One has to remember that many “defense mechanisms” that narcissists use are criminal thinking errors or tactics to avoid change. When a woman has built up the image of themselves as a good person and someone points out that they chose to neglect their children almost daily you see a host of narcissistic behavior. This behavior ranges from reactive anger, dismissing the harm done, lack of empathy, envy of men or women without children, and a pervasive state of self-perceived victimhood at assuming the responsibilities of motherhood. In short, the exact opposite of what a caring and loving mother would do.

What else do emotionally deadbeat women with these delusions do when faced with reality? Quite frankly they lie or play stupid. They are in a state of arrested development. They use the skills that the learned in elementary school and are unwilling to learn or practice consistently more adult ways of behaving. Since they are older they can use these childish skills at a higher level than when they were in kindergarten. However, they are still emotional children because they have refused to grow up and accept adult responsibilities.

One we understand narcissism we can understand the enemies of sound research into excessive daycare. Part of this understanding comes with the horror of just how widespread maternal narcissism has become.

Understanding Narcissism

Everyone has some areas were they could improve. Many of us have some serious faults. Bad habits. Bad traits can range from mild to severe and people with this trait can either be low functioning or high functioning individuals in the professional world.  Sometimes a fault in a personal relationship can make someone successful in a soulless bureaucracy. Christopher Lasch puts it well:

“For all his inner suffering, the narcissist has many traits that make for success in bureaucratic institutions, which put premium on the manipulation of interpersonal relations, discourage the formation of deep personal attachments, and at the same time provide the narcissist with the approval he needs in order to validate his self-esteem.”
― Christopher Lasch, The Culture of Narcissism: American Life in An Age of Diminishing Expectations

Obviously, in one’s personal life being manipulative and having a lack of deep personal attachments is a bad thing. Who wants a emotionally distant but manipulative mother? Who wants to be that kind of father? No one that is well adjusted.

Narcissistic traits:

• A grandiose sense of self-importance
• Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• Believing that they are “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
• Requiring excessive admiration
• A sense of entitlement (unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations)
• Being interpersonally exploitative (taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends)
• Lacking empathy (unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others)
• Often being envious of others or believing that others are envious of them
• Showing arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Narcissistic personality disorder – Wikipedia

Causes of narcissism range from genetic components, early childhood traumas, cultural or social reasons. Some people may just figure it out themselves. They get a rush when they lie and get away with it. All by themselves they discover the joy of taking their anger out on people. They learned at a young age to play the victim to blame shift their faults onto others. They learn to buy into their own lies and believe 100% that a lie told well enough is as good as the truth if not better. Getting out of their responsibilities is a game to them worth playing as is building up the lie that they are good people.

Psychologist define both psychopaths and narcissists by their grandiosity, inability to (honestly) accept responsibility for their actions, parasitic lifestyles, willingness to attack people that know and speak the truth, and so forth.  For people in tuned with sensing these traits there is an epidemic of narcissism.  Christopher Lasch published The Culture of Narcissism in 1979 and I dare say things have just gotten worse.  Narcissism has become more widespread and it occurs at more higher intensities. The idea that there is an epidemic of narcissism is still very common and accepted.  Dr Yeomans has over 40 years of experience in dealing with personality disorders:

Most people accept the notion of widespread or systemic narcissism so long as you are talking about another demographic’s behaviors.  Women easily see narcissism in men but not women, and vice versa.  Some nations are broadly culturally narcissistic as well but discussing that right now will get me bogged down.

People with different background and experiences are going to explain the key aspects of narcissism differently.  It comes with human nature and how individuals build models of understanding.  I focus on several key components that occur in a pattern of thoughts and behaviors.  Just because I cite some people does not mean they agree with my complete model.

Narcissistic Behaviors

Traits and thought patterns lead people to showing behaviors. Behaviors that are harmful are called maladaptive. Someone that has a lot of assertiveness or attention seeking behaviors could test highly on some narcissism tests. But what makes narcissistic behavior hurtful or maladaptive is when it causes pain to others or the narcissist. Things that can really damage relationships are the dismissiveness that comes from a lack of empathy, or the mental gymnastics they use to justify their reactive anger. Everyone may feel some jealousy or envy from time to time but it becomes maladaptive when the negative emotions lead to bullying or slander.

