite the ups and downs.

Social skills (how we manage relationships)

Empathy Awareness of other’s feelings, needs, and concerns

When a Caring and Loving Mother considers “us” and “we” she considers her family and not women she may have never met.  For example, if she hears a story about a woman cheating on her husband, she empathizes with the husband because she imagines the pain her son would feel.  If she hears about a temptress pursuing a family man she considers the damage  to the wife, who is symbolically her daughter, and any children in the relationship she considers symbolically her own children.

A caring and loving mother is sickened at policies that protect Neglectful and Abusive women and cannot stand the amount of the child maltreatment happens at the hands of the children’s mother.  The Caring and Loving woman does not empathizes with a home wrecker, temptress or abusive mother, she empathizes with their victims..  Her heart would ache if she found out a woman made a false allegation of abuse against a man, realizing that could happen to her own son or other family member.  This discomfort isn’t intellectual but something she feels intensely in her own body.  She is sensitive to the pain she could cause to her family by a single negative interaction.

Understanding others Sensing others’ feelings and perspectives, and taking active interest in their concerns

The Caring and Loving woman can “sense” other feelings by listening carefully to them to hear what they are really saying.  She knows how to read body languages and uses that insight to bring warmth when it is needed the most and not to strike when she feels her victim is most vulnerable.  She does not twist words or rely on practice deflections or resort to pat ad hominem insults to defect people’s pain.  When she does realize she has been the source of someone else’s pain she behaves conscientiously to make ammends.

Developing others Sensing others’ development needs and bolstering their abilities

The Caring and Loving Mother can develop whatever naturally generated interest her children and husband display without forcing her own agenda down their throat.  Rather, she finds a way to clear obstacles and distractions to her children’s development.  Most of all she raises her children to be Caring and Loving, whether they chose to be wives and mothers or husbands and fathers is up to them.  If she finds her husband has a particular strength she helps clear the way for him to develop that strength without issuing destructive mandates or ultimatums.

Service orientation Anticipating, recognizing, and meeting customers’ needs

The Caring and Loving woman anticipates and recognizes her chosen family’s needs and meets them without resentment and does not hold her caring and loving behavior hostage.  She is interested in unilateral self-improvement in all of these dimensions but in particular anticipating, recognizing and meeting her chosen family’s needs with warmth even if at times it can be repetitive.

Leveraging diversity Cultivating opportunities through different kinds of people

Principly this means she understands that men and women have different bodies, with different brains and different normal hormonal function and this lend naturally to different roles within the family.  She recalls the quote “ “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”  She plays to her strengths and helps her husband play to his strengths.  She likewise looks at what strengths her children display naturally and helps develop them as well.

Political awareness Reading a group’s emotional currents and power relationships

The Caring and Loving Mother is on top any potential favoritism she or on her husband’s could be doing as she knows favoritism can tear a family apart.  She keeps an eye on tensions and figures out how to respond at the right time with just the right amount of intervention, neither under-reaction nor over-reacting to tension between family members. She can use her adept political awareness to help her chosen family members negotiate the social world out of the home for their personal growth and development and can give honest, other-serving advice on who can be trusted in what capacity.

Social Adeptness inducing desirable responses in others

Influence Wielding effective tactics for persuasion

The caring and loving woman relies most on her goodwill and honestly earned reputation for being a Caring and Loving Mother to persuade her chosen family.  She uses her persuasion skills for the benefit of her chosen family and does not risk in the slightest any trust she has built up over the years for the short-term compliance that comes from lying and deception.  She does not wield her influence advocating for anti-social beliefs or behaviors, especially regrading neglect and abuse and the high risk factors that contribute to them.

Communication Listening openly and sending convincing messages

Her communication skills are tied closely to her ability to sense others needs but she likewise is open about her own desires and wants.  Her words match her tone and body language and emotions. If she ever fell victim to her own poor communication skills because her words, tone, body language and emotions did not agree then she takes conscientious steps to repair the harm and make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Conflict management Negotiating and resolving disagreements

The Caring and Loving Woman resolves disagreements without favoritism and with a high regard for the truth and personal accountability.  She does not  engage in disagreements out of boredom or because of some shallow power and control issue.  It is abhorrent to a caring and loving woman for one of her children to not take personal responsibility actions.  She understands that every big problem started off as a small problem and she is adept at balancing the tension of “keeping small problems small” by addressing issues before they spin out of control and not “making a mountain out of a molehill.”

Leadership Inspiring and guiding individuals and groups

The Caring and Loving Woman is overtly positive when it comes to motivating her family.  She knows how to provide the structure and routine that guide her family to the highest level of achievement. She does this by ingraining healthy habits which includes openness to learning new things.  Importantly, she seeks to do the right thing, at the right time, the right way, for the right reasons. She knows how inspiring and contagious integrity is.

Change catalyst Initiating or managing change

The Caring and Loving Woman knows what changes need to happen for the sake of her family and she can initiate or manage that change.  She does not initiate for her own personal whimsy and allege it was for her family’s sake.  She does not initiate change suddenly unless there is great need. Certainly, she does not look to initiate change in others when it is she, herself, that needs to change.

Building bonds Nurturing instrumental relationships

The Caring and Loving mother looks for mentors for her children based on their interests and other positive influences. She also looks for role models, mentors and positive influences for herself and her interests.  She likewise clears obstacles that would be in her husband’s way from connecting with posi tive mentors and role models.

Collaboration & cooperation Working with others toward shared goals

Most obviously the most important collaborator the Caring and Loving Woman looks for is her future husband.  She is searching for virtues that contribute to the greatest chance of having children raised with zero ACES. Also, she wants a man capable of the positive interactions that go with merely avoiding neglect and abuse.

She is looking for a man that she can love until one of them dies without needing to change him.  Importantly, she does this without a fantasy wanting the top 0.001% of men considering income, socio-economic status, looks, height etc. She is on board with his goals during the courtship process and he is on board with hers. When the Caring and Loving woman makes the right decision picking a husband all other major pieces fall into place.

Team capabilities Creating group synergy in pursuing collective goal

The Caring and Loving Woman has a sense of “we” and “us” and she imparts that to her chosen family.  They support on another in a warm and reciprocal way.  The collective goal can be as simple as one another’s shared happiness and avoidance of senseless adversity and drama.

[1] Ruby Newell-Legner’s “Understanding Customers”

[2] Ruby Newell-Legner’s “Understanding Customers”

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