Time and time again when the experts discuss narcissism they mention the following:

Splitting: Internal Goodness Versus External Badness justifies Violence

Narcissists tend to view everything that is good with them as being internal to them and everything that is bad is external to them.  “Thick-skinned” narcissists are often very dismissive of legitimate or insightful criticism that so there is really no getting to them. On the other hand, “thin-skinned” narcissists take great offence to any criticism no matter how gentle, fair, and balanced.

Narcissism has a specific psychological structure:

Narcissism is about personal narratives:

Since narcissist views themselves as “good” every time someone tries to point out how they could improve or be better in some way they view that as a vicious attach. Anything that is not “good” is “bad” and what is “bad” is external to them. The narcissistic has a grandiose sense of their own goodness and anything that criticizes that is deeply degrading to them. As such, the narcissist views their intense counterattack as justified. The notion “the average person is average; and they are average” is violence to them.

They Morally Mandates Lies

Narcissistic people have a strange way of viewing the truth and the role that lying play in maintaining the psychological structure of their grandiose thinking.  Broadly thinking, truths are an aggression to the narcissist.

Narcissist often lies because the truth is offensive to them.  They believe the truth a greater injustice than the lie they tell.  If they have not achieved great things then the world is wrong for not giving them what they desire.  Their lack of glory is a greater injustice than their lie.  The lie is “what should be” and so it is acceptable and morally required.  To tell the truth is a version of self harm to narcissist.  It is ok to destroy or attack truths that go against the narcissist self image

Due to the narcissist willingness or excitement to be abusive it is easier to go along with the lies than to tell them the truth.  In other words, the narcissist tries to create a situation where is easier to be gaslight by them than struggle against the all the different kind of lies and anger they use.

Narcissists are in a state of arrested development

They use anger, tantrums and lies like a child.  They are not above playing the adult version of playground bully while also being the teachers pet while in the classroom.  This really limits their ability to develop in mature and holistic ways.   Since they are so childish transfer any faults or blame from themselves onto others. 

Much like psychopath; narcissist wear a mask of sanity.  They have one set of behaviors they use in public and a completely different set they reveal to people in private.  Or, in relationships they use one face they in the beginning of relationships when they childishly idealize the other person and later they use a different face to devalued and discard what they use to idealize.  Narcissistic Abuse Cycle: Stages, Impact, and Coping (verywellmind.com)

They are in the basement when considering Kohlberg’s Stages of Moral Development. Kohlberg’s  stages of moral development is itself a deeply flawed structure that I must needs address later but even within that flawed structure narcissists moral reasoning is childish.

Since they see themselves as “good” they want you to be overly cautious with their emotions but they have no need to be cautious about your emotions.  They can emotionally be a bull in a china shop with others but want others to walk on egg shells around them. They will try to convince you that y ou are the one that is childish if you don’t see how right they are.  This apparent emotional fragility is often dismissed as stemming from trauma. But there are a host of traumatized people that are more empathetic towards people, not less, due to their trauma. So that excuses is destroyed when we consider appropriate role models.

They set up “double binds” to make sure you are always wrong and they are always right

Double-binds are classic “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situations that narcissists set up almost without thinking about it.  If a narcissist is doing something wrong and you tell them calmly they will later blame you for not telling them clearly enough, they didn’t know how important it was too you.  When you are clear with them, they will blame you for being to careless with their emotions.  If you don’ tell them anything at all you are at fault for not trying to inform or support them.

Narcissist lie to themselves by rewriting their memories as needed to redefine normal actions as abusive by using the double bind.  In the beginning of a relationship when you are setting healthy limits they idolize your clear communication. They love how you have given them a clear path to a successful relationship with you.  Later, when they devalue you they come back with the double bind.  All the expectations and boundaries you set in the beginning of the relationship were now toxic, unrealistic, and abusive.  Narcissist attempt to convince you that they are not a deceitful monster for violating the foundational agreements of the relationship. Rather, you are the monster for wanting to maintain your boundaries.

The post The Narcissistic Enemies of Research into Excessive Non-Maternal Daycare appeared first on Against Maternal Abuse And Neglect.

Deciding how much daycare to use is a complicated issue due to all of the factors involved. But really, it simplifies down to how good or bad the daycare is relative to the mom. Another complication is a lot of bad advice out there because of bad research into the matter.  There is a political interest for researchers to pander to working mothers that want to be told it is ok to use full time daycare.  Also, research departments are filled with biased women. They do not want to do quality research into what makes up a neglectful amount of daycare. They don’t want to morally convict themselves.  “Liberated” women outside of academia don’t want to read about what responsible motherhood is either.

How Excessive Daycare can lead to Trauma

Excessive daycare is something that I return to repeatedly in this blog. Due to how easily some parents make the decision my focus may seem strange. But the quality-of-care children receive is incredibly important for their long-term happiness. The framework I use to evaluate abusive and neglectful behavior is the Adverse Childhood Experiences Survey. At first glance people may think what does daycare have to do with ACES? Some of the items on there are really bad, like being sexually assaulted or having a parent addicted to street drugs. Of course, having a mentally ill parent would be a traumatic experience. But daycare? Yes, actually.

People have a emotional response to things that are acutely stressful and we easily see abuse for what it is. It is a lot harder for society to properly judge people or situations that are chronically neglectful because each single day doesn’t seem so bad. ACES show the daily stress of chronic neglect can be build up and be equal to the harm caused by a intense abusive experience.

It is not strange to come across someone that has a “good life” and they wonder why they seem to not be happy. Their job is going well, their finances are in order and they have a good homelife. Why do they seem so unexcited or resentful about things? Often, they have no idea about ACES and after a few questions you find out they have an ACES score of 5 or 7 off of what they thought was a normal, unremarkable upbringing.

The stress of ACES on society is fantastically expensive in terms of human suffering and financially. Almost every fashionable social issue society faces today is affected in some way by ACES. One of the largest negative outcomes that could be addressed is depressive disorders.

Below are two questions from the ACES survey. If someone receives a high quantity of daycare they are more likely to answer “yes” to question 4. If they have low quality of parental care are more likely to answer “yes” to questions 4 and 5. Both of those are easily avoided ACES that many people in western societies pick up from the neglect of their mothers. They could easily be avoided. The goal of parents should be to have ACES 0 children. The goal of a trauma informed woman is to have ACE 0 Children. A trauma informed society wants ACES Zero citizens. I am going to cover ACES in detail in a upcoming article.

The major factors researchers explored are the quantity non-maternal day care, the quality of maternal care versus non-maternal care, and the educational outcomes of the children. Researchers have focused on separation or attachment disorders but have not couched the neglect in the term of ACES. I find that is a very big missing piece.

One main source of confusion is many people do not know what comprises good research.  In short, the research showing non-maternal daycare is more valid than than research supporting daycare’s beneficial outcomes. This post will describe what we know about how bad daycare is. Another upcoming post will review the shoddy research that supports daycare.

Stress hormones: How we know Non-maternal Daycare is bad in itself

Babies should form a deep and healthy bond with their mothers in the tender years.  It is great for their physical and mental health.  That bond provides the baseline security for children to have the confidence to take on the world. Low quality and quantity of maternal care can damage that maternal bond. The motherhood bond is vital for children because it drives stress over the course of someone’s whole life.

The research has been in for almost a generation: non-maternal daycare raises children’s stress hormones. The article is a meta-analysis that controlled for quality of daycare provider and found all things being equal, even high quality of care daycares stress children out.  The article blames the group setting as the reason why stress hormones rise but how they controlled for maternal separation anxiety to reach that conclusion I don’t know. Prolonged use of non-maternal daycare leads to children’s brains being awash in stress hormones due to normal separation anxiety.  This is especially true for children less than three years old and even worse for children that go to a low-quality daycare. 

This article shows that you can see that children in daycare’s stress levels go up even higher when they go to low quality daycare. It stands to reason that cortisol would also be higher homes with lower quality maternal care. Also, the longer the child is in daycare per day the more exhausting it is for them and it seems to add up over the week. So picking them up early is great for their energy levels and moods. Remember, the parents are at fault if a child is tired and cranky.

Daycare and Falling IQs?

For generations the worlds average IQ went up as society developed.  Now, society is continuing to develop but IQ is decreasing.  I think one reason IQ is going down is the daily stress of neglectful and abusive women on their children. Excessive daycare plays a large role in that neglect.  Every day of daycare is a day that exposes a child’s developing brain to potentially toxic levels of separation anxiety.  There are all of the other degenerate influences of modern society, like lack of proper sleep or low-quality parents putting their children on screens as a way of doing crowd control rather than engaging their children.

Understanding the confusion about daycare and maternal neglect

It is deeply irresponsible to separate the conversation on non-maternal daycare by looking at educational outcomes and ignoring mental health outcomes.  What is the point of damaging someone’s mental health so they can learn differential calculus by age 15? So they can be the most highly educated person their therapist sees this week?

There is often attempts to confuse the issues at hand when discussing pre-school, after-school activities, and nonmaternal day, et cetera.  Another problem comes when shoddy researchers use implicit biases to justify non-maternal care. The emphasis on mental health versus education allows people to be two faced and speak “honestly” to different audiences.  Researchers can talk about daycare, trauma informed care or abuse and neglect to one audience. They put on another face when talking to other stakeholders and talk about daycares academic benefits.

Assuming Going to College is better than other life decisions

Being aware of one’s biases when conduction research is one of the first things they teach you in a research methods class. If a researcher is not aware of their implicit and explicit biases their research runs the risk of not being meaningful. Even worse, it can be outright harmful to society. Research into daycare or maternal neglect is no different.

A lot of researchers are implicitly or explicitly biased in favor of the college track. With their baggage, the researchers assume that college is the is better than a host of other life paths.  I assume it’s a bias that over-educated people want others to be overeducated as well.  They cannot see pass their pretentions and probably have no idea how condescending they appear.  There are plenty of high achieving people without college degrees and low functioning people with college degrees. Researchers should not place desire for in classroom learning over other methods. Considering that the mental health of college students is getting worse we could argue that many people are successful despite going to college rather than because they went to college.

It is common to read about long term research into daycare, preschool and aftercare that reports higher hours are better because the kids, now they are teenagers, want to go to college. The research does not report on vocational ambitions like wanting to enter a trade school or joining the military. The researchers are completely disinterested in women that want to be caring and loving mothers.

Their narrow-minded pretentiousness stunts their analysis[1] because they assume well adjusted people want to go to college.  What is wrong with wanting to go to a trade school,  wanting a trade in general, joining the military, or getting a job with a good health care and retirement plan? Or what is wrong if a woman prioritizes her family over her career and her education?

Well-structured research would look at

• Daycare
  • The age it began
  • How Many hours per week by age
• Wellbeing
  • ACES interview & other mental health assessments
  • Physical health
• Academic success (only in high school)
  • Beyond the degree, what did they actually learn
• Vocational success
• Criminal history/attitudes
• Substance use

and it would do so with a more robust awareness of biases than the current researchers do.

Understanding Quality of Care: Engaging the kids

Part of quality care is what is done with the kiddos.  Quality of care isn’t just keeping a superficial warmth affect with your children while you put them in front of the TV and serve them a microwavable dinner.  Quality care is warmly engaging the children with:

• reading

• arts and crafts

• household chores

• routines

• naps

Every one of these activities is a chance to positively engage children. Or, in the case of naps, ensure that activities stay positive.

Understanding Quality of Care: Maternal Warmth

Society has known for a long time that the bond between a mother and child is one of the most important things to guarantee the child’s long-term success.  People did not debate the idea that a mother should warmly and continuously engage her children. This knowledge was the foundation of the tender years doctrine as society understood children needed access to warm mothers. Once women decided to dedicate themselves to more materialistic and status-based pursuits then it became controversial.  Feminist now resent the tender years doctrine for the responsibility it brings.

Warmth Research in the 1950

In the 1950s researchers didn’t have enough data and computer power to run the statistics to show how bad certain amounts of non-maternal daycare.  The results need to be broken down by age daycare began and many hours a week children were exposed to it.  They also had to collect and account for demographic or socio-economic factors.  What makes excessive daycare more damaging? What makes it less damaging?  Just how bad is day care for newborns?  For toddlers?  It takes a lot of data to have valid research and be able to speak on authority on the matter.

The focus on children’s mental health and the role of motherhood in society isn’t new.  In the 1950s John Bowlby argued that a mother’s love in infancy and childhood was just as important for mental health as vitamins were for physical health.  As more and more women moved into the workforce people “forgot” how important this bond was.

This research isn’t popular. Especially with feminist.  They despise warmly attached mothers and attack them on multiple fronts.  Betty Friedan, who is credited with starting the Third wave of feminism, told mothers it was their responsibility to neglect their children so they could get jobs taking care of even more neglected children.  Simone de Bouvier, who is credited with kicking off the Second Wave of Feminism make it clear that women should not “authorized” to be stay at home mothers.  Authoritarian psychopaths. Choice feminism has always been a lie.

Warmth Research in the 1980s

I commonly mention the phenomenon that Birds of A Feather Flock Together.  Mildly abusive and neglectful people defend severely abusive and neglectful people as their first line of defense in defending themselves.  Look at the difference In the quote above in offending from families with affectionate women versus contentious women.  Contentious women are a health disaster and a crime disaster. But so many women flock together while these contentious women create the next generation of depressed and anxious people. Also, the next generation of criminals.

Modern Research into Warmth

We have had the ability to shift through the data now for a couple of decades.  Turns out our traditional assumptions were true, non-maternal daycare is bad.  As little as 10 hours a week causes notable damage to toddlers relationship with the mother if the mother is cold (get anchor).  Women, rounding up, still chose to be neglectful and abusive. 

Youth Level Survey/Case Management Inventory

My organization uses the Youth Level Survey/Case Management Instrument (YLS/CMI) to determine its case management and interventions for juvenile delinquents.  The research shows that a lot of the “old fashioned” ways of thinking about a child’s upbringing and criminality have been true all along.  Since the system is proprietary I don’t know how much of it I can speak to without violating some kind of copywrite.  Despite what the Fabians and Socialist may tell you, crime isn’t truly tied to socioeconomic status, poverty or personal distress.  It is tied to poor parent child relationships (particularly the mothers), educational achievement, and anti-social attitudes and associates.

Non-Maternal Daycare Modern Research

Before we dig into some research some notes.  Non-Maternal Day Care is any daycare not done by the mother.  Quite simply, whenever the mother isn’t readily available the child is either receiving non-maternal daycare or they are receiving no care at all.  For maternal daycare Mommy and child do not need to be in the same room or engaging in the same activity. Children just need to know they can rely on Mommy very quickly.  The older the kids are the further they can be and still be cared for by their mother. It is also a bit different if the kid decides to happily go outside or is unhappily pushed outside.

If mommy is inside and the kids are playing happily in the yard or with some friends across the street then they know exactly where mommy is. She can attend to any emotional or physical needs that could emerge.  Eventually as I liked above, stress hormones rise and separation anxiety kicks in.

If children are with alone with Daddy or at preschool even through and are doing the exact same activities they are increasing their hours of non-maternal daycare.  The amount of hours is a quantity issue.  The need for a mother with a warm affect is a quality issue.  Children in their tender years need both. As they get older they need less quantity but they still need quality.

The research I cite is typical; meaning there are a lot more research that confirms the general findings of what I am citing.  If you want a more exhaustive literature review please, feel free, empowered, and encouraged to go to the articles I cite and go through their literature reviews.  I am confident you will find that non-maternal daycare is bad, the earlier it starts the worse it is.  The only seeming benefit I have found is kids in daycare do somewhat better on language acquisition.  If you find that compelling reason to advocate for non-maternal day care just imagine how articulate children will be when they talk about how neglectful and abusive their mothers are.

A hard copy of the book I reference the most is here. Quite frankly I haven’t bought it myself.  I would beggar myself if I bought all the source materials I desired. A summary is here. Much of the research is behind academic paywalls but there are news articles that do a fair job of summarizing the work. If an article is available for free I will link to it.  If an article is behind a paywall but the abstract is useful I will link to the abstract.

10 hours of Non-Maternal Daycare a Week for 15-month year old

10 hours of nonmaternal child care a week is linked to a weaker attachment, or bond, with the mother at 15 months old. But that is only if the mother also is highly insensitive, or unresponsive, to her child’s needs.

How Much Child Care Is Too Much? Coming Research Offers Some Answers

That is a quote from research from the 2005.  The modern woman reads that and cannot properly process what she has read.  She does not know how harmful the weak attachment is. Or, she thinks that most women are not highly insensitive to their children’s needs. Her mind comes up with all sorts of mental gymnastics to justify the current state of motherhood and the fact that the vast majority of toddlers are in more than 10 hours of daycare.   The section below shows that at 20 hours of daycare most women were insensitive enough to have attachment issues.

Having viewed many mothers in action or hearing them talk about their day I can tell you many modern women are quite unresponsive. 

The modern woman also looks at the low 10-hour threshold with horror.  It goes against her anti-social expectations.  Modern women have been fed a fantasy life where they be away from their children while still being a “good mother”.  They were angry at people that did not pander to their Suggestibility.  The lie simply isn’t the case. The world groans with the reality of maternal abuse and neglect and how anti-social modern women are.

20+ Hours a and 35+ Hours a Week for 13 Month Old’s

Analysis of data obtained during Strange Situation assessments conducted when infants were 12 and 13 months of age revealed that infants exposed to 20 or more hours of care per week displayed more avoidance of mother on reunion and were more likely to be classified as insecurely attached to her than infants with less than 20 hours of care per week.

Sons whose mothers were employed on a full-time basis (greater than 35 hours per week) were more likely to be classified as insecure in their attachments to their fathers than all other boys, and, as a result, sons with 20 or more hours of nonmaternal care per week were more likely to be insecurely attached to both parents and less likely to be securely attached to both parents than other boys. [paragraph break and emphasis for readability]

Nonmaternal care in the first year of life and the security of infant-parent attachment – PubMed (nih.gov)

This older research is important for several reasons.  First, it shows how long we have known that non-maternal daycare leads to attachment issues at a young age.  It also shows that for many kids negative results happen at 20 hours a week.  The above section shows that as low as 10 hours can be bad if the mother is not responsive.  This article shows that at 20 hours half the kids get insecurely attached with their moms & Dads. A lot of the research seems to forget the importance of attachments to fathers.   If you never really bonded with your father it may be because your mother didn’t want to provide the care of a mother.

60 Hours of Non-Maternal Day Care for infants

Findings suggest that during a sensitive period of attachment formation, infants who spend more than 60 hr/week in nonmaternal care may be at an increased risk of forming a disorganized attachment.

Very extensive nonmaternal care predicts mother-infant attachment disorganization: Convergent evidence from two samples

At 60 hours of non-maternal daycare children get full blown attachment disorders.  A lot of concerns about mother-child bond occur on a spectrum and a attachment disorder is about as bad as it gets.  In this modern age that amount of nonmaternal daycare is easily reached if mommy is doing shift work and the kid is shuffled between daycare and family care.

30-45 hours of Non-Maternal Daycare a week for 4 ½ year old

The risk threshold goes up to 45 hours of childcare a week by the time children reach 4½ years old. Children who averaged 30 to 45 hours in child care a week scored just slightly above the mean on a scale of behavior problems.

How Much Child Care Is Too Much? Coming Research Offers Some Answers

Imagine a day in  modern commuter home for a day-care or pre-school aged kids. No one wakes up naturally they all get woken up by an alarm clock or someone else rousing them.  They have a quick breakfast, probably not at the table and dad takes the kids to daycare or pre-school, and then mom picks the kids up from daycare.  She gets home and puts the kid in front of the TV so she can make something resembling a dinner.  She does most of the cooking and cleaning by herself because to include her child would take even more time and effort.  They eat dinner and then there may be some book reading before bed, or there could be more electronics.  Maybe depending on the time of year there is some soccer or basketball lessons or other activity for the kids a couple of times a week. 

That is a fraction of the both the quality and quantity of care children should be having with their mothers.

45 hours of Non-Maternal Daycare a week for 4 ½ year Olds

At 45 hours a week, though, the increase in scores became noteworthy, with children in that much child care posting a score of 53.1, indicating more behavior problems than would be found in the population as a whole.

How Much Child Care Is Too Much? Coming Research Offers Some Answers

Pray consider a professional woman (Nurse, doctors, mental health providers ) doing shift work so she has to work weekends, swings or grave shift.  Many professional women will put their children in pre-school or daycare because mommy wants to focus on her children’s academic outcomes so she could deflect from mental health issues stemming from her neglect. This allows her to build herself up as a good person. 

Excuses for Emotionally Unintelligent (narcissistic/psychopathic) mothers

There is a tendency or desire in people to over-diagnose other people and of course, I want to avoid that myself. But having a mentally ill parent is an Adverse Childhood Experiences. So looking at psychopathic or narcissistic behavior or reasoning is very useful and on point for this blog. There are many ways a potential mother could review the available research, get confused, and just decide to do what they see everyone else doing. Later, when they have more information, they later regret their decision because there is no taking it back. But there are “mothers” that are looking for excuses to get out of what they don’t want to do. They have a desire to have children but being a mother gets in the way of their materialistic or status-based goals.

So they come up with the same excuses an absolute psychopath would. Or they have the same motivations as a narcissist. I am not going to go over the whole psychopathy checklist, but some things jump to mind. Any one of these excuses is an atrocious reason for mothers to not care for their children.

Short List of psychopathic excuses for excessive non-maternal daycare

• Need for stimulation – caring for your own children is boring
• Grandiose self-worth – They have too much potential to be a stay-at-home mom
• Irresponsibility – Let someone else provide the care only mothers can
• Manipulative – Passive aggressively does not learn how to be an emotionally intelligent mother
• Lack of Responsibility – To care their own child as a mother
• Lack of long term goals – they didn’t properly plan to be a caring mother
• Lying – about their true motivations, being unaware of the harm or their ability to be caring.
• Callous Lack of Empathy – children’s separation anxiety, stress hormones, ACES, falling IQ don’t matter
• Lack of Remorse – They may say they feel remorse but any remorse they feel is weak enough to suppress and continue their neglect.

There are also narcissistic women that have women to trap men or to feed their own egos.

Kristy Lee Hochenberger Ph.D. writes:

Narcissists will only engage in relationships for the benefits. For example, narcissistic women may latch on to a new partner and get married to take advantage of benefits, money, status, or prestige.

Pregnancy and childrearing are also important and profitable bargaining tools in a relationship and breakup/divorce. In most states, child support is increased per child of the union, and mothers are overwhelmingly granted majority custody, thus resulting in higher child support awards. This makes for an easy payout for narcissistic mothers

Narcissistic Women May Use Pregnancy as Power | Psychology Today

What do these women do instead of being good people? Often, they have decided to conveniently overwork themselves at their jobs. They argue they quite simply don’t have the time or patience to develop their emotional competencies as mothers.  As a result, the same child that fusses with frustration or anxiety with their mother thrives under the (un-psychotic) care of the professionals. 

To Abusive and Neglectful women this creates a perverse incentive to not be better as mothers. They can claim it is better for their children that they, their mother, not take care of them. Textbook Passive Aggressive behavior to get out of responsibilities. It also gives them an excuse to be dramatic and abusive that their kid behaves better for other people.

Closing Thoughts

Non-Maternal Daycare is a serious problem due to separation anxiety and insecure attachments with children parents.  For the first year of a kid life as little as 10 hours is to much for many children.  A responsible mother wanting to have 2-3 kids should create a realistic plan to be a stay-at-home mother. This plan covers all of the years all of the children are under 4 ½ years old.  Whether she wants to group the kids together or spread them out is up to her and her husband.

A Trauma Informed Woman versus Modern Women

A Trauma Informed Woman wants to have children that are ACES 0. She also wants to avoid psychopathic reasoning, excuses, and behaviors in her life. Most modern women don’t want to function as trauma informed women. There is less excitement. It is harder to feel powerful by being abusive or the thrill of getting out of their responsibilities.

I want women who have issues with men think about non-maternal daycare. Think about the excuses that women use to get out of providing the care only a mother can provide. These women think like psychopaths and men know that. The wide swaths of the female population that consider motherhood or marriage oppression hold deeply anti-social views and anti-social expectations. But these women also think that men are the problem. They wonder why men won’t open up to them and feel vulnerable around them. They get angry at closed off men and the expectations they be good women.

In other words, modern women that use too much daycare cannot be trusted because they are not trauma informed.

Emotionally Intelligent versus Anti-Social

All Emotionally intelligent women are Trauma Informed but not all Trauma Informed Women are emotionally intelligent. Some skill development needs to happen to put the information into practice. The emotionally intelligent woman approaches information into being a caring and loving mother with excitement.  An anti-social woman responds to this information with hostility or irritability.  The emotional response of the body tells the truth of whether a woman is emotionally intelligent or not and that is why emotional awareness is so important to self-assessment.

The emotionally intelligent woman has empathy for men who want to avoid neglectful and abusive women.  She understands that a good man wants a good wife for the future mother of their children.  That means he wants a woman willing to use appropriate amounts of daycare.  The anti-social woman is hostile to these prudent men.  They often pretentiously think they are above both prudent men that want caring women as well as the women that prioritize being caring wives and mothers.

I have written at length about women wanting to be emotionally intelligent out of the home but are deeply resentful to being emotionally intelligent inside the home. In short, these women lack integrity and I argue we should gauge someone’s emotional intelligence by where they display the least emotional competencies, not the most. Please have a read.

Recommendations

Women

Women wanting to be caring and loving mothers would do best to separate themselves from anti-social men and women. This includes personalities on “anti” social media and especially comedy that normalizes woman’s misbehavior. The less time anyone spends with anti-social people the more time you have to build relationships emotionally intelligent people. 

A woman’s reaction to knowledge about maternal abuse and neglect can signal a lot.  She may decide for herself she needs to reassess herself and change into a truly caring and loving woman.  What she needs to do can vary greatly, from simple self-education to intensive therapy. 

Realize that well-adjusted men don’t want a woman that is even mildly psychopathic or narcissistic. If you read any of the excuses that a psychopathic woman would make to use excessive daycare and they make sense to you then functionally you are closer to a psychopath than most men want. And it isn’t ok to think that if you are mildly psychopathic or narcissistic you are still a catch. No: you are not.

There is a degree of self-creation when someone decides what kind of person they want to be. I remember reading the Psychopathy Checklist and easily thought that if that is bad then I want to do the opposite. For years I worked on self-correcting my thoughts and regulating my behavior while I was still in my teens. I am sure other people looked at the list and thought to make excuses for each behavior they wanted to do. Women, the longer you have gone making excuses for any item on the psychopathy checklist the more you have suppressed your own ability to be a good wife and mother.

I hope you have enough goodness to have the willingness to undo any damage you did to yourselves by justifying any anti-social thoughts and expectations you had.

Men

It is going to be hard to find a caring and loving woman to be the mother of your child. My mother wasn’t so I wanted a woman that would be good for my children. I found a woman that said she understood the research. She said she had the family values to be a good mom but she was lying to me. She agreed to stop working when our baby came but refused and then she got worse and worse. I hope you have better luck than I did.

I see other men who don’t care their wife put their kids in daycare after 4 week of maternity leave. Now the kids are speech delayed, behind in school, or have anxiety and depression issues. It is almost to the point that if a woman wants children in wedlock she should agree to quit working at the engagement because you cannot trust them to do it later. If she starts working before the kid are in kindergarten it should be grounds for a at-fault divorce.

It may be too late for you to have a caring and loving woman as the mother of your children. But hopefully you will be able to raise your sons and daughters with the information needed for them to be good parents with good spouses.

